A tiny baby slept on my chest for hours the other night and I couldn't do anything but sit there and hold him.

I felt better about the world than I had in a long time.

sleigh bells are ringing

I don't have time for you, diary!

I'm sick today. And it's ice-raining outside. And it's slippery. Don't wear your cowboy boots out there, you'll fall for sure.

So, so much to get done and I can't move. But I also don't feel like sitting still. Maybe sleeping more, but I can't justify that.

Things to get done:

- bake for the party tomorrow
- get decorations for party
- buy Christmas gifts for fam
- buy Christmas gifts for friends
- buy ribbons and trimmings and things
- wrap gifts
- make cards
- get photos printed for cards
- deal with my emotional disfunctions
- get my coat-check cheque
- make money to pay for all these things I need to buy
- make the crafts I'm still planning on even though I obviously have no time
- play my scrabulous moves. Though I'm really not feeling it

I go home so soon, hey? Like so soon.
Next Monday.

Too much has gone one while I've not been updating. I couldn't even tell you.

I :

-lost and found my cellphone. I still don't know where it was found because I wasn't the one who retrieved it. Was pretty glad to get it back though

- worked a lot. A lot. But still I don't have any money. I'm still enjoying ACC because it's such a sweet job and I'm still totally going to get fired because I forget to do things like hand in my availability and stuff. I also did some coat-checking for Sam (boss at Big Chill) and it was alright, but still annoying.

- baby-sat a little. Ana continues to be remarkably cute and pretty charming and the baby, T-Rex, is ridiculous and smiles and stuff. I'm baby-sitting tonight too but only later at night.

- partied. Got pretty pretty drunk the other night with The Girls (Sarah, Steph, Solo, Julia) on mimosas and we ate a whole goddamn lot of truffle. So delicious. We lay around at Steph's house drinking and giving each other massages. This is what boys think that girls do on girls' nights but rarely actually happens. All those girls are so hot though, seriously.
I drunkenly called a bunch of people and left voice-mails that I have no recollection of. Embarrassing.

- Ate brunch a lot. So Much. I should have stock in Aunties. I love it there. Went there today with Ali and Note-Boat and we were joined by one of David's friends (who turned out to be meeting Hayden and co. but still sat with us, even though I told him I would choose Hayden Any Day. I love Hayden and I get the shakes when he's around. But you know that already). I love swiss cheese in the omelette.

- Ate a lot of poutine. Holy bejeezus, it's so good. I get veggie souvlaki and poutine with veggie gravy at Utopia. And I get full. And I get fat. And happy.

- Re-bonded with Sophia. We've been getting along fantastically these days. I'm enjoying her so much. We are good at doing things and planning things. One night we made Christmas cards for about 5 hours. And drank Christmas tea and watched a terrible Christmas movie (Santa Baby starring Jenny McCarthy. Don't watch it. Ever.)

-Continued bonding with Miranda. I'm always surprised at how funny I find her, and I really shouldn't be. We went to see Lars and the Real Girl and we loved it. I loved it so much. It made me feel so good inside.

- am now appearing in three commercials that are currently on-air. I have never been more famous and never felt more like a real actor. I wish I had the money to back up that feeling.

- now have my very own IMDB page!!!!! I am very excited about this and have been wanting one for oh-so long!


Plans I have:

- Christmas Birthday Party tomorrow night, which starts out with the Fancy Ladies' Dinner Party and is followed up by a boy-girl mixeroo. Having it over at Sophia's and we're getting together tomorrow to make a bunch of food and stuff. I think it'll be nice. I hope people actually come and party down.

- Stacy-Ann's Girls Christmas party on Friday. I'm pretty excited about this, I love girls-only stuff and I love dressing fancy and in red and exchanging gifts.

- The Adams and I are having a Christmas get together next Sunday where we bake together and watch Elf and Home Alone. This is the best idea. I'm very, very excited.

- Going home next Monday (LESS THAN A WEEK OMG OMG OMG) and then doing a whole lot of nothing. So much nothing is going to happen. Only:
----- baking
----- crafts
----- gift giving
----- value village shopping
----- tea drinking
----- Christmas movie watching
----- Baby-holding
----- Family bonding
Oh yeah yeah huh

- Birthday!

- Christmas!

I'm been sort of really quite down/moody/irritable-beyond-words these days and I'm trying to figure out what it is and what to do about it... so far... little progress. But I'll keep at it.

Okay. Time to get at 'er.

But I so don't want to.

I am not always mean you know

Three days in a row! I'm avoiding doing actual writing! For sure!

I wonder if it were that I was as good of a poet as Bob Hicok, if then I would be completely content. Because, good god damn, is he ever good. And I feel as though my life would be complete if I could make words fulfill me in the ways that his do.

I am writing today. A bit. And editing. Which is just as important. There's some nice pieces for the next Et Puis? magazine. I hope.

I was in a much better mood yesterday. Which was great for all parties involved. I did a whole great lot of nothing all day. Well, played Scrabulous.

Work was good. Smooth and not stressful. Took my break with Note-boat and gave him a note. A note-bird this time, because when I am not being a tremendous bitch, I can be sort of sweet. Not usually though.
Luckily. Barf.

Went out for beer with Miranda afterwards. We were in particularly good moods and being giggly. I think I was hopped up on caffeine. We laughed for about 15 minutes straight over how I have to attend the ACC staff skating party with N-B. It wasn't even funny. It just was. Well. Staff skating parties are pretty dorky.
Miranda and I might go skiing. I haven't been skiing since elementary school. I can only assume that I will be very, very good at it.
I probably shouldn't have gone drinking since that interfered with my getting any work done. But you know I will always choose party above all.

I have a new niece! (or cousin, for those of you who value accuracy over emotion). I want to see her and squeeze her. But I'm sure she'll be even more exciting by the time I get home. Right?

Had brunch with Sophia at Aunties today. Waffles! Sophia and I were also overly-giggly. We need to get our sketches together. We have some pretty good ideas. And I'm pretty excited for playing my brother. I think it'll look good on me. And he's such rich material for sketches. I mean, he goes to Mennonite house-church! And he only likes guns and video games!
Frequently I wonder where he even came from.
That's what you get with donor sperm, I guess.

less than a month 'til, well, you know

I only have half of a toenail. On my big toe. It's so sweet. And it doesn't hurt at all. It's pretty sick. I want to gross people out with it.

I did indeed make dinner. I made stew and biscuits and then apple crisp.
And Note-boat came over and we ate and I acted like a bitch. And no one was surprised. Wow, it's really such a shame that I have no idea how to relate to people or act like a human. I need to work on that.

I've started say 'scrabulous' unstead of 'fabulous'. That's just how addicted to scrabulous, via Facebook, I am.
N-B doesn't like it when I play scrabulous while he's over. He thinks that's rude.

I was in a bad mood yesterday. I've been in a bad mood a lot lately. I did go Christmas shopping though. But it was raining and I was very cold and damp.
And everything seems so much further when I can't ride my bike. I wish my bike had fenders. Those would sure be handy. I also wish my bike had a basket. Fuck yeah. That's what I want for Christmas. A bike basket.

King's College Choir is very good at singing Christmas carols.

I only want to listen to Christmas carols. And Clipse.
I love my iPod.

I'm getting excited for holiday parties. I really really really need to have one here before I go home. So badly. But I don't know where to have it or how to format it. I want there to be lots of people. But I want it to be small. And I want there to be eating and drinking. And lots of paying attention to me. Because it will also be my birthday party.

Oh birthday!

I think this is the year that I'm going to try and get people exactly what they ask for for Christmas. Unless, of course, I come up with something much better. Or unless it's for my brother, because Emry's lists tend towards the wildly optimistic and I'm always just going to get him clothes or something else equally annoying.

I think after work tonight I'm going to try and do some writing. Real-time writing. And organizing. I'd sort of forgotten my idea of putting together a collection of the best from my magazines. That'd be a good idea. Something a little less personal maybe. Maybe. But knowing me...

iPod! iPod!

I have a new babe in my life. An iPod babe. He's pretty dreamy. The best part about him is how his back is like a mirror.
Well, maybe the best part about him is the music. Maybe.
I've never even owned a discman, let alone any sort of mp3 player. I still have a couple of walkmans though. So my tapes are still valid possessions. No reason to throw them out.

Can't believe it's been so long since I've updated. I've been busy? Not really. It's just that there's always a babe over here distracting me.
No, I've been busy too. I'm glad to have today off to compute and stuff. I'm feeling like maybe making dinner for my date and I. We'll see if that happens. I wouldn't count on it.

Especially after the madness which was the Grey Cup. Yeah, I guess I'm glad Saskatchewan won. I mean, that's good. I got a couple of necklaces. But, jesus, any large crowd is too annoying. Especially when I'm trying to unlock my bike in the middle of a giant rally (WE WON THE CUP WE WON THE CUP WE WON THE CUP, etc). Especially when they've knocked my bike the ground and are standing on parts of it. But my faith in Saskatchewanians was restored when a group of them all rallied around me to help me and my bike out of the melee.
Working the damn game was also a little over-the-top stressful. Especially since I had to work in the VIP bar, which means no money. But they wanted their best workers so me and Stacy brought it. And we pulled it off pretty beautifully, I'd say. I was even in an alright mood by the end. Our boss told us that he's going to try and get us some extra moneys for it. Those fucking cart girls though, they're the ones who did the best. Luckies.

OMG I want everyone to play their moves on Scrabulous so that I can play mine!

I'm starting to work coat-check at the fancy hotels downtown. Sam, my Big Chill boss, runs them. It's good in that I can say yes or no to shifts. But good god damn did I forget how much I really hate doing coat-check. It's so ridiculous. Mostly the length of the shifts. It's ridiculous. And the woman who manages them is already pulling the same kind of guilt-trip manipulation stuff that Sam pulls. Don't get me wrong, I love Sam. I really enjoy Sam now that I don't feel responsible to him and now that I'm good at avoiding his manipulation. But I hate when people pull that with me. The woman told me it'd be a four-hour training shift and then just didn't let me go home. So about six hours in I told her that I'd have to leave. She was expecting me to stay until 2:30 in the morning. That would've been a ten hour shift. Too much. Also there seemed to be a distinct lack of breaks there. And I hadn't prepared for that sort of shift and was overly-starved by the time I made it out of there.

