It still doesn't feel like Hallowe'en though

I totally acquired a giant bottle of vodka. And I totally drank alone last night. MUCH to my mother's disapproval.
BUT
I'm feeling better today. So maybe drinking does help. And I always wake up earlier when I go to bed drunk. I don't know why.

AAAAANNNNNDDDD I bought myself an iPod while I was drunk! Yay! A 30 gig video one. I want it to come soon! Oh god I'm so excited.
I was very jealous on account of I bought my mum an iPod for her birthday/Christmas present and it got to her yesterday and so she wasn't paying attention to me on the phone, she was only paying attention to her electronics. Bitch.

I want my iPod! And I want it to work!

(An aside: I don't capitalize the word 'Christmas' because of its God connotations, I capitalize it because Very Important to me)

And I got the most annoying text message of my life at about 2:15 yesterday morning and I threw a fit and then... REPLIED. I do not know what's wrong with me. There's something wrong. I'm an idiot. I can't believe myself sometimes.
I had said to him "please don't bother me at 2 in the morning anymore" and he said "I wasn't going to!" and he put the crazy on me: like I make up the fact that exactly every single time when I am one hundred percent over him and it's all done then he does this!
And THEN we texted for a bit and then he sort of blew me off. Holy F.
I don't even like him. As a person, I mean.
I had no interest in speaking with him at all anymore. And I thought I really wouldn't. But I am can't help but try to win. And I lost so hard. I lost as soon as I opened the phone.
He's impossible to explain his off behaviour to.
And, he'd assumed that I'd sent him a happy birthday message. Which I most certainly had not. So he is always assuming he is winning and therefore he is.

Sometimes being me is such a regrettable thing.

Tomorrow I shoot the PSA. Which is neat!
Aaand I have a voice over audition in the morning. I love voice over. I want to be a voice actor all the time.
When I have a bit of money I'm going to invest in a really great demo reel. Then I'm going to make billions of dollars for very little work.
I'd my goal to do a little boy voice at some point. Even if I have to write my own damn show to get it done.

I was just so sad yesterday. I almost started crying in the Bell store. I do hate Bell and they were busy screwing me in all holes (not in a hot way). But still.

I ran into SarahJane and she and I hung out and got coffee and talked about being sad and I felt a bit better.

I got called to go in to work tonight. Which means money!
I'm a little bit dressed up like a 60s actress, and I plan on giving myself a bit of a beehive maybe. I bought fake eyelashes and I want to wear them. And I think I'll wear it all to work. It'll look great with my sporty uniform. Mmhmm.

If I don't see Third soon, the crush is off. He hasn't been at work when I have been at all lately. Annoying.
One of the supervisors was in another episode of Final 24, she was in the Keith Moon episode and also played the GF and also got to find him dead.
I suggested we could re-enact our re-enactments in interpretive dance form. She seemed pretty interested I guess.
Everyone at work is an actor. Everyone everywhere is an actor.

Right now, as we speak, Naomi is submitting the information for me to have my very own IMDB page. Oh so hot. I'm totally going to add like one hundred pictures of myself onto it so that everyone can see what a total sexpot I am.
(I accidentally first spelt 'sexpot' as 'sextop'. Also accurate.)

I need more crushes. I need to feel hopeful about stuff. I need something to get excited about.

My hair is so hot. I wish I worked on a TV show and got my hair done every day and maybe got a tonne of extensions and it was all body and curly. Yeah.....

Not feeling sad is so much more fun than feeling sad. I'm wondering if I can keep this up.

I think Hallowe'en just passed me by somehow

I ripped my favourite pair of pants. So badly. I can't wear them anymore and I don't think they're patchable. My only pair of khakis. I'm going to need to get another pair because commercial auditions often call for khakis, weirdly enough.
My black flats are also wrecked. There's a metal piece coming out of the bottom which keeps catching on things and making me almost fall. Fun!
I want ankle boots! And black work shoes that are comfortable, warm, and sexy? Is that even possible?

I was running so late for my audition this morning that I had to take a cab which cost way too much money and I still only got there right on time, which is late really.
The TTC is frustrating. Sometimes I just need transit to run on time. I also need to learn how to be early for things.
My bike is still out of commission and I neeeeed it. But I'm unsure how to go about fixing it. I'm a baby. It's ridiculous that a bike ride is faster than a cab ride in this city. And probably double-time to the TTC.
Luckily it's cold out.

If I had an iPod I'd liking walking even better. I broke out my walkman the other day and it made a difference. Until it started eating the tape. Amazing.

My audition this morning was kind of hard because I was supposed to act all crazy. Big is hard. Funny is hard. It was still fun.
Today has just felt like one of those days.

