I am not always mean you know

Three days in a row! I'm avoiding doing actual writing! For sure!

I wonder if it were that I was as good of a poet as Bob Hicok, if then I would be completely content. Because, good god damn, is he ever good. And I feel as though my life would be complete if I could make words fulfill me in the ways that his do.

I am writing today. A bit. And editing. Which is just as important. There's some nice pieces for the next Et Puis? magazine. I hope.

I was in a much better mood yesterday. Which was great for all parties involved. I did a whole great lot of nothing all day. Well, played Scrabulous.

Work was good. Smooth and not stressful. Took my break with Note-boat and gave him a note. A note-bird this time, because when I am not being a tremendous bitch, I can be sort of sweet. Not usually though.
Luckily. Barf.

Went out for beer with Miranda afterwards. We were in particularly good moods and being giggly. I think I was hopped up on caffeine. We laughed for about 15 minutes straight over how I have to attend the ACC staff skating party with N-B. It wasn't even funny. It just was. Well. Staff skating parties are pretty dorky.
Miranda and I might go skiing. I haven't been skiing since elementary school. I can only assume that I will be very, very good at it.
I probably shouldn't have gone drinking since that interfered with my getting any work done. But you know I will always choose party above all.

I have a new niece! (or cousin, for those of you who value accuracy over emotion). I want to see her and squeeze her. But I'm sure she'll be even more exciting by the time I get home. Right?

Had brunch with Sophia at Aunties today. Waffles! Sophia and I were also overly-giggly. We need to get our sketches together. We have some pretty good ideas. And I'm pretty excited for playing my brother. I think it'll look good on me. And he's such rich material for sketches. I mean, he goes to Mennonite house-church! And he only likes guns and video games!
Frequently I wonder where he even came from.
That's what you get with donor sperm, I guess.

less than a month 'til, well, you know

I only have half of a toenail. On my big toe. It's so sweet. And it doesn't hurt at all. It's pretty sick. I want to gross people out with it.

I did indeed make dinner. I made stew and biscuits and then apple crisp.
And Note-boat came over and we ate and I acted like a bitch. And no one was surprised. Wow, it's really such a shame that I have no idea how to relate to people or act like a human. I need to work on that.

I've started say 'scrabulous' unstead of 'fabulous'. That's just how addicted to scrabulous, via Facebook, I am.
N-B doesn't like it when I play scrabulous while he's over. He thinks that's rude.

I was in a bad mood yesterday. I've been in a bad mood a lot lately. I did go Christmas shopping though. But it was raining and I was very cold and damp.
And everything seems so much further when I can't ride my bike. I wish my bike had fenders. Those would sure be handy. I also wish my bike had a basket. Fuck yeah. That's what I want for Christmas. A bike basket.

King's College Choir is very good at singing Christmas carols.

I only want to listen to Christmas carols. And Clipse.
I love my iPod.

I'm getting excited for holiday parties. I really really really need to have one here before I go home. So badly. But I don't know where to have it or how to format it. I want there to be lots of people. But I want it to be small. And I want there to be eating and drinking. And lots of paying attention to me. Because it will also be my birthday party.

Oh birthday!

I think this is the year that I'm going to try and get people exactly what they ask for for Christmas. Unless, of course, I come up with something much better. Or unless it's for my brother, because Emry's lists tend towards the wildly optimistic and I'm always just going to get him clothes or something else equally annoying.

I think after work tonight I'm going to try and do some writing. Real-time writing. And organizing. I'd sort of forgotten my idea of putting together a collection of the best from my magazines. That'd be a good idea. Something a little less personal maybe. Maybe. But knowing me...

iPod! iPod!

I have a new babe in my life. An iPod babe. He's pretty dreamy. The best part about him is how his back is like a mirror.
Well, maybe the best part about him is the music. Maybe.
I've never even owned a discman, let alone any sort of mp3 player. I still have a couple of walkmans though. So my tapes are still valid possessions. No reason to throw them out.

Can't believe it's been so long since I've updated. I've been busy? Not really. It's just that there's always a babe over here distracting me.
No, I've been busy too. I'm glad to have today off to compute and stuff. I'm feeling like maybe making dinner for my date and I. We'll see if that happens. I wouldn't count on it.