Also, I hate working in fancy places. I'd rather attend fancy places and be fancy myself. I don't like service. This surprises no one.
I worked some sort of Scottish ball and I really really wanted to be going to it. I'm Scottish! There were lovely lovely kilts and giant shiny dresses.
Lately I've been longing for culture and heritage.
I should go eat some toffee or something.

I went for dinner at Note-Boat's mother's house on Friday. With his brother + girlfriend. It was pretty intense. I was just feeling fragile and not up to interacting properly I think. Who knows if they liked me? I guess it doesn't really matter. N-B made such a good dinner though. Eggplant parmesan and mushroom risotto and other good stuff. I love food.
It's hard entering into a situation where everyone is Best Friends and I am the outsider. I've never been good at meeting people or at being in situations where I feel uncertain.
I should grow up.

N-B met all my friends too last week. He came with me to SarahB's CD release and there were lots of peeps there. And he came and met me at the wrap party for Tearwater Tea. Yeah. We've been hanging out too much. As you can well imagine. And things are never as smooth with me as you'd want them to be, but I'm getting better.
Maybe.

I baby-sat Ana for the first time in awhile on Friday. Her aunt was having a baby so I picked Ana up from school and we played for a bit and then I took her down to the hospital to meet them. There's something about labour and new babies and tired mothers that makes me want to weep. Any sort of intense vulnerability gets to me. And any sort of mothering makes me tear up.

SarahJane came back from Mexico and brought me a talisman against broken hearts. She said she bought it from the oldest ugliest woman she could find, so it must be real.

There are lots of things that I'm missing writing about on here. But I do not feel like writing. I have a sneaking feeling that I might be really depressed these days, I just can't admit to it. Since, because I'm happy with N-B then what would I have to be sad about?

At least Christmas is coming coming coming coming coming so soon. And I've booked my flights home and I'm so excited to see my mum! And I think I'm going to go shopping today. Because I need to get it all done and at this rate no one's getting anything... And that would be terrible.

still don't feel guilty for not doing anything

I'm tired. Still. Always.

I'd like to get my hands on some probiotics. Apparently the ones in yogurt really aren't enough to make a difference (probably make the yogurt itself digestible, but not much else). But I hear they're expensive, especially the good ones with tonnes of different strains. Might be worth it if my belly hurt less. It's been alright for the past couple of days and it's amazing. It's fantastic what being pain-free is like.

Being home alone is fantastic. Doing nothing and doing some hard-core catching up with my comp is awesome.
And eating my own food and watching my own TV is nice.

My date was real nice last night. There's really nothing that I want for when I'm spending time with him. And it's so easy (and by 'it's' I mean 'I'm'). We went for Ethiopian food at a place down the street. It was really great, I'd never eaten Ethiopian before. But I love lentils and ginger and weird fermented bread-type stuff, and I especially like eating with my hands, so it was good for me. I bet Niki would love it.
Then we watched Heroes, which I don't know about because I want clear definitions of who's bad and good. But I'm still into it.

Yesterday I went to yoga. FUCK I really hate exercise. I mean, I think I was just dealing with way too much residual stress and was way too tired. But I couldn't stop shaking and almost crying and wanting to leave. But I made it through. And it was okay. There was way too much repetition in that specific class though. If I have to do another downward dog, I'll barf.
I should go to aquafit, it's way less emotional and way more about dancing.
Note-Boat is overly into ice-skating, so apparently I'll be taking that up as well. I haven't been skating in years, but I like hot chocolate (and CHRISTMAS), so I feel like it's up my alley.

I returned my library things and responded to emails that I'd been irresponsible with. Today I am applying for jobs that I don't really have time for and writing bad poetry.

Adam called me yesterday just to tell me he misses me. Aww. I hope every director loves me that much. We're planning a Christmas party involving watching Elf and Home Alone and baking. Hells yeah!
He's promised cookies so thick with ginger and molasses that when you dip them in tea the molasses almost runs out.
I'm thinking of Christmas-shaped shortbread and of nutmeg sugar cookies. And fudge. I'm thinking of sugar sugar sugar sugar sugar sugar. Yes. Please.

this entry is too long!

I am terrible at being busy. I have no concept of time management and I get selfish and I forget things and sabotage myself by not paying attention to what I need to get done. I feel like I've been away for days.
I have too many library items that are fantastically over-due.
I have not responded to offers of work which I so desperately need.
I failed to submit my work availability on time and if I do that once more then I could be fired. Which would be awesome because I rely completely on that unreliable source of income.
I have not paid bills I could pay solely because it takes too much effort.
I have not prepared for Christmas. No sir.

Okay. So I those things to do today. That's alright.
I have a Big Date tonight. I know it's a Big Date because we are going to dinner. And we planned it in advance (last night). I am thinking of dressing up for this event. Because that's how I roll.

Today's the day where Third finally gets a new nickname here. But since he only refers to me as 'Cheese Bro' (which is not romantic at all, nor even particularly charming, but it definitely amuses him), it doesn't make sense for it to be wonderful. So he can just be Note-Boat, because, well, that's easy andappropriate. And I like it.

I've been shooting for the past five days. We're finally all wrapped on 'Tearwater Tea' (which will be called something else at some point, but we're not sure what. I'm pushing 'Broken-Head Margaret', but we'll see).
It was really quite hard. Much harder than I'd expected. But Adam was great - so fun and never got anywhere near upset with me when I was having problems with handling it all. And all the crew were great. I genuinely liked nearly every one. Which is rare for me. I managed to spend 12 hour days with them and not want to punch anyone. Miracle!

The running and crying scene was difficult. Mostly difficult was hitting my marks. Continuity. When I'm pushing 'raw' emotion then trying to do the scene again hitting all the same marks and making the same faces... it's ridiculous.
Continuity is the biggest bitch of film acting.
Tamara and I were talking last night about how everything about film acting works directly contrary to acting in general. How little acting is involved and how technical everything gets.

The character was pretty opposite of me, what with a complete lack of emotion and an all-round emptiness. I got to smile exactly NO times in the scenes. I had to make up for it by being a moron around set and causing little ruckuses.

I still tried to socialize while shooting more than 12-hour days. I saw Note-Boat on Thursday but in a low-key way because I was exhausted. And I went and hung out with Steph and Solo on Friday night. I drank a glass of wine and a bottle of beer (really good beer that I can't remember the name of but it was aged in whiskey casks and was sort of sweet and delicious) and was much drunker than I should have been. Exhaustion + not drinking for a few days = I'm back to being more than lightweight.
We stopped by Julia's birthday party but I just wasn't in the mood for staying and didn't feel like meeting any more new people. So I got to bed at a reasonable time.

Saturday Note-Boat came over and we were supposed to go out but I was having a slight break-down from how stressed out I was (and hadn't noticed, which is how I handle stress, just ignoring it). But he was pretty amazing with dealing with me. Kind and stuff, but not coddling (which I'm always trying to solicit from people...). And even joked me out of it and managed to get me out of the house. Which was quite a feat because once I'm off, I'm usually pretty off for a bit.
But we went to see his friend play and I even managed to be charming and congenial. Helped, of course, by how I actually liked his friend a lot, and how he seemed genuinely pleased to meet me.
His friend new virtually everything about me. That's good because now there's pretty much nothing I could do to Note-Boat that is creepy. Even writing on my blog about him.

Yesterday I only had a couple of scenes to do. But after I was done I went with Sophia to return set stuff to Ikea and Home Depot and stuff. We spent a good couple of hours driving around. We wandered through the massive amounts of Christmas at Ikea and ate frozen yogurt ($1? seriously? If I worked there I'd be the fattest/happiest ever). We slowed down to admire the houses with over-done lights and sang our favourite pop Christmas carols.
Then I hung around set (Sophia's house for that day) and ate and visited with Marika.
I went home for about an hour then went and met Tamara to see some sketch comedy.
We went to see her friends The Dance Party of Newfoundland. They were really pretty amazing. I tried to find a video of the sketch I liked most, but failed. They do have some pretty sweet videos up on their myspace page. Apparently they've won best in this sketch fest. Which makes sense because they were really spot on. Characters I liked and wanted to see more of, jokes that would never have occurred to me, originality. Tam and I spent time hanging with one them, and he was very funny and I was too tired to not make bad jokes. But I'm still funny though. Seriously. seriously.
I need to see more sketch. And I need to actually start my stupid sketch troupe with Sophia and Aaron and Beau. For realz. And I badly want it to be called either "The Baby-Sitting Club" or "I forget".

My stomach has been upset for the past five days. It makes me want to die. I'm considering cutting down on the dairy. And wheat, maybe. I don't know what else to do. Except that limits what I can eat to virtually nothing. Especially since my sugar addiction is extreme and I'd like to cut that back.
I should try digestive enzymes maybe. And eating less. Yeah. I'm queen of eating until I feel ill and then still eating more. And then as soon as there's any room, eating more.
Set is awful though, there's so much food and so much eating. I'm going to have to learn to control myself. Something I have never, ever been good at. About anything.

I'm debating whether to do something productive with my afternoon or whether to lie around and dream of Christmas...

that's the way the pork

I hate running. I don't know if I've ever mentioned how much I 100% hate running. It annoys me and feels pointless. So you know how excited I am to be jogging in the rain for four hours tomorrow morning. But at least I get to film. Film for four days straight. I am getting a little nervous and little excited. I love sets. As much as I hate running, I love filming more.
We meant to do much more rehearsing for this than actually happened. I'm a little nervous because of this. But still. I'm excited for crew and set and props and things. Mmmmhmmmm

I emailed my agent to tell him about the shoot and he called me this morning just to check in and make sure it was all good and find out more about it. I really, really like my agent. Even when he's not making money off me, he's still looking out for me.
I wish I wasn't half asleep when he called. I don't really remember what we were saying.
I went back to sleep and had a dream that I was on Ellen. Except I didn't remember shooting it, I just happened upon it on TV. I was really excited. It's my goal to be on the Ellen show. Obviously.