EXCEPT that my agent called to say that I booked a public service announcement commercial. I think it's about equality and it'll be on MTV/Much. Ha, I'll become over-exposed to just that one audience.
Yay. It's still non-union, and doesn't pay great. But I'm realizing how few shifts I'm getting at ACC these days. And I need money money.

I had auditions Thursday, Friday and today. I wish I had them every day, except the days where I was shooting. That'd be so sweet though.

Thursday's dance party was good. I worked the door so I didn't dance much. Some of my friends came and I didn't really realize they'd come because of me. I was pretty tired and out of it. Funny. We just recycled the previous theme because we were too busy to make a new one.
Nathan came by and then I went with him afterwards and we got pizza and then found Shayne and got dial-a-bottle (seriously Ontario, no off-sale? really?) and hung out at Shayne's until six in the morning. Because I party all the time and that's how I roll.
I adore Nathan. He's one of my favourites for sure. We had girltalk for maybe the first time ever. I was prying into his private life and stuff. But it was nice. It seems like he's even kinder these days, more careful, more care-taking, sweet. We had a good talk about his music and made some good jokes.

I took Friday off from partying. I just slept all day really. And tried to do some work at night. But I mostly just watched TV on the internet.

Saturday I worked at Skydome and then at ACC. Double shifts are hard on me since I'm so remarkably used to never working at all. But ACC called me in and I wanted to see Third and I mostly REALLY neeeeed money (I may have mentioned). But Third wasn't even there and it wasn't very busy at all.
I have told way, way too many people that I have a crush on Third. I don't mean to. But it's boredom. And I love having crushes. But I do need to keep my damn slut mouth shut.
Mum doesn't like the word slut. JFYI.
I told people I'd tell them if they could guess. But then everyone guessed right. Dammit.

After work on Saturday I went out to Octopus with Stephanie, her BF, and Solange where SarahJane was working for Steph's birthday. It seems as though Steph and Solo are going to be players in stories, so I will give you back story. I met them on the Grand Analog video shoot. They are good friends are SarahJane's and BFFs of each other. I like both of them a lot a lot. Solo has the type of confidence I wish I had, the wild self-assurity and beauty. And Steph is classic and put-together and obviously beautiful.
After Octopus we went to Solo's house and ate left-overs from their dinner (including the best sweet potato pie I've ever ever eaten) and then I went home before I fell asleep in the arm-chair.

Yesterday I did a bit of work and cleaned up a bit. I had sushi with Devon and Naomi. I do like them both but it does get tiring talking about "the biz" and about all the stuff we should be doing. I mean, we should be doing everything. But we're not. We should be doing short films and sketches and comedy and stand-up and improv classes and theatre and putting up our own plays and entering the fringe and and and and and and
It's just frustrating after awhile.
And not too helpful to just talk and talk about it.

I wish I felt as successful as I seem.

If you had told 14-year-old me that I would have national commercials running, that I be a TV show that's airing internationally, that people would want to write roles just for me... well, I would've been in rapture, I would have been unbelievably excited, I would've fallen over I think.
I think I've lost the ability to be truly excited. Except about hilarious things.
I need to work on that.
Yes yes I'm going to work on my sense of excitement, my ability to express joy, my ability to be warm with people.

It just doesn't make any sense how sad I am today.

This is going to be a long holiday season...

TWO MONTHS TIL CHRISTMAS.

You have about one week until we are completely overwhelmed with Christmas Christmas Christmas. Get ready. AHhhh.
Already stores like Pier One and Homesense on Yonge are after my own heart. What huge gorgeous displays. And The Bay was putting up all their lights. Sigh Sigh double sigh.

I'm so paranoid all the time about being late for things. But then I'm still always late. I woke up much earlier than I had to today because I was scared I would over-sleep and miss my audition this afternoon, which is not until 3 pm. Hmm.
I'm hung-over. Again.
And I'm planning on partying for the next three nights at least. I think. Hallowe'en weekend. I have given absolutely no thought to what I should go as. Or even if I'll dress up. Maybe I'll go as "your mom got drunk and embarrassed you" again. That was a successful costume. I love smeared lipstick. And the costume only gets better as the night wears on. And you get to yell at people. I like costumes that come with a character and ways to behave.

Tonight is our S.O.S. dance party again at White Orchid. I hope there's people I don't know and babes to hit on.
I'm not working so I can't make Third come. Which is highly annoying. Maybe he asked Google about me and Google sent him here and he'll know to come to the party.
Because everyone is obsessed with me.

Hung out with SarahJane yesterday. Had lunch and discussed plans and Getting Shit Done.

Went to Grand