Especially after the madness which was the Grey Cup. Yeah, I guess I'm glad Saskatchewan won. I mean, that's good. I got a couple of necklaces. But, jesus, any large crowd is too annoying. Especially when I'm trying to unlock my bike in the middle of a giant rally (WE WON THE CUP WE WON THE CUP WE WON THE CUP, etc). Especially when they've knocked my bike the ground and are standing on parts of it. But my faith in Saskatchewanians was restored when a group of them all rallied around me to help me and my bike out of the melee.
Working the damn game was also a little over-the-top stressful. Especially since I had to work in the VIP bar, which means no money. But they wanted their best workers so me and Stacy brought it. And we pulled it off pretty beautifully, I'd say. I was even in an alright mood by the end. Our boss told us that he's going to try and get us some extra moneys for it. Those fucking cart girls though, they're the ones who did the best. Luckies.

OMG I want everyone to play their moves on Scrabulous so that I can play mine!

I'm starting to work coat-check at the fancy hotels downtown. Sam, my Big Chill boss, runs them. It's good in that I can say yes or no to shifts. But good god damn did I forget how much I really hate doing coat-check. It's so ridiculous. Mostly the length of the shifts. It's ridiculous. And the woman who manages them is already pulling the same kind of guilt-trip manipulation stuff that Sam pulls. Don't get me wrong, I love Sam. I really enjoy Sam now that I don't feel responsible to him and now that I'm good at avoiding his manipulation. But I hate when people pull that with me. The woman told me it'd be a four-hour training shift and then just didn't let me go home. So about six hours in I told her that I'd have to leave. She was expecting me to stay until 2:30 in the morning. That would've been a ten hour shift. Too much. Also there seemed to be a distinct lack of breaks there. And I hadn't prepared for that sort of shift and was overly-starved by the time I made it out of there.

Also, I hate working in fancy places. I'd rather attend fancy places and be fancy myself. I don't like service. This surprises no one.
I worked some sort of Scottish ball and I really really wanted to be going to it. I'm Scottish! There were lovely lovely kilts and giant shiny dresses.
Lately I've been longing for culture and heritage.
I should go eat some toffee or something.

I went for dinner at Note-Boat's mother's house on Friday. With his brother + girlfriend. It was pretty intense. I was just feeling fragile and not up to interacting properly I think. Who knows if they liked me? I guess it doesn't really matter. N-B made such a good dinner though. Eggplant parmesan and mushroom risotto and other good stuff. I love food.
It's hard entering into a situation where everyone is Best Friends and I am the outsider. I've never been good at meeting people or at being in situations where I feel uncertain.
I should grow up.

N-B met all my friends too last week. He came with me to SarahB's CD release and there were lots of peeps there. And he came and met me at the wrap party for Tearwater Tea. Yeah. We've been hanging out too much. As you can well imagine. And things are never as smooth with me as you'd want them to be, but I'm getting better.
Maybe.

I baby-sat Ana for the first time in awhile on Friday. Her aunt was having a baby so I picked Ana up from school and we played for a bit and then I took her down to the hospital to meet them. There's something about labour and new babies and tired mothers that makes me want to weep. Any sort of intense vulnerability gets to me. And any sort of mothering makes me tear up.

SarahJane came back from Mexico and brought me a talisman against broken hearts. She said she bought it from the oldest ugliest woman she could find, so it must be real.

There are lots of things that I'm missing writing about on here. But I do not feel like writing. I have a sneaking feeling that I might be really depressed these days, I just can't admit to it. Since, because I'm happy with N-B then what would I have to be sad about?

At least Christmas is coming coming coming coming coming so soon. And I've booked my flights home and I'm so excited to see my mum! And I think I'm going to go shopping today. Because I need to get it all done and at this rate no one's getting anything... And that would be terrible.

still don't feel guilty for not doing anything

I'm tired. Still. Always.

I'd like to get my hands on some probiotics. Apparently the ones in yogurt really aren't enough to make a difference (probably make the yogurt itself digestible, but not much else). But I hear they're expensive, especially the good ones with tonnes of different strains. Might be worth it if my belly hurt less. It's been alright for the past couple of days and it's amazing. It's fantastic what being pain-free is like.

Being home alone is fantastic. Doing nothing and doing some hard-core catching up with my comp is awesome.
And eating my own food and watching my own TV is nice.