My phone is such a piece of shit. Which is silly because I was getting kind of into it. It is really tiny and sort of addicting to touch. But it has started this annoying habit of beeping loudly while I'm talking to important people and cutting them off and pretending its about to die even though it should be perfectly charged up. And then when I plug it in, after about ten minutes, it says (all self-satisfactorily) Charging Completed!.
What a bitch.

Been hanging out with Miranda a lot lately. She's probably going to flunk out of law school because she likes to go shopping with me and eat brunch instead of doing her homework. We went shopping on Friday, out on Friday night, and out for brunch (at Victory - so good - still no Aunties, but since it didn't have a line-up on the weekend and the baby spinach and goat-cheese omelette was sooo good...) on Saturday.

I got schmammered (as Stephanie would say) on Friday. Drinking at Miranda's house with her buds, then meeting up with Sarah and Dana at Beaconsfield and doing shots with my Sask-a-bud Shayne and then meeting up with Stephanie and Geoffrey and co. at Dakota. Holy b-jesus. A whole lot of running around.
Dana and I still have not made up or discussed how she was in a fight with me. I felt a little strange about that.

Saturday working was really fun. Unfortunately I have been less than discreet about my crush on Third there, and now he's followed suit with his interest in me. This leads to everyone knowing. But so I enlisted Ali's help (she was working a few stands down from me) to make lists about what Third and I could do on our date.
UGH. I totally can't find those lists and I really want to scan them into the comp and post them. They're too good.
Anyway, we got really hyper and ran around the ACC and went and found Third and read him the lists. Which was probably the highlight of the night. Ali and I both put "Get matching tattoos" on the lists. She also put
-"go ice-skating at Nathan Phillips Square" (yeah, there's definitely no ice there)
-"go to the woods, cut down a tree, bring it home and decorate it while enjoying hot cocoa together"
-"enter a couples' fishing derby, come in last on purpose"
My list was much too long.
We, of course, ended up doing absolutely nothing on the lists. We ended up just having a beer at Magpie and then hanging out here.
Ali and I are really really funny together. Sometimes I forget that.

On my way to work on Sunday I totally got doored (by which I mean a stupid motorist opened their stupid door while I was biking by them). But it was a slow-mo dooring. And I was alright. But still a little bit shaken.

Stephanie and I went to see Fred Claus yesterday afternoon. It was pretty good. Well, it was alright. Yeah. It did have an awful lot about Christmas in it, so you know I liked it. I totally go The Golden Compass snack combo and now I have a Golden Compass bucket. I have no idea what I'm going to do with it.
And we had dinner. We had dinner Sunday night too, actually. This is a bad habit. I need to learn to not socialize every minute.

Hung out with Third again last night. Incubate and bond, etc. But I don't even care. Because I do not make negative statements. Or at least I try not to...

6:30 a.m. call tomorrow. Work tonight. I've been feeling ill for the past three days (because that's what my body is about!). I wonder if I'm going to be prepared enough for tomorrow...

I am a good person, I have good patterns and habits

you: Hey Meredith, how was your date the other night?
me: Funny thing that since I can't talk about it since some people read other people's diaries. Even the bad parts where soul patches are heavily mocked... It's funny how he knows bits of my jargon because of this.
I did run into JessicaUpton during it though. Who is now only referred to as "Jesse", apparently. I really like her, I think she's funny. Third made the mistake of asking her opinion of his soul patch and she leaned in and said "That. That is heinous." Wow. I really found that amazing. Also, rude, of course. But things that are rude can be excused by how hilarious they are.

I'm cleaning today. I took the day off yesterday (well, I did the dishes, so not quite), but now I need to get back at 'er. And it's still dirty here. And messy. And things aren't exactly how I'd like them to be. But it's looking better. I'm especially pleased with my tiny Christmas display (gifts by the teeny tiny tree) and my packed book-shelves.

Whatever I'm most involved with thinking about is what I feel like I desperately need to be doing. For instance, I was just watching stand-up on TV and now I am convinced that it's my calling in life. No but really. Why am I the funniest person ever and yet I have no idea how to use it?
I think I'd be best at story-telling stand-up. Or maybe one-liners like Mitch Hedberg. Who is still my favourite.
I need to develop a stand-up character, those comics are always my favourites, the ones with ridiculously distinct styles.
Hmmmmmmm.

Frequently when I get drunk (every day) I tell people about how I want to do a little boy voice-over for a series some day. It's a weird thing to bring up constantly.

Worked last night and made good money and it was busy but smooth and I was in a good mood. And I was making fun of people a lot. Which is probably my favourite thing (and why I want to have a talk show). I really like some of my co-workers.

I tried to take the streetcar there because it was cold and windy and raining but the streetcar didn't come and didn't come and so I finally went back home and got my bike (because biking is at least twice as fast) and when I got all suited up and on my bike I discovered that the chain was off. So I tipped the bike upside down in the rain and wrangled the damn thing back onto its track. Then biked in the cold and saw a biker get hit by a car (and really regretted my lack of helmet. I mean. Dammit. I always wear my helmet Mum), but she was okay and everyone was stopping to help her so I didn't. And by the time I got to work I was soaked right through. But still in a fine temper.

Went for beer with Sophia and Marika afterwards. We tried lots of different kinds at Magpie. I thought I didn't like Magpie, but in fact, I do. Alex and Paul and co were there and we joined them for smoke breaks but sat at opposite ends of the place. I like little interactions like that. We drank quite quickly and I became drunk (oh who's ever surprised at that anymore). I fell off my bike while trying to get onto it. Classy. And ridiculous. Luckily I lived quite close.

Wow Monster is so my favourite R.E.M. album. I like it even better than Automatic for the People. Or Up. As a whole. It has a tone to it that's familiar and addicting. I love Bang and Blame especially. And Strange Currencies. I know that Strange Currencies is similar to Everybody Hurts, but I find it less obvious, more comforting somehow.
Star 69 is pretty out-dated now. And still awesome. And Crush with Eyeliner is excellent. Especially since I assume that the crush would be a dude-babe.

SPEAKING OF WHICH. I'm tired of people assuming that babes are women. Anyone can be a babe. Even dudes. It's actual odd how little I use the words 'guy' 'boy' 'man', etc because of the overuse of the term 'babe'. Thank you Charlotte for bringing that into my life.

I do not have things ready for Christmas. Ugh. Not even close. I got all into it for a bit there but I seem to have fallen off the wagon. I got a remarkably big paycheque today that I'm sure I didn't earn, but whatevers, still going to buy too many gifts gifts gifts gifts.
Sigh.

I LOVE PARIS HILTON AND NICOLE RICHIE.
There I said it.
It's out there.

It's Niki's birthday today. We had breakfast at Aunties. For once in my life I did not have the omelette. I didn't even have waffles. I strayed far. Far, right over to the Pan Bagnat. With Swiss. It was pretty nice. Too oily though, but I knew that'd be the case. It was really quite a nice breakfast, we made several hilarious jokes and came up with even more awkward things to say during sex. What fertile ground for jokes.
I like saying fertile to rhyme with turtle.

Planning on making cookies. Maybe visiting with Miranda. Maybe combining the two. The girl who's doing wardrobe for Tearwater Tea is going to come over today to go through my wardrobe for filming. I've never met her before. Interesting to have strangers go through my stuff. I don't mind. I'm not if not honest.

Stopping with negative statements is such a tricky business. It's hard. Even that is a negative statement. There's a lot of negatives in the way I interact. It comes with being cynical and sarcastic (which are traits I've groomed in myself and which have been instilled by my dear fam).
Tricky tricky tricky

I am pack-rat, I probably deserve mice

I hate cleaning. I hate hate hate hate hate hate cleaning. I keep just lying down instead of cleaning.
I'm at the stage (and have been for a full day) where everything is out and I am cleaning things that I have never, ever cleaned before. I guess after 3.5 years, it's about time.
I'm completely taking everything apart and re-organizing and beautifying. I think my shelves are going to become my new headboard. And we alllll know what a good builder I am. I'm thinking about tying them together with wire. I can't think of a better idea, so...

Rehearsal with Adam last night. First time meeting the woman who will play my aunt. She seems nice enough, and she's much better than any of the women I saw at auditions. It's hard to find a non-union actor 40+ who will work for free and is any good.
Adam's grandma had sent him a care-package and I ate way too many dainties. Did you know that 'dainties' is a prairie word? And British, I think.
I like Adam. I stayed around watching The Rick Mercer Report afterwards. They visited the U of S and I felt homesick. Sighhhhh.

Lately I've been reading a novel at night after I'm done watching all my shows (and when I'm sober enough to make out the words). I was feeling pretty great about it, but I realized they're mostly all teen fiction. I started reading an actual adult novel last night and I totally didn't finish it. Maybe tonight.
I always feel a lot better when I'm reading a lot.

Dammit. I went through the internet trying to make this diary not come up immediately on searching for me. But it's still there. Even though those words aren't in those entries anymore, they're still there.
Hmmmmm.
So we'll be hearing much less about everything. Mmmhmmm.

And since even I forgot I had a locked blog, I can't see myself going back to it anytime soon. Although I'm a big fan of the locked bits.

Brunch with Sophia! Then back to cleaning. It's my goal to have in decent shape by the time I go out tonight. Possible? I don't even know, it's such a disaster.
Possible!

I am a clean and tidy person. No but really though.

The best way to get the house clean is by having one big mess that I just don't want to think about/deal with. Then I just clean everything else while I'm avoiding it, telling myself I'll get to it real, real soon.