My date was real nice last night. There's really nothing that I want for when I'm spending time with him. And it's so easy (and by 'it's' I mean 'I'm'). We went for Ethiopian food at a place down the street. It was really great, I'd never eaten Ethiopian before. But I love lentils and ginger and weird fermented bread-type stuff, and I especially like eating with my hands, so it was good for me. I bet Niki would love it.
Then we watched Heroes, which I don't know about because I want clear definitions of who's bad and good. But I'm still into it.

Yesterday I went to yoga. FUCK I really hate exercise. I mean, I think I was just dealing with way too much residual stress and was way too tired. But I couldn't stop shaking and almost crying and wanting to leave. But I made it through. And it was okay. There was way too much repetition in that specific class though. If I have to do another downward dog, I'll barf.
I should go to aquafit, it's way less emotional and way more about dancing.
Note-Boat is overly into ice-skating, so apparently I'll be taking that up as well. I haven't been skating in years, but I like hot chocolate (and CHRISTMAS), so I feel like it's up my alley.

I returned my library things and responded to emails that I'd been irresponsible with. Today I am applying for jobs that I don't really have time for and writing bad poetry.

Adam called me yesterday just to tell me he misses me. Aww. I hope every director loves me that much. We're planning a Christmas party involving watching Elf and Home Alone and baking. Hells yeah!
He's promised cookies so thick with ginger and molasses that when you dip them in tea the molasses almost runs out.
I'm thinking of Christmas-shaped shortbread and of nutmeg sugar cookies. And fudge. I'm thinking of sugar sugar sugar sugar sugar sugar. Yes. Please.

this entry is too long!

I am terrible at being busy. I have no concept of time management and I get selfish and I forget things and sabotage myself by not paying attention to what I need to get done. I feel like I've been away for days.
I have too many library items that are fantastically over-due.
I have not responded to offers of work which I so desperately need.
I failed to submit my work availability on time and if I do that once more then I could be fired. Which would be awesome because I rely completely on that unreliable source of income.
I have not paid bills I could pay solely because it takes too much effort.
I have not prepared for Christmas. No sir.

Okay. So I those things to do today. That's alright.
I have a Big Date tonight. I know it's a Big Date because we are going to dinner. And we planned it in advance (last night). I am thinking of dressing up for this event. Because that's how I roll.

Today's the day where Third finally gets a new nickname here. But since he only refers to me as 'Cheese Bro' (which is not romantic at all, nor even particularly charming, but it definitely amuses him), it doesn't make sense for it to be wonderful. So he can just be Note-Boat, because, well, that's easy andappropriate. And I like it.

I've been shooting for the past five days. We're finally all wrapped on 'Tearwater Tea' (which will be called something else at some point, but we're not sure what. I'm pushing 'Broken-Head Margaret', but we'll see).
It was really quite hard. Much harder than I'd expected. But Adam was great - so fun and never got anywhere near upset with me when I was having problems with handling it all. And all the crew were great. I genuinely liked nearly every one. Which is rare for me. I managed to spend 12 hour days with them and not want to punch anyone. Miracle!

The running and crying scene was difficult. Mostly difficult was hitting my marks. Continuity. When I'm pushing 'raw' emotion then trying to do the scene again hitting all the same marks and making the same faces... it's ridiculous.
Continuity is the biggest bitch of film acting.
Tamara and I were talking last night about how everything about film acting works directly contrary to acting in general. How little acting is involved and how technical everything gets.

The character was pretty opposite of me, what with a complete lack of emotion and an all-round emptiness. I got to smile exactly NO times in the scenes. I had to make up for it by being a moron around set and causing little ruckuses.

I still tried to socialize while shooting more than 12-hour days. I saw Note-Boat on Thursday but in a low-key way because I was exhausted. And I went and hung out with Steph and Solo on Friday night. I drank a glass of wine and a bottle of beer (really good beer that I can't remember the name of but it was aged in whiskey casks and was sort of sweet and delicious) and was much drunker than I should have been. Exhaustion + not drinking for a few days = I'm back to being more than lightweight.
We stopped by Julia's birthday party but I just wasn't in the mood for staying and didn't feel like meeting any more new people. So I got to bed at a reasonable time.

Saturday Note-Boat came over and we were supposed to go out but I was having a slight break-down from how stressed out I was (and hadn't noticed, which is how I handle stress, just ignoring it). But he was pretty amazing with dealing with me. Kind and stuff, but not coddling (which I'm always trying to solicit from people...). And even joked me out of it and managed to get me out of the house. Which was quite a feat because once I'm off, I'm usually pretty off for a bit.
But we went to see his friend play and I even managed to be charming and congenial. Helped, of course, by how I actually liked his friend a lot, and how he seemed genuinely pleased to meet me.
His friend new virtually everything about me. That's good because now there's pretty much nothing I could do to Note-Boat that is creepy. Even writing on my blog about him.