I bought this Life brand bio-friendly cleaner. I hate the smell of it. But it does work real nice. My tub is shinier than since I moved in probably. Because I'm just that gross. No, it's nice though. Today I CLR'ed the kitchen sink, which is badly rusted (because I never do the dishes). It didn't work as well as the commercials implied it would. Disappointing.
I even did laundry yesterday! But then I left it in the bags and now everything is dreadfully wrinkled. I could probably use an iron for Christmas, if anyone felt like getting me something real boring.

I left the house a bunch yesterday and spent thirty dollars at Shoppers. That store steals all my money. Except I only bought necessities. I got soaked in the rain running back and forth from the laundrymat. But I don't mind getting completely drenched when I don't have anywhere to be. It's sort of refreshing and nice. And very cold.

I had left-over brownie cupcakes from Tam's birthday which I never iced. But you know what's better with brownies than icing? Butter!
And that's why I'm fat.

Nothing's new. I'm only updating to avoid cleaning. I'm hoping real hard that I'll get this place properly cleaned/organized so that I can only upkeep its cleanliness. Right now it's such a messy disaster, with little messes hidden everywhere, that it's possible to make it look nice, but impossible to have it actually be tidy.
I'm going to get another job to afford proper furniture. I found a great (ugly) metal desk on the street the other night. It's going to be my sewing/craft area. I need to rearrange EVERYTHING just in order for it to fit in the damn place.

I've decided to stop with my negative statements about myself. I'm hoping to stop saying things about how messy I am or about how terrible I am at relationships or about how I'm never prepared enough for auditions/gigs. Because I need to stop believing those things. Obviously.

I ate all the cheese.
And everything that I want to eat involves cheese.

braggart and drunkard

It's raining.
This means I don't want to leave the house.
But. I'm ridiculously close to being out of toilet paper (this happens EVERY time. It really is a wonder how I just don't learn).

I had a dream last night that my iPod came and it was a magical iPod that was more wondrous than I'd ever dreamed.
I also had a dream I fell off a horse and had internal bleeding and all my friends were hurt too and we hung out in a hospital/film set complex. I've always had a weird desire to have a hospital stay. I have no idea why. Because I crave attention, I suppose. I would want everyone to come and visit me and bring me things.
I don't actually want to be ill though. Just in case you were wondering.

Hmmm. I've been debating writing the latest story about Third because he could, in theory, find this blog and read it and then make judgements, etc.

Whoa I just got caught up in reading back-entries on diaryland and it made me feel a little bit ill. Past me is so irritating sometimes. And judgemental. And rude.

Anyway, I worked on Friday and I hadn't seen Third in weeks and was getting tired of having a crush that wasn't ever around. And I sleuthed that he was at work, but nowhere near me. Because I'm impatient like that. So I wrote him a note and folded it into a boat and gave it to another supervisor to give to him. Which she did and he called on Saturday and we made plans for Wednesday! Sooo... yes. I can't just let things be. He thought the boat was a hat. I told him he really just didn't get me.

Friday night I met up with Steph and Solange at Octopus to dance. We bothered Sarah and drank too much. Obviously.

Saturday I baked brownies for Tamara's birthday and went to a potluck at her house. It was some good food and nice to see Alex and Paul and peeps again. My stomach hurt afterwards. But I pushed through it.
Met up with Steph and SC to see Sweet Thing. Drank and drank. Tried to dance but my stomach hurt. It was a good set. SC left right afterwards. He's so bizarre. He takes my rude comments pretty well though. Steph and I stayed and visited with one of my skydome co-workers, Lee, and his friends, who were Humber comedy kids at the same time that I was an Film + TV kid. I need to get into the comedy scene here. Like you don't even know.
Jack told me (seriously) I was not funny, or not "haha" funny the other night. I was beyond hurt. Isn't that hysterical? Then he proceeded to laugh at everything I said, only proving himself wrong.

Steph and I were on our way out but then ended up staying in the 'reserved' section of the club with the band until, well, last call. My stomach stopped hurting because I just drank right through the pain. I visited with Nick and taught him about text messaging. I think he was more drunk than I'd seen him in awhile. I also bothered Morganwaters so much. I need to get on his new TV and I think he should know that I'm serious about it. Which I am. Seriously serious. He was excited to have seen me on MTV and I was excited that he was excited.

After last call Steph and I went to Octopus, which decided to serve for an extra hour on account of daylight savings. I don't remember much about being at Octopus except that I was too drunk to drunk-text inappropriate people and I kept dropping my phone. Apparently I was hump-dancing for an awkwardly long time at the end of the bar. HILARIOUS. I decided to leave after I'd dropped my phone for the fourth time. Apparently Drew Barrymore got there right after I left and she was loaded too, so whatever, all celebrities (like me and Drew) have to be drunkards.

Sunday I was hung over. I made it to brunch at Steph's but I was more than an hour late. Hung out there with Sarah and Julia and they fed me. Then Steph and I watched MTV for an hour hoping to see me. But instead we just saw too much Morganwaters. He out-famoused me again. Quelle big surprise.

Last night I went for dinner with Niki at Musa. The food was really really good. When it finally got there. But it took forever. Forever.

I stayed up until 4 reading an S. E. Hinton novel. I'm planning on doing a lot more reading today. There was a box of teen fiction out in front of my neighbour's house the other day, so I stocked up.

I need to stop talking about how famous I am. It's silly.

I hope I have auditions this week. I'm going into proper rehearsals for Tearwater Tea (Adam's film I'm in) this week and we're shooting next week. Mmmhmmm.

This is the life... especially with Christmas so so so ridiculously close.

I would lick your feet, but is that the sickest thing?

Guess who was on Access Hollywood? THIS GUY.
I think I've been going on about this way too often lately but I'm very excited about it. Very. Still.
And you know what this means: I still know how to get excited. It's still something I have in my repertoire. I'm glad.
Anyway, it was a feature on the Final 24 episode I'm in, a bunch of people saw it and told me about it. Then my mum found it on the internet. My mum is really quite obsessed with me. Quelle surprise.
Right now the link is here. But it keeps on changing. But if you go there and it's not the right video just search Final 24 Jim Morrison.

I can only assume that Jonathan Taylor Thomas saw it and is now in love with me, as I am with him.

Of course.

My voice-over audition was fun yesterday. But I didn't do enough warm-ups at home because I was so concerned with getting everything ready to go to set. So I was tripping over my words a bit. But I still love voice work and still want to do a voice for a series very soon.

Shooting the PSA was neat. On my way there I saw all these big trucks and things and I thought "aww they're shooting a movie" but then it turned out to be my set!
It was a good shoot. Running more than on time and everyone was extremely friendly and helpful. Being the star of stuff is way, way more fun than being background. Everyone dotes on me and that's my favourite. And I love having my hair and make-up done. It all feels like a treat and not like work.
It'll be strange when I start getting harder jobs and it feels more like proper working. I'm still looking forward to it.
Apparently CTV bought all of Chum's stations except CityTV which was bought by Rogers. How complex is that?
But, so, this PSA is made by CTV so there's a lot of stations it might be on. We'll see!

After shooting I went and got a new cellphone. I hate cellphones. And the salesman was no good. At all. I finally picked a super cheap one. WHATEVER. It still cost me too much and it's still stupid, but I'm banking on the fact I'm going to be rich very soon and therefore be able to get a new, better one.

Had dinner with Sophia, who I never see anymore. She working allll the time and has a boyfriend. I miss the springtime when I was one of her only friends and she'd bother me to hang out. Sigh.

Went to Nick's show with Miranda. It was so good. I think I'm always a little bit surprised at how good it is. I definitely like Nick's solo stuff even more than I like Sweet Thing these days. And I said hi to the boys but we didn't stay for the other acts. Miranda had a school pub night to go to (it seems like she does more partying for law school than work) and I went by our dance party night.
SarahJane has decided to take off to Mexico for a couple of weeks and we've decided to only have the nights once a month. Which is good. It was ridiculously dead last night. I would've stayed and properly broke it down but my stomach decided to go nuts. Sometimes my stomach is my worst enemy. Though lately it's really been alright. Which is good considering how many terrible things I put into it.

E-Bow the Letter is my favourite song these days. It's hitting something inside in just the right way.

Miranda and I went for brunch at aunties this afternoon and it lasted a good two hours. Maybe more. David gave us mugs of hot pear juice (they poach the pears to go with the waffles and banana pancakes) while we were waiting and after we were done our brunches Russ gave us some waffles he'd made too many of. So good.
Solo's BF Geoff was there and he's buds with David and so we just talked to them for forever. I'm a big fan of Geoff, he's funny and nice in the right ways. I love couples where I like both partners equally. It's sort of rare, but it gives me hope.
Which I need sometimes.

I got called in to work tonight again. More money!

Tomorrow is Tamara's birthday potluck and I've agreed to make the cake! I haven't made a cake here! I want to make brownies a little bit instead. We'll see. She said I could make whatever. But seriously, brownies with coffee icing? Gah!

It still doesn't feel like Hallowe'en though

I totally acquired a giant bottle of vodka. And I totally drank alone last night. MUCH to my mother's disapproval.
BUT
I'm feeling better today. So maybe drinking does help. And I always wake up earlier when I go to bed drunk. I don't know why.

AAAAANNNNNDDDD I bought myself an iPod while I was drunk! Yay! A 30 gig video one. I want it to come soon! Oh god I'm so excited.
I was very jealous on account of I bought my mum an iPod for her birthday/Christmas present and it got to her yesterday and so she wasn't paying attention to me on the phone, she was only paying attention to her electronics. Bitch.

I want my iPod! And I want it to work!

(An aside: I don't capitalize the word 'Christmas' because of its God connotations, I capitalize it because Very Important to me)

And I got the most annoying text message of my life at about 2:15 yesterday morning and I threw a fit and then... REPLIED. I do not know what's wrong with me. There's something wrong. I'm an idiot. I can't believe myself sometimes.
I had said to him "please don't bother me at 2 in the morning anymore" and he said "I wasn't going to!" and he put the crazy on me: like I make up the fact that exactly every single time when I am one hundred percent over him and it's all done then he does this!
And THEN we texted for a bit and then he sort of blew me off. Holy F.
I don't even like him. As a person, I mean.
I had no interest in speaking with him at all anymore. And I thought I really wouldn't. But I am can't help but try to win. And I lost so hard. I lost as soon as I opened the phone.
He's impossible to explain his off behaviour to.
And, he'd assumed that I'd sent him a happy birthday message. Which I most certainly had not. So he is always assuming he is winning and therefore he is.

Sometimes being me is such a regrettable thing.

Tomorrow I shoot the PSA. Which is neat!
Aaand I have a voice over audition in the morning. I love voice over. I want to be a voice actor all the time.
When I have a bit of money I'm going to invest in a really great demo reel. Then I'm going to make billions of dollars for very little work.
I'd my goal to do a little boy voice at some point. Even if I have to write my own damn show to get it done.

I was just so sad yesterday. I almost started crying in the Bell store. I do hate Bell and they were busy screwing me in all holes (not in a hot way). But still.

I ran into SarahJane and she and I hung out and got coffee and talked about being sad and I felt a bit better.

I got called to go in to work tonight. Which means money!
I'm a little bit dressed up like a 60s actress, and I plan on giving myself a bit of a beehive maybe. I bought fake eyelashes and I want to wear them. And I think I'll wear it all to work. It'll look great with my sporty uniform. Mmhmm.

If I don't see Third soon, the crush is off. He hasn't been at work when I have been at all lately. Annoying.
One of the supervisors was in another episode of Final 24, she was in the Keith Moon episode and also played the GF and also got to find him dead.
I suggested we could re-enact our re-enactments in interpretive dance form. She seemed pretty interested I guess.
Everyone at work is an actor. Everyone everywhere is an actor.

Right now, as we speak, Naomi is submitting the information for me to have my very own IMDB page. Oh so hot. I'm totally going to add like one hundred pictures of myself onto it so that everyone can see what a total sexpot I am.
(I accidentally first spelt 'sexpot' as 'sextop'. Also accurate.)

I need more crushes. I need to feel hopeful about stuff. I need something to get excited about.

My hair is so hot. I wish I worked on a TV show and got my hair done every day and maybe got a tonne of extensions and it was all body and curly. Yeah.....

Not feeling sad is so much more fun than feeling sad. I'm wondering if I can keep this up.

I think Hallowe'en just passed me by somehow

I ripped my favourite pair of pants. So badly. I can't wear them anymore and I don't think they're patchable. My only pair of khakis. I'm going to need to get another pair because commercial auditions often call for khakis, weirdly enough.
My black flats are also wrecked. There's a metal piece coming out of the bottom which keeps catching on things and making me almost fall. Fun!
I want ankle boots! And black work shoes that are comfortable, warm, and sexy? Is that even possible?

I was running so late for my audition this morning that I had to take a cab which cost way too much money and I still only got there right on time, which is late really.
The TTC is frustrating. Sometimes I just need transit to run on time. I also need to learn how to be early for things.
My bike is still out of commission and I neeeeed it. But I'm unsure how to go about fixing it. I'm a baby. It's ridiculous that a bike ride is faster than a cab ride in this city. And probably double-time to the TTC.
Luckily it's cold out.

If I had an iPod I'd liking walking even better. I broke out my walkman the other day and it made a difference. Until it started eating the tape. Amazing.

My audition this morning was kind of hard because I was supposed to act all crazy. Big is hard. Funny is hard. It was still fun.
Today has just felt like one of those days.

EXCEPT that my agent called to say that I booked a public service announcement commercial. I think it's about equality and it'll be on MTV/Much. Ha, I'll become over-exposed to just that one audience.
Yay. It's still non-union, and doesn't pay great. But I'm realizing how few shifts I'm getting at ACC these days. And I need money money.

I had auditions Thursday, Friday and today. I wish I had them every day, except the days where I was shooting. That'd be so sweet though.

Thursday's dance party was good. I worked the door so I didn't dance much. Some of my friends came and I didn't really realize they'd come because of me. I was pretty tired and out of it. Funny. We just recycled the previous theme because we were too busy to make a new one.
Nathan came by and then I went with him afterwards and we got pizza and then found Shayne and got dial-a-bottle (seriously Ontario, no off-sale? really?) and hung out at Shayne's until six in the morning. Because I party all the time and that's how I roll.
I adore Nathan. He's one of my favourites for sure. We had girltalk for maybe the first time ever. I was prying into his private life and stuff. But it was nice. It seems like he's even kinder these days, more careful, more care-taking, sweet. We had a good talk about his music and made some good jokes.

I took Friday off from partying. I just slept all day really. And tried to do some work at night. But I mostly just watched TV on the internet.

Saturday I worked at Skydome and then at ACC. Double shifts are hard on me since I'm so remarkably used to never working at all. But ACC called me in and I wanted to see Third and I mostly REALLY neeeeed money (I may have mentioned). But Third wasn't even there and it wasn't very busy at all.
I have told way, way too many people that I have a crush on Third. I don't mean to. But it's boredom. And I love having crushes. But I do need to keep my damn slut mouth shut.
Mum doesn't like the word slut. JFYI.
I told people I'd tell them if they could guess. But then everyone guessed right. Dammit.

After work on Saturday I went out to Octopus with Stephanie, her BF, and Solange where SarahJane was working for Steph's birthday. It seems as though Steph and Solo are going to be players in stories, so I will give you back story. I met them on the Grand Analog video shoot. They are good friends are SarahJane's and BFFs of each other. I like both of them a lot a lot. Solo has the type of confidence I wish I had, the wild self-assurity and beauty. And Steph is classic and put-together and obviously beautiful.
After Octopus we went to Solo's house and ate left-overs from their dinner (including the best sweet potato pie I've ever ever eaten) and then I went home before I fell asleep in the arm-chair.

Yesterday I did a bit of work and cleaned up a bit. I had sushi with Devon and Naomi. I do like them both but it does get tiring talking about "the biz" and about all the stuff we should be doing. I mean, we should be doing everything. But we're not. We should be doing short films and sketches and comedy and stand-up and improv classes and theatre and putting up our own plays and entering the fringe and and and and and and
It's just frustrating after awhile.
And not too helpful to just talk and talk about it.

I wish I felt as successful as I seem.

If you had told 14-year-old me that I would have national commercials running, that I be a TV show that's airing internationally, that people would want to write roles just for me... well, I would've been in rapture, I would have been unbelievably excited, I would've fallen over I think.
I think I've lost the ability to be truly excited. Except about hilarious things.
I need to work on that.
Yes yes I'm going to work on my sense of excitement, my ability to express joy, my ability to be warm with people.

It just doesn't make any sense how sad I am today.

This is going to be a long holiday season...

TWO MONTHS TIL CHRISTMAS.

You have about one week until we are completely overwhelmed with Christmas Christmas Christmas. Get ready. AHhhh.
Already stores like Pier One and Homesense on Yonge are after my own heart. What huge gorgeous displays. And The Bay was putting up all their lights. Sigh Sigh double sigh.

I'm so paranoid all the time about being late for things. But then I'm still always late. I woke up much earlier than I had to today because I was scared I would over-sleep and miss my audition this afternoon, which is not until 3 pm. Hmm.
I'm hung-over. Again.
And I'm planning on partying for the next three nights at least. I think. Hallowe'en weekend. I have given absolutely no thought to what I should go as. Or even if I'll dress up. Maybe I'll go as "your mom got drunk and embarrassed you" again. That was a successful costume. I love smeared lipstick. And the costume only gets better as the night wears on. And you get to yell at people. I like costumes that come with a character and ways to behave.

Tonight is our S.O.S. dance party again at White Orchid. I hope there's people I don't know and babes to hit on.
I'm not working so I can't make Third come. Which is highly annoying. Maybe he asked Google about me and Google sent him here and he'll know to come to the party.
Because everyone is obsessed with me.

Hung out with SarahJane yesterday. Had lunch and discussed plans and Getting Shit Done.

Went to Grand Analog's show at Mod Club. He was opening up for Shad. It was really fun. And good. I think. I was a little drunk. A lot drunk. That's how I roll. I went through the crowd and gave S.O.S. dance party cards to all the cute boys. It took way more bravery than I thought. I chickened out a couple of times.
We went out drinking with some peeps afterwards. I might have slipped off the babe-train. But that's okay because... well. Hmm. I guess because it has to be. And because it's a non-drama situation. Yes. That's why.
I like Third best.

I have no patience.

Pusha T got the key he can unlock ya

I turned on the heater. I've been sitting and shivering for an hour. I give up. It's autumn.
I want it to snow! Especially since my bike is down. I like walking in the snow. Yesss Christmas.

My audition is by a Value Village. Trouble.

TWO MONTHS TIL MY BIRTHDAY

I'm slightly hung-over and sore in every part from too much working out yesterday. I think I'm even more out of shape than I'd feared.
I do not like working out. I do not like exercise where I notice that it is exercise. It seems pointless. I have better things to do. Like watching TV. And sleeping. I need an iPod. So badly. At least then I could get some fucking books on tape or something to listen to or something.
The Y is giving me a session with a personal trainer. Hmmm. We're going to work out a work out plan. I hope involves very little working out.
I'm going to try going to a lot of aquafit and dance classes. Those feel a lot less like work.
I want all my friends to join the gym with me, give me motivation and stuff.

I'm very angry with Rogers as it seems that I won't, in fact, get to watch MTV because that's one of the very few channels they refuse to preview for me. And it would cost an extra $25/month to see it. What? Ridiculous.
The Final 24 episode about Jim Morrison is airing in the states on Hallowe'en and then all the time after that looks like. I'm so famous. I still don't know when it'll air here.

My work crush is not in love with me. I see no other explanation as to why he wouldn't constantly seek me out and pay attention to only me and pursue me outside of work. I have no patience for crushes. I don't even like having crushes. Except for when it's exciting. Then I do for realz.
Aw, I do like him though. I do like babes. Too much.