Yesterday I only had a couple of scenes to do. But after I was done I went with Sophia to return set stuff to Ikea and Home Depot and stuff. We spent a good couple of hours driving around. We wandered through the massive amounts of Christmas at Ikea and ate frozen yogurt ($1? seriously? If I worked there I'd be the fattest/happiest ever). We slowed down to admire the houses with over-done lights and sang our favourite pop Christmas carols.
Then I hung around set (Sophia's house for that day) and ate and visited with Marika.
I went home for about an hour then went and met Tamara to see some sketch comedy.
We went to see her friends The Dance Party of Newfoundland. They were really pretty amazing. I tried to find a video of the sketch I liked most, but failed. They do have some pretty sweet videos up on their myspace page. Apparently they've won best in this sketch fest. Which makes sense because they were really spot on. Characters I liked and wanted to see more of, jokes that would never have occurred to me, originality. Tam and I spent time hanging with one them, and he was very funny and I was too tired to not make bad jokes. But I'm still funny though. Seriously. seriously.
I need to see more sketch. And I need to actually start my stupid sketch troupe with Sophia and Aaron and Beau. For realz. And I badly want it to be called either "The Baby-Sitting Club" or "I forget".

My stomach has been upset for the past five days. It makes me want to die. I'm considering cutting down on the dairy. And wheat, maybe. I don't know what else to do. Except that limits what I can eat to virtually nothing. Especially since my sugar addiction is extreme and I'd like to cut that back.
I should try digestive enzymes maybe. And eating less. Yeah. I'm queen of eating until I feel ill and then still eating more. And then as soon as there's any room, eating more.
Set is awful though, there's so much food and so much eating. I'm going to have to learn to control myself. Something I have never, ever been good at. About anything.

I'm debating whether to do something productive with my afternoon or whether to lie around and dream of Christmas...

that's the way the pork

I hate running. I don't know if I've ever mentioned how much I 100% hate running. It annoys me and feels pointless. So you know how excited I am to be jogging in the rain for four hours tomorrow morning. But at least I get to film. Film for four days straight. I am getting a little nervous and little excited. I love sets. As much as I hate running, I love filming more.
We meant to do much more rehearsing for this than actually happened. I'm a little nervous because of this. But still. I'm excited for crew and set and props and things. Mmmmhmmmm

I emailed my agent to tell him about the shoot and he called me this morning just to check in and make sure it was all good and find out more about it. I really, really like my agent. Even when he's not making money off me, he's still looking out for me.
I wish I wasn't half asleep when he called. I don't really remember what we were saying.
I went back to sleep and had a dream that I was on Ellen. Except I didn't remember shooting it, I just happened upon it on TV. I was really excited. It's my goal to be on the Ellen show. Obviously.

My phone is such a piece of shit. Which is silly because I was getting kind of into it. It is really tiny and sort of addicting to touch. But it has started this annoying habit of beeping loudly while I'm talking to important people and cutting them off and pretending its about to die even though it should be perfectly charged up. And then when I plug it in, after about ten minutes, it says (all self-satisfactorily) Charging Completed!.
What a bitch.

Been hanging out with Miranda a lot lately. She's probably going to flunk out of law school because she likes to go shopping with me and eat brunch instead of doing her homework. We went shopping on Friday, out on Friday night, and out for brunch (at Victory - so good - still no Aunties, but since it didn't have a line-up on the weekend and the baby spinach and goat-cheese omelette was sooo good...) on Saturday.

I got schmammered (as Stephanie would say) on Friday. Drinking at Miranda's house with her buds, then meeting up with Sarah and Dana at Beaconsfield and doing shots with my Sask-a-bud Shayne and then meeting up with Stephanie and Geoffrey and co. at Dakota. Holy b-jesus. A whole lot of running around.
Dana and I still have not made up or discussed how she was in a fight with me. I felt a little strange about that.