Went to see Carolyn Mark last night with Tamara. Dakota Tavern is one of my favourite bars that I rarely go to. I always feel like I'm in a different city when I'm in there. Like maybe Nashville. Or Thunder Bay at least.
My Sloan-friend Gregory was playing in her band and invited me. I hadn't seen him since he moved here so I felt like I should go. Also, I'd heard many good things about Carolyn Mark. And she was really good and fun. But I think I liked the two openers even better. NQ Arbuckle and Rich Hope. Both were amazing and dancey and I felt like I was at a really cool hoe-down. The dad I baby-sit for was there. It's funny to be in a social situation with someone who you work for... especially if the work is being in their house and interacting properly with their most prized possessions. But I like that dad. And it was nice to see Gregory and nice to have Tam there to dance with.

Dreamt last night that I was pregnant, almost at full-term, with my friend's BF's baby. Hmm. I realized I had been spending so much money on beer and eating out that there was no way I was going to be able to afford a crib. No worries, I thought, I am all alone anyhow, she can just sleep in my bed. Also, it was going to be a little black baby girl and I thought there's no way I'm going to know how to do her hair. Also, I was refusing to move back to Saskatoon so I was constantly on the phone to my mother who was my long-distance lamaze partner.

I think I'm overly-lonely.

TWO MONTHS AND ONE DAY UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY

For a few minutes there this morning, it was feeling like everything was going to irritate me to the point of distraction today. But I seem to have calmed down.

I was awoken by an overly-long phone call from Rogers. Rogers is obsessed with me and my services from them. They are obsessed with offering me free things in order to prove how excited they are to have me as a customer. Today they offered me all the specialty channels for free for one month. The trick is I have to remember to cancel them before the month is up otherwise I'll be charged $45 on top of my other fees. Ew. I'll remember though.
BUT.
You know what this means?
This means I'm going to see my MTV commercial!!!!! On TV!!! And I'm going to tape it. Is that dorky? Yesssss yes.
I will no longer be the only person I've ever met that hasn't seen it (who knew that so many people had MTV).
Hurrah!
I hope I also get to see Cock'd Gunns and other ones that exist only on channels that are too rich for my blood. Ohhh Movie Network...

I went to pick up the pictures of AlexPB. Overall I am not impressed with myself on this shoot. I wish that we'd done another roll. I wish I knew how to a) focus a camera and b) trust my light meter. But some of them are quite beautiful, I think.


This one is well-photoshopped by the developing guy. It looks strange but I sort of like it.


I like the hair. I don't know if it's usable because of that... but I think it's neat.





Yesterday when I went to get on my bike I discovered that my back tire is so flat that it's loose. Wow. I depend on that bike. So much.
But luckily I didn't have anywhere where I HAD to be. So I spent hours just walking around the city. Walking really slows everything down. In a bad way, but also I notice everything so much more. It's just easier to pay attention.

I went to the Y to make an appointment to renew my membership. Which is today. !!! I'm going to be fit! (We'll see...) I have to run in the short that Adam's making with me and lord knows I am not a runner. I have never ever ever liked running. I'm going to try and be at least a bit better at it by the time we shoot in a few weeks.

I Christmas shopped a bit. But mostly I shopped for me. Because that's what I do when I realize I don't have a proper job and will probably run out of money very very quickly.
I bought two new bras. They were on sale at Jacob. I am a weird size and Jacob's sizes are weird. But they're nice. And I haven't bought a new bra in too long.
And I bought my perfume, which I've been out of for a couple of weeks. Good goddamn I love that perfume. I've loved it since 2k1 and I think I like it more now. Once again, if only there were a man I felt that way about.

Bothered my mum on the phone for too long last night. Sometimes I just get a little bit lonely living here.
I was trying to work on my TV show and it just wasn't working out. I did write a few ideas down. But that was about it. Then I had a beer and watched more TV. And read my book.

Work tonight.
But working out first, which I'm even mildly excited for. Must be the coffee. I'm going to go on the rowing machine!

maybe if I went Christmas shopping I'd feel better

I'm a good updater because I'm avoiding all the other kinds of writing. So badly. I hate writing.

Yesterday in one spot I wrote "me" instead of "him". Is that a Freudian slip? If you notice where it is, I will give you a prize. The prize will be my cock.

AlexPB is ridiculously good-looking. But really. But the kind that you don't notice at first. The kind of beauty that you have to stop her and really look and you realize that she's gorgeous. She's funny and wonderfully awkward. We wandered around Cabbagetown, where it felt more like autumn than it has in any other part of the city. It's such an old part of town with so many trees that you have to wade through the fallen leaves at the sides of the roads. One of my favourite things to wade through. We found many neat walls and doors and colours to shoot in front of. I'm a little bit worried about light though. Hmm. We'll see. I wish I had a digital camera to at least do test shots with. And I need to get a light-weight tripod asap.
AlexPB's apartment is wonderful as well. It's the sort of apartment I might consider moving out of my apartment for. If I were richer and if it were in my neighbourhood (Almost four years and I think I love my neighbourhood more than ever. If only I could hold a relationship like that...). Her apartment is a perfect tiny white one-bedroom with big windows and straight walls, which are much better for space usage than my sloped ones. I do love my sloped ones... but they do make everything seem smaller.

I'm thinking about biting the big one and buying some actual furniture to go in here. A new futon instead of my curb-mattress and the unsteady platform I built, maybe. And some proper shelves and a wardrobe I could cover. Right now the rail of clothing is pretty much the focal point of the whole place.

These days are filled with tiny breakdowns but then I turn on the TV and America's Funniest Home Videos won't let me be sad.
I pictured where Third would live and what he probably listens to do and how he lives his life and I couldn't imagine it being good.
I don't know.
I'm reminded of when I dated that business man when I was, what, eighteen or so. I just push things. Oh, it's possible for you to have a crush on me? Let's see how much I can get away with.
The business man had the emptiest biggest house I've ever experienced. His closet had a few suits and not much else. He was fascinated with me, and it seemed like that could be enough.
Hmm. But he was an idiot. A big, big idiot. And Third is obviously not.
But I am not convinced that I actually have a crush on Third. Just the way I'm sort of panicked about it is not a good sign. I am needing distractions and I am incapable of just stopping with babes.
I had dreams last night of trying to orchestrate situations in which I would feel okay about making out with people I wasn't completely interested in.
Yeah. They weren't even sexy dreams. I'm boring.

I have to look for another job today. I have virtually no shifts at ACC this week.
I should use this opportunity to Get Things Done.
I will.

raw-hearted, hopeful, here and there yes

I keep forgetting that I'm not getting on the babe-train. There's just people I'd like to board. If I'm not being too subtle.

I get very very very worked up about things. No surprise to anyone. It's fun? I don't know.

My heart is a bit raw and I'm trying to find things to salve it, which is not productive and then I'm not sure if anything is valid..
yes, yes, we know that already.

Work was good. We weren't tooo busy and we made money. And I made new best friends with my supervisor, who was a girl for once! We'll call her S (because I love Gossip Girl and they refer to each other by their initials). She is also a Capricorn and likes to talk about babes. We rated babes and discussed how it was possible for babes to be toooo good-looking. I told her all my gossip and we looked forward to the next time, when we could go over our summer adventures together.
I am not a whole-hearted believer in astrology. But. Sometimes it seems uncannily accurate. For instance, I'm done with Libras. I know how it'll go. Except I'm not done with them because they are good at convincing me that we'll be in a relationship forever, etc.
I'm nervous of Capricorns. They are intense and I relate and feel nervous of myself, even. Mairin and Maria and SarahR from highschool, especially. I'm convinced that all of those girls are smarter and cleverer than me. For sure. And I'm pretty smart and clever.
If I had to guess what Third's sign is, I would say Libra (ha), Capricorn, Virgo, or Leo? Fine I have no idea.

Speaking of third, his stand was across from mine so it was easy for him to come and bother me. He came over to say sorry for not coming to my dance night but I said WHATEVER. He whinged about not having anyone to go with. I said WHATEVER. Then later I said "___went by HIMSELF" and he said "____ lives two blocks away from there" and I said "WHATEVER". He was hanging around my stand talking to my partner and I heard him say "I must have a sense of humour. I have a handlebar moustache. On my FACE." and I said "I like your moustache!" (I didn't want him to shave it off! although he could shave that stupid "soul-patch" bit because all soul-patches are STUPID and ugly) and he came over and got in my space
Third: Well, you know if Meredith gives you a compliment, it must be true
me: I'm nice!
Third: I know but you never give compliments!
me: I have issues with giving compliments!
Third: Me too. Yeah, I'd rather just kiss than give compliments
I avoided answering that. That terrified/excited me. I push things and also get nervous. Nervous, especially, that I'll turn and not like me as soon as he admits his love. But then he didn't pursue me much after that. Huh. I left all furious that he isn't trying to see me or get attention from me, etc.
Obviously, that only deepened my affections.
I'm fucked!

I'm trying to hit on one of my actual bosses because I don't much like him and he's always looking for what I'm doing wrong and I will look forward to seeing him if I have a game going on with him. (fucked) But, luckily, he's been seeing me all over the TV, so it looks like my TV appearances have been hitting on him for me. NICE.

After work I went for beer with SC. I adore SC. He amuses me to no end. Well, some ends I guess. He's into beer appreciation and so we try different beers together. Now I definitely know what hops are about. And I had a really nice one that tasted a lot like candy. Yeah. Beer + Candy = dreamy. We also got food there and it was really good. I love eating out. I made SC have girltalk with me. Which was pretty long overdue I would say. It gave me more faith in him as a person and maybe he does have a few feelings. Even if they are tucked away and more related to physical appearances than proper characteristics.
Actually, the way he thinks of relationships, romanticizes past relationships, and especially the way he stalks people, is not dissimilar to the way I go about things.
Actually, he might even be better at stalking people than me. And I think he looses interest in people who like him as well.
I really think he's funny. And I miss David a lot, so I'm trying to replace him with SC. Which is not an easy swap-out. But still fun.
SC took me out of his FIVE (5 people he has unlimited talk/text with). I am not getting over that one anytime soon. I'm madly disappointed. His has no commitment to our friendship. Except reading my online diary.