Saturday working was really fun. Unfortunately I have been less than discreet about my crush on Third there, and now he's followed suit with his interest in me. This leads to everyone knowing. But so I enlisted Ali's help (she was working a few stands down from me) to make lists about what Third and I could do on our date.
UGH. I totally can't find those lists and I really want to scan them into the comp and post them. They're too good.
Anyway, we got really hyper and ran around the ACC and went and found Third and read him the lists. Which was probably the highlight of the night. Ali and I both put "Get matching tattoos" on the lists. She also put
-"go ice-skating at Nathan Phillips Square" (yeah, there's definitely no ice there)
-"go to the woods, cut down a tree, bring it home and decorate it while enjoying hot cocoa together"
-"enter a couples' fishing derby, come in last on purpose"
My list was much too long.
We, of course, ended up doing absolutely nothing on the lists. We ended up just having a beer at Magpie and then hanging out here.
Ali and I are really really funny together. Sometimes I forget that.

On my way to work on Sunday I totally got doored (by which I mean a stupid motorist opened their stupid door while I was biking by them). But it was a slow-mo dooring. And I was alright. But still a little bit shaken.

Stephanie and I went to see Fred Claus yesterday afternoon. It was pretty good. Well, it was alright. Yeah. It did have an awful lot about Christmas in it, so you know I liked it. I totally go The Golden Compass snack combo and now I have a Golden Compass bucket. I have no idea what I'm going to do with it.
And we had dinner. We had dinner Sunday night too, actually. This is a bad habit. I need to learn to not socialize every minute.

Hung out with Third again last night. Incubate and bond, etc. But I don't even care. Because I do not make negative statements. Or at least I try not to...

6:30 a.m. call tomorrow. Work tonight. I've been feeling ill for the past three days (because that's what my body is about!). I wonder if I'm going to be prepared enough for tomorrow...

I am a good person, I have good patterns and habits

you: Hey Meredith, how was your date the other night?
me: Funny thing that since I can't talk about it since some people read other people's diaries. Even the bad parts where soul patches are heavily mocked... It's funny how he knows bits of my jargon because of this.
I did run into JessicaUpton during it though. Who is now only referred to as "Jesse", apparently. I really like her, I think she's funny. Third made the mistake of asking her opinion of his soul patch and she leaned in and said "That. That is heinous." Wow. I really found that amazing. Also, rude, of course. But things that are rude can be excused by how hilarious they are.

I'm cleaning today. I took the day off yesterday (well, I did the dishes, so not quite), but now I need to get back at 'er. And it's still dirty here. And messy. And things aren't exactly how I'd like them to be. But it's looking better. I'm especially pleased with my tiny Christmas display (gifts by the teeny tiny tree) and my packed book-shelves.

Whatever I'm most involved with thinking about is what I feel like I desperately need to be doing. For instance, I was just watching stand-up on TV and now I am convinced that it's my calling in life. No but really. Why am I the funniest person ever and yet I have no idea how to use it?
I think I'd be best at story-telling stand-up. Or maybe one-liners like Mitch Hedberg. Who is still my favourite.
I need to develop a stand-up character, those comics are always my favourites, the ones with ridiculously distinct styles.
Hmmmmmmm.

Frequently when I get drunk (every day) I tell people about how I want to do a little boy voice-over for a series some day. It's a weird thing to bring up constantly.

Worked last night and made good money and it was busy but smooth and I was in a good mood. And I was making fun of people a lot. Which is probably my favourite thing (and why I want to have a talk show). I really like some of my co-workers.

I tried to take the streetcar there because it was cold and windy and raining but the streetcar didn't come and didn't come and so I finally went back home and got my bike (because biking is at least twice as fast) and when I got all suited up and on my bike I discovered that the chain was off. So I tipped the bike upside down in the rain and wrangled the damn thing back onto its track. Then biked in the cold and saw a biker get hit by a car (and really regretted my lack of helmet. I mean. Dammit. I always wear my helmet Mum), but she was okay and everyone was stopping to help her so I didn't. And by the time I got to work I was soaked right through. But still in a fine temper.

Went for beer with Sophia and Marika afterwards. We tried lots of different kinds at Magpie. I thought I didn't like Magpie, but in fact, I do. Alex and Paul and co were there and we joined them for smoke breaks but sat at opposite ends of the place. I like little interactions like that. We drank quite quickly and I became drunk (oh who's ever surprised at that anymore). I fell off my bike while trying to get onto it. Classy. And ridiculous. Luckily I lived quite close.

Wow Monster is so my favourite R.E.M. album. I like it even better than Automatic for the People. Or Up. As a whole. It has a tone to it that's familiar and addicting. I love Bang and Blame especially. And Strange Currencies. I know that Strange Currencies is similar to Everybody Hurts, but I find it less obvious, more comforting somehow.
Star 69 is pretty out-dated now. And still awesome. And Crush with Eyeliner is excellent. Especially since I assume that the crush would be a dude-babe.

SPEAKING OF WHICH. I'm tired of people assuming that babes are women. Anyone can be a babe. Even dudes. It's actual odd how little I use the words 'guy' 'boy' 'man', etc because of the overuse of the term 'babe'. Thank you Charlotte for bringing that into my life.

I do not have things ready for Christmas. Ugh. Not even close. I got all into it for a bit there but I seem to have fallen off the wagon. I got a remarkably big paycheque today that I'm sure I didn't earn, but whatevers, still going to buy too many gifts gifts gifts gifts.
Sigh.

I LOVE PARIS HILTON AND NICOLE RICHIE.
There I said it.
It's out there.

It's Niki's birthday today. We had breakfast at Aunties. For once in my life I did not have the omelette. I didn't even have waffles. I strayed far. Far, right over to the Pan Bagnat. With Swiss. It was pretty nice. Too oily though, but I knew that'd be the case. It was really quite a nice breakfast, we made several hilarious jokes and came up with even more awkward things to say during sex. What fertile ground for jokes.
I like saying fertile to rhyme with turtle.

Planning on making cookies. Maybe visiting with Miranda. Maybe combining the two. The girl who's doing wardrobe for Tearwater Tea is going to come over today to go through my wardrobe for filming. I've never met her before. Interesting to have strangers go through my stuff. I don't mind. I'm not if not honest.

Stopping with negative statements is such a tricky business. It's hard. Even that is a negative statement. There's a lot of negatives in the way I interact. It comes with being cynical and sarcastic (which are traits I've groomed in myself and which have been instilled by my dear fam).
Tricky tricky tricky

I am pack-rat, I probably deserve mice

I hate cleaning. I hate hate hate hate hate hate cleaning. I keep just lying down instead of cleaning.
I'm at the stage (and have been for a full day) where everything is out and I am cleaning things that I have never, ever cleaned before. I guess after 3.5 years, it's about time.
I'm completely taking everything apart and re-organizing and beautifying. I think my shelves are going to become my new headboard. And we alllll know what a good builder I am. I'm thinking about tying them together with wire. I can't think of a better idea, so...

Rehearsal with Adam last night. First time meeting the woman who will play my aunt. She seems nice enough, and she's much better than any of the women I saw at auditions. It's hard to find a non-union actor 40+ who will work for free and is any good.
Adam's grandma had sent him a care-package and I ate way too many dainties. Did you know that 'dainties' is a prairie word? And British, I think.
I like Adam. I stayed around watching The Rick Mercer Report afterwards. They visited the U of S and I felt homesick. Sighhhhh.

Lately I've been reading a novel at night after I'm done watching all my shows (and when I'm sober enough to make out the words). I was feeling pretty great about it, but I realized they're mostly all teen fiction. I started reading an actual adult novel last night and I totally didn't finish it. Maybe tonight.
I always feel a lot better when I'm reading a lot.

Dammit. I went through the internet trying to make this diary not come up immediately on searching for me. But it's still there. Even though those words aren't in those entries anymore, they're still there.
Hmmmmm.
So we'll be hearing much less about everything. Mmmhmmm.

And since even I forgot I had a locked blog, I can't see myself going back to it anytime soon. Although I'm a big fan of the locked bits.

Brunch with Sophia! Then back to cleaning. It's my goal to have in decent shape by the time I go out tonight. Possible? I don't even know, it's such a disaster.
Possible!

I am a clean and tidy person. No but really though.

The best way to get the house clean is by having one big mess that I just don't want to think about/deal with. Then I just clean everything else while I'm avoiding it, telling myself I'll get to it real, real soon.

I bought this Life brand bio-friendly cleaner. I hate the smell of it. But it does work real nice. My tub is shinier than since I moved in probably. Because I'm just that gross. No, it's nice though. Today I CLR'ed the kitchen sink, which is badly rusted (because I never do the dishes). It didn't work as well as the commercials implied it would. Disappointing.
I even did laundry yesterday! But then I left it in the bags and now everything is dreadfully wrinkled. I could probably use an iron for Christmas, if anyone felt like getting me something real boring.