On my way home at about 1 am, I ran into my work BFF, Layla. She's a wonderful, hilarious Persian Princess who wants me to read about Why Men Love Bitches. She's a real estate agent by day and only dates rich men and is totally not the kind of person I'd be friends with if I didn't serve beer with her. We get along surprisingly well though and have a tonne of girltalk. She was walking home and so I walked her back since I had my bike with me. Then she bought me a pomegranate and invited me to see her new condo. So I went and hung out with her and her sister there and had more girltalk.

It was kind of a neat night.

Today I have to get going. I'm on my way to do headshots for AlexPB. She is amazingly good-looking, so it should be good. And she has lovely (natural) red hair and green eyes and pale pale skin. She is very lucky. I haven't seen her for awhile and so that should be a good catch-up too. And it looks GORGEOUS out. Seriously. 25 above or something? What? I'm going to wear a sundress.

I'm not sure why that last sip of green tasted like smoked ham.

babe-train

I always have a headache.

I love my hair today. If I had curly (or even wavy) hair, my life would be complete. Probably.

Rehearsal today for Teawater Tea, the movie my friend Adam is writing/directing that MorganRT and I are in. We started it out with brunch at Aunties. If all rehearsals started out with brunch then I would so be into acting and stuff.

Adam stayed around after MRT left and we hung out and chatted and talked about ladies who were both funny and sexy. One of my favourite subjects. I think this film is going to be interesting. And also really really hard. Which is nice.

We did end up getting everything done for our dance night, SarahJane and I. And it looked good. But then no one came. These nights take a long time to get off the ground, which is rather annoying. But a lot of people that I know came and were supportive and it was nice of them to stick around even though it wasn't the biggest party ever. It's nice to have the dancefloor to yourself though. Me and Sophia especially were dancing like crazy people. Incorporating props and everything. Yeah.

One of my supervisors from work came. But not the one I have the crush on. Well, I guess I have a slight crush on this one too (who don't I have a crush on? no. really.) I thought it was nice of him to come, and brave to come even though he didn't have anyone to drag with him. Braver than I would be, I think. I wish I liked him more. Or wasn't committed to this other crush. Oh, yeah... I'm also supposed to be off the babe-train.
A couple of my relationships have started with people coming to things that I've invited them to. On their own. JM came to that shaker I had out in the country all on his own. And Nick came to a show I was going to all on his own. He told me later that Owen and Tyler had been supposed to come but had weinered out and he had came very close to not going as well. I'm glad he did.
Actually, I saw him and Tyler this morning at Aunties. I'm always happy to see them. Though (maybe on account of them being actors, which is weird since I consider myself to be more honest than most people) I'm not sure whether they actually like me or whether they are just being polite.

The crushing supervisor (that's a good expression) is going to be referred to here as Third. Because of how he is the Third babe with that name. He made like he was going to come to my dance night but then he didn't. Even though he is in love with me and spends a lot of time at my stand visiting me, even when he's not working with me at all. I'm mystified. He's probably just not as brave as the other supervisor is.
I've started using people's names in order to remember them and I'm also trying to relate to people better and be involved and polite. This comes off as flirting. So hard.
Weird.

I had an actual LOL conversation with SC on MSN last night that involved him talking about how he'd rather babes wanted to bone than not bone, even if he wasn't interested in boning them. He is doing very little to convince me that he has feelings. At all.

Nathan and I had an awesome/hilarious/awkward phone conversation last night. We obviously want to hang out but it's weird because we don't really hang out on our own.. but we also don't have common friends. I don't know why it was so awkward but we pointed that out and it made it awesome.
We should hang out. Nathan is one of my favourites.

Work tonight. Then who knows... I need a second job. Though it's been nice to have time to do creative stuffs when I feel like it.
I hope I get lots of new crushes tonight and yet still manage to stay off the babe-train.

too much mug

OMG
My mum is very devoted to me and she found this clip:

http://www.biography.com/broadband/main.do?video=Final24-JimMorrison

It is from the TV show I did where I play Jim Morrison's girlfriend. It is the first footage I've seen of it. I love how even the first three minutes of this show has too much of me in my underpants. But it looks good. And I'm excited! Oh god I really want to see the whole episode. It looks like it's going to be playing a lot on Biography, Discovery, the E! network, and on Global. Weird.
You have no idea how famous I'm feeling these days. But in a fun way, not in a Lindsay Lohan way. But it's neat having everyone see me on TV all the time. I still have not seen the MTV commercial and I'm dying to. It's getting to me.

It's weird how I'm not working or even auditioning at all right now and yet it seems to people like things are taking off for me because of how my mug is everywhere.
Another neat thing: Our rap video:

Grand Analog - Touch Your Toes

is in Much Vibe's top ten right now. Which is pretty exciting. Especially for SarahJane since she put such ridiculous amounts of effort into it.

Had a weird moment yesterday where I ran into my downstairs neighbour while doing laundry and he asked me how Bruce was. I thought he'd for sure somehow found out about Buster Bruce from the internet and was stalking me. Then I realized that I had told him I was working the Bruce Springsteen concert the other night. Ai. Paranoid.

Speaking of Brucie, there are only three plausible scenarios for my poor sleep last night:
a) Brucie is back and was running around my kitchen and also possibly on my bed and yet left no trace of himself around the apartment
b) I was having nightmares
c) this place is haunted (I'm actually leaning towards that possibility)

Worked for a few hours last night and also had brunch this morning with SarahJane to work on this dance party night that is tomorrow. It's looking good. We still have way too much work to do and I'm not really feeling it. Hmm. I'll get into it after work tonight hopefully.
Yay money.

I have have have to remember to submit my availability for ACC next month. Too much going on and it's frustrating how ten don't post anything far enough in advance to plan my life around. Double ug. I need a life planner. And I need to set office hours and Get Shit Done. SarahJane's been a pretty good influence on that lately.

Keep it keep keep it up.

Grand Analog - Touch Your Toes

did I post this yet?

I am built for autumn

I've fallen in love with my apartment all over again. All it took was taking the AC unit out of the back window and pulling down the heavy fabric covering that up (to keep the hot sunlight out). I forgot just how much I love the view out my back window. I remember being sad to have to put the air conditioner in in the springtime, but I forgot about just standing around in the kitchen looking out. It's really nice. And now it's so bright in here.

Lovely.

Oh yeah, I had a new pet there briefly. A mouse named Buster Bruce, fondly referred to more often as Brucie (Loosey Brucie, Brisket, Butter Ball, etc). He was really really really really really cute and he peered at me from the window sill and the sun shone through his tiny ears. Oh, and he shat all over the counter.
He also terrifies me a little bit and I'm sure he's going to climb into my mouth while I'm sleeping. But I think I got him to leave. I pulled the AC unit out while he was underneath it and he ran outside. Then I closed the window then I covered up the hole in the wall in the cupboards. Except I have little doubt he'll get back in somehow. Stupid Brucie.

I need a kitten.

I have a new work crush. He is a supervisor. I only like supervisors. I like it when I can charm management and then not have to worry about lame stuff like being a good worker (jk. god). It's one of those crushes where I already know that once I've charmed him and got him really interested and pushed it as far as I can then I will turn on him and hate him. I'm a terrible person. Except maybe he has a gf anyhow and then I will turn it into how much I love him and how sad I am that we can never be together. Someone punch my face. Please.
To make my life (and story-telling) more complex, he has the same name as two other babes I've been in love with periodically. Annoying.
He's quite funny and sweet though and he got me a delicious panini and helped us to win the decorating our stand contest. And it is very nice to have a reason to go into work.
Mum says crushes got her through university. But she did drop out about 100 times. I don't think she's as devoted to babes as I am.
After work on Saturday I went to the ACC staff party. I got drunk too quickly and then told too many people about my work crush. Wow that's silly. Whatevers, the crush keeps pointing out how I'm in love with him, so it's not really a big secret. He has a really really funny handlebar moustache. And funny sideburns. And a funny haircut.

It's silly that only after Chala has left I would wiener my way into her group of friends.
Ever since the rap video shoot I've been seeing more of SarahJane and her crew. What seems to be the core of the group is an odd mix and I really like them all. They are all care-takers and would do anything for anyone (with boundaries, of course).
I had brunch with them all on Sunday because it was Sandra's last night in town before going back to Mexico where she is opening her own bakery and cafe (how dreamy). SarahJane cooked for us all at Steph's condo and we talked dirtier than I have in quite awhile (and I talk dirty a lot), I laughed-to-crying at least twice. That's a sign of a successful social gathering.

Now I am, apparently, helping SarahJane organise her dance party Thursday nights. I'm excited. I like art and dance parties and music. We're meeting to come up with more arty influences/props for this Thursday. Funsie.
I'm coming up with other themes and installations we could do...

Had the first rehearsal for the short film that I'm doing for my friend Adam. Me and MorganRT had to do an awkward scene for quite awhile. It was fun. Sort of. I like Morgan less than I used to, so it's less fun than it could be. I like Adam. And I like the script.

I need to get a second job. But I don't want to. I'm working about four days a week right now for only about 3 to 4 hours a shift. Wow. Once I put that down I realized how silly I am. I work only about 15 hours a week. That's awesome. No damn wonder why I wouldn't want a second job.

Okay. I seriously need to go do laundry. It's been too long. There's a lot of clothes that I miss wearing. Okay. Yes. Motivation. Yes.

happy pies-giving

I don't know how days slip by without updates. I swear I updated more recently.

I'm having pie for breakfast. Right now I'm having vegetable pot pie and then I'm going to follow it up with apple pie. Yes. Happy Thanksgiving to me.

I normally am not enthused with Thanksgiving. At all. But I got really sad on Sunday when I realised that I didn't have any dinner to go to or any family to give thanks with. So I decided to have a last minute dinner at my house on Monday.
Niki and Miranda and Owen and Jack came over. I (with Niki's help) made the pies and a giant salad (with roast corn and cabbage and beans and lots and lots of other veges). I liked it a lot. Which is the only thing that matters really. It was a nice and quick meal. Just a lot of eating and then we went and sat in the park for awhile. And then everyone went home.