I left the house a bunch yesterday and spent thirty dollars at Shoppers. That store steals all my money. Except I only bought necessities. I got soaked in the rain running back and forth from the laundrymat. But I don't mind getting completely drenched when I don't have anywhere to be. It's sort of refreshing and nice. And very cold.

I had left-over brownie cupcakes from Tam's birthday which I never iced. But you know what's better with brownies than icing? Butter!
And that's why I'm fat.

Nothing's new. I'm only updating to avoid cleaning. I'm hoping real hard that I'll get this place properly cleaned/organized so that I can only upkeep its cleanliness. Right now it's such a messy disaster, with little messes hidden everywhere, that it's possible to make it look nice, but impossible to have it actually be tidy.
I'm going to get another job to afford proper furniture. I found a great (ugly) metal desk on the street the other night. It's going to be my sewing/craft area. I need to rearrange EVERYTHING just in order for it to fit in the damn place.

I've decided to stop with my negative statements about myself. I'm hoping to stop saying things about how messy I am or about how terrible I am at relationships or about how I'm never prepared enough for auditions/gigs. Because I need to stop believing those things. Obviously.

I ate all the cheese.
And everything that I want to eat involves cheese.

braggart and drunkard

It's raining.
This means I don't want to leave the house.
But. I'm ridiculously close to being out of toilet paper (this happens EVERY time. It really is a wonder how I just don't learn).

I had a dream last night that my iPod came and it was a magical iPod that was more wondrous than I'd ever dreamed.
I also had a dream I fell off a horse and had internal bleeding and all my friends were hurt too and we hung out in a hospital/film set complex. I've always had a weird desire to have a hospital stay. I have no idea why. Because I crave attention, I suppose. I would want everyone to come and visit me and bring me things.
I don't actually want to be ill though. Just in case you were wondering.

Hmmm. I've been debating writing the latest story about Third because he could, in theory, find this blog and read it and then make judgements, etc.

Whoa I just got caught up in reading back-entries on diaryland and it made me feel a little bit ill. Past me is so irritating sometimes. And judgemental. And rude.

Anyway, I worked on Friday and I hadn't seen Third in weeks and was getting tired of having a crush that wasn't ever around. And I sleuthed that he was at work, but nowhere near me. Because I'm impatient like that. So I wrote him a note and folded it into a boat and gave it to another supervisor to give to him. Which she did and he called on Saturday and we made plans for Wednesday! Sooo... yes. I can't just let things be. He thought the boat was a hat. I told him he really just didn't get me.

Friday night I met up with Steph and Solange at Octopus to dance. We bothered Sarah and drank too much. Obviously.

Saturday I baked brownies for Tamara's birthday and went to a potluck at her house. It was some good food and nice to see Alex and Paul and peeps again. My stomach hurt afterwards. But I pushed through it.
Met up with Steph and SC to see Sweet Thing. Drank and drank. Tried to dance but my stomach hurt. It was a good set. SC left right afterwards. He's so bizarre. He takes my rude comments pretty well though. Steph and I stayed and visited with one of my skydome co-workers, Lee, and his friends, who were Humber comedy kids at the same time that I was an Film + TV kid. I need to get into the comedy scene here. Like you don't even know.
Jack told me (seriously) I was not funny, or not "haha" funny the other night. I was beyond hurt. Isn't that hysterical? Then he proceeded to laugh at everything I said, only proving himself wrong.

Steph and I were on our way out but then ended up staying in the 'reserved' section of the club with the band until, well, last call. My stomach stopped hurting because I just drank right through the pain. I visited with Nick and taught him about text messaging. I think he was more drunk than I'd seen him in awhile. I also bothered Morganwaters so much. I need to get on his new TV and I think he should know that I'm serious about it. Which I am. Seriously serious. He was excited to have seen me on MTV and I was excited that he was excited.

After last call Steph and I went to Octopus, which decided to serve for an extra hour on account of daylight savings. I don't remember much about being at Octopus except that I was too drunk to drunk-text inappropriate people and I kept dropping my phone. Apparently I was hump-dancing for an awkwardly long time at the end of the bar. HILARIOUS. I decided to leave after I'd dropped my phone for the fourth time. Apparently Drew Barrymore got there right after I left and she was loaded too, so whatever, all celebrities (like me and Drew) have to be drunkards.