It should not have been 39 degrees yesterday. Especially since I had the bloody oven on all damn day. I had the airconditioning on and we were all still sweating at dinner. So bizarre. It's October. It looks better today. Only about 15 degrees. But I wish it wouldn't rain since I have to go ride my bike.

I have an audition this morning in which I have to rap. I do not know what is wrong with me. I don't know why I would've submitted myself for this, which I did. I must have been drunk. Anyway. I have to rap. To Everyday People. That is not an easy song to rap. I hope they let me do my own thing, I'll totally give them a taste of Dance Attack.

Worked a bit this weekend. At Skydome and at ACC. I'm getting used to getting shifts at ACC, and I hope that I keep getting them... I still need another couple jobs probably. But ACC is a good base. It would be wonderful if they would tell me when I'm working more than four days in advance. Especially when they want me to keep all the dates open.

I went out with SarahB on Saturday. We ended up at Teatro to visit SarahJane and to get babes. And we met two of the prettiest babes we'd seen in awhile. We chatted them up and then went with them to play the baby grand piano at the one babe's house. SarahB may have gotten a new boyfriend out of it. Time will tell. I'm jealous, of course.
We ran into Dana and Leslie on our way to the babe's house and stopped to see them. I never see Leslie anymore. It was odd to see Dana since we're in a fight still. But we ignored it. I tried to be very polite to her friends. Don't want to be seen as rude.

I do like Patrick Watson. Some of his music sounds like ghost stories and also like Christmastime.

The Big Chill is now closed for the season. I've got the melting ice cream remains in my (under-active) freezer to prove it.

My MTV commercial is on the air. I know because a lot of people have seen it and on Facebook I'm being contacted by people I haven't thought about in years. I want to see it. So badly. I had a dream in which they had found all this footage of me as an ugly teenager (which I never ever was, JFYI) and used that instead of the cute footage we shot.
I hope that happened.

laundry, dishes, bill-paying, organizing, doctor-finding..

I'm going through hummus like it's water. Or like beer, in my house. I love it.
I haven't had any yet today. Once I get started...
I did, however, have a chocolate bar and a huge bowl of apple crisp. The apple crisp is made with red river cereal as well as oats, so it has flax so it must be healthy.

Despite the fact that I was woken this morning (afternoon) by a call from my agent with an audition, I did not want to get out of bed. It makes sense considering I am always completely wide awake at three a.m. But even with good news, I'd rather be sleeping.
I did get up though. And ate chocolate and watched the Tyra show (best show ever) and knit. Tyra was talking about how hot geeks are. Yes.
I finished a scarf, that I have no recollection of starting (maybe back in January?), last night. It's not very nice. I wonder if I'll wear it. Probably just to prove that it was worthwhile. I have my mother's dictionary of needlecraft that I took from her dad's house. It's been remarkably helpful. I'm going to teach myself how to crochet too, maybe. Might as well be useful while I watch hours and hours and hours of TV.

I did babysit yesterday. It was kind of nice. I picked Ana up from school and we went to the library and read a bunch of books and played with the one toy there. Libraries should have more toys. Then we went and bought grapes and snow peas and went and ate them in the park. We played on the swings (I haven't swung on my belly or upside down in far too long) and on the merry-go-round (which is Ana's favourite but it also terrifies her). We played princesses and had magic leaves to grant us all of our wishes.
I brought her home and got to meet the tiny dinosaur baby who was, of course, ridiculously cute. He just slept in my arms for awhile. That family seems really well put-together. Maybe it comes from money. They can afford the help they need to have the time to enjoy each other? I like them a lot. They have the sort of life I imagine myself having soon. (Soon? Ha! Wow! Optimism!)

Talked to my mum on the phone last night but I only felt whinier while talking to her. That's the trouble with mums, they bring out the worst in us, the baby in us. Or maybe just in me.

I have nothing that has to be done today. Lots of things that should be done. Recipe for disaster. I wish I had less potential, you know?

the internet is my boyfriend

I did my dishes yesterday. It had been a long time coming. And I tidied a bit. It's a little more acceptable in here. Not as horrifying.

And I worked at ACC. It was alright. I worked with a friend from Skydome, so we just caught up and visited and talked a lot about her recent wedding. I want a wedding. I want a wedding with ten bridesmaids. yeah.

After work I went to SarahB's house and then we wanted to go out but we didn't know where. We biked around the whole city pretty much each veto-ing pretty much every place under consideration. We ended up at a hyper-normal pub downtown where we never go. We were joined almost immediately by two men. SarahB attracts this sort of thing. She is just up for anything. It's remarkable. I was irritated with both of them right off the bat, but they were older and monied and alright, as far as men go. And SarahB has a higher tolerance for everyone. And I wasn't in the mood for small talk.

I'm single. I'm so single right now I can't even tell you. I haven't been this single in months. Maybe years. I mean, I'm not really any more technically single than I have been lately, but I'm pretty sure there's no one who is going to call me up at 3 a.m. And I am changing mindsets. (Yes. Right.)
I've instated a new policy (which I intend to stick to, but I never stick to anything, so who knows even?) which is to not make-out with anyone I've already made out with. I am tacking this onto my other policy (which I have NEVER EVER followed but yet is such a good idea -) to not date anyone I can't NOT date.
Ha! I am an attention seeker in the worst way...
I'm pretty sure I'm attracting people who are careless with me on account of how careless I am with everyone. How I am proud about having a billion boyfriends and seeing how many more I can get.

Dana is in a fight with me that I didn't know about (but suspected on account of her avoiding me). That's annoying. If I knew what I did then I could understand the situation. But since I have no idea and she's being just as rude right now as I could have been... well. I'm too on edge to feel sad about this right now or apologetic. I'm only frustrated.

MCDA has completely fallen apart and we're pretty much ready to disband. Right, of course, when we're trying to be booked for our first show and when we have producers working on beats for us. Mmhmm.

I need counselling. I spend a lot of time being mean to people. And I'm really beyond rude and self-satisfied. Too bad I would just convince my counsellor that I was the one being wronged. I'm also manipulative.

Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas

I'm babysitting Ana this afternoon for a bit. And I get to meet the new baby, who, from what I can tell, is seriously getting called T-Rex. Very very funny. I think we'll go to the park. I could use some fresh air. I haven't seen that family in weeks, and I need a bit of kids in my life.

It's okay if I don't have any friends or boyfriends because I have cable TV.

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas...

Somehow my house has gone to shit again. I need a cleaning lady. I need to be rich and pay someone to fix my lifestyle. I've been so busy forced-relaxing and depressing that I haven't wanted to touch any mess. And sometimes I just take great pleasure in making more messes. Like when my bed in covered in too much stuff to sleep in then I just shove it all over onto the floor, then I step on all the stuff and then I feel sad when it's broken.
In way too many ways I am still seventeen.

I still like House. Team or no team. And I liked Cameron better as a brunette. I hope House chooses that lesbian from the O.C. to be on his team, she's probably still lonely that Marissa left her and then her other show about Irish gangs got cancelled. That must suck. I hope my shows never get cancelled. No, I hope they get cancelled in a My So-Called Life/Freaks and Geeks kind of way.
Whoa I just wikipediaed that girl and she's married to a prince. I would like to please be married to a prince too.
Luckily, I didn't find the second episode of Gossip Girl I watched to be as addictive. I mean, I'll still watch the show, but. It was a bit tiresome. If they weren't all to addictive to look at...
Because of cable I've been watching Sex and the City every night at 1:30. Amazing. Apparently there's still so many episodes I've never seen. Or don't remember seeing. I am so Carrie. If I did an internet quiz about which Sex and the City character I'd be,it'd be Carrie. For sure.
TV is the best for ignoring your own problems.

I did go to Nuit Blanche but it ended up being a bit of a bust. First I went to SarahB's show, which was very good and she only gets better, which is reassuring I hung out with her friends Kylah and Cindy, who are both also singer-songwriters and are nice. Then we went to SarahB's to drink more. We ended up in Trinity Bellwoods where they just wanted to sit and jam. I am good at neither sitting nor jamming. I also ran into a fresh hurt on the way there and so was feeling a little bruised. So I just went home. I saw exactly no pieces of art and I'm not bothering regretting it.
Nuit Blanche is probably best for couples. Or people who are happily single. Of which I am neither. I don't know, I'm sure in many ways I am happily single. I just can't think of any right now.

Sunday I worked the last Jays game of the season. Aw, etc. It was fun, Stacy and I just made awful comments about each other and tried to start fights between our co-workers.
Sunday night I talked to Chala forever on the phone. I thought I might be able to go to Montreal this weekend. But it turns out I really can't. Fuck. I really miss Chala. And David. And Dana has disappeared from my life, because she's insane. She said she'd call me later two days ago. Everyone is busiest and my life has calmed down.
I still have no concept of what my shifts are going to be like at ACC. It's a little frustrating. Every shift I want, I don't get, and every shift I can't work, they schedule me for. It's beyond annoying. If it weren't so easy and so well-paying I would quit. I like quitting. When it's necessary, I mean. It's the hockey home-openner tonight, so I'm looking forward to that. Might be fun. Maybe I'll turn into a hockey fan (no).

It's still hot out. That's nice, if not a little worrying. I worked alllll day at Big Chill yesterday by myself, covering Niki's shift because she got a library job. I made $30 in tips, which I wasn't expecting at all. I love unexpected money. The afternoon was so boring I thought I would pass out, but the evening was busy enough to keep me entertained.

I was considering going to pay off my library fines so that I could borrow again, but I realise I'm exactly in the state where I just wouldn't return stuff. For no good reason. So I'll leave it awhile longer, until I've grown up a bit.

Um. So... I'm ridiculously excited for Christmas. I know that maybe that's an obvious statement. But holy hell! It's on my mind all the time. Preparations have begun! I hope hope hope that this year I actually get everything done that I want to. That would amaze me. And be so excellent.