Sunday I was hung over. I made it to brunch at Steph's but I was more than an hour late. Hung out there with Sarah and Julia and they fed me. Then Steph and I watched MTV for an hour hoping to see me. But instead we just saw too much Morganwaters. He out-famoused me again. Quelle big surprise.

Last night I went for dinner with Niki at Musa. The food was really really good. When it finally got there. But it took forever. Forever.

I stayed up until 4 reading an S. E. Hinton novel. I'm planning on doing a lot more reading today. There was a box of teen fiction out in front of my neighbour's house the other day, so I stocked up.

I need to stop talking about how famous I am. It's silly.

I hope I have auditions this week. I'm going into proper rehearsals for Tearwater Tea (Adam's film I'm in) this week and we're shooting next week. Mmmhmmm.

This is the life... especially with Christmas so so so ridiculously close.

I would lick your feet, but is that the sickest thing?

Guess who was on Access Hollywood? THIS GUY.
I think I've been going on about this way too often lately but I'm very excited about it. Very. Still.
And you know what this means: I still know how to get excited. It's still something I have in my repertoire. I'm glad.
Anyway, it was a feature on the Final 24 episode I'm in, a bunch of people saw it and told me about it. Then my mum found it on the internet. My mum is really quite obsessed with me. Quelle surprise.
Right now the link is here. But it keeps on changing. But if you go there and it's not the right video just search Final 24 Jim Morrison.

I can only assume that Jonathan Taylor Thomas saw it and is now in love with me, as I am with him.

Of course.

My voice-over audition was fun yesterday. But I didn't do enough warm-ups at home because I was so concerned with getting everything ready to go to set. So I was tripping over my words a bit. But I still love voice work and still want to do a voice for a series very soon.

Shooting the PSA was neat. On my way there I saw all these big trucks and things and I thought "aww they're shooting a movie" but then it turned out to be my set!
It was a good shoot. Running more than on time and everyone was extremely friendly and helpful. Being the star of stuff is way, way more fun than being background. Everyone dotes on me and that's my favourite. And I love having my hair and make-up done. It all feels like a treat and not like work.
It'll be strange when I start getting harder jobs and it feels more like proper working. I'm still looking forward to it.
Apparently CTV bought all of Chum's stations except CityTV which was bought by Rogers. How complex is that?
But, so, this PSA is made by CTV so there's a lot of stations it might be on. We'll see!

After shooting I went and got a new cellphone. I hate cellphones. And the salesman was no good. At all. I finally picked a super cheap one. WHATEVER. It still cost me too much and it's still stupid, but I'm banking on the fact I'm going to be rich very soon and therefore be able to get a new, better one.

Had dinner with Sophia, who I never see anymore. She working allll the time and has a boyfriend. I miss the springtime when I was one of her only friends and she'd bother me to hang out. Sigh.

Went to Nick's show with Miranda. It was so good. I think I'm always a little bit surprised at how good it is. I definitely like Nick's solo stuff even more than I like Sweet Thing these days. And I said hi to the boys but we didn't stay for the other acts. Miranda had a school pub night to go to (it seems like she does more partying for law school than work) and I went by our dance party night.
SarahJane has decided to take off to Mexico for a couple of weeks and we've decided to only have the nights once a month. Which is good. It was ridiculously dead last night. I would've stayed and properly broke it down but my stomach decided to go nuts. Sometimes my stomach is my worst enemy. Though lately it's really been alright. Which is good considering how many terrible things I put into it.

E-Bow the Letter is my favourite song these days. It's hitting something inside in just the right way.

Miranda and I went for brunch at aunties this afternoon and it lasted a good two hours. Maybe more. David gave us mugs of hot pear juice (they poach the pears to go with the waffles and banana pancakes) while we were waiting and after we were done our brunches Russ gave us some waffles he'd made too many of. So good.
Solo's BF Geoff was there and he's buds with David and so we just talked to them for forever. I'm a big fan of Geoff, he's funny and nice in the right ways. I love couples where I like both partners equally. It's sort of rare, but it gives me hope.
Which I need sometimes.

I got called in to work tonight again. More money!

Tomorrow is Tamara's birthday potluck and I've agreed to make the cake! I haven't made a cake here! I want to make brownies a little bit instead. We'll see. She said I could make whatever. But seriously, brownies with coffee icing? Gah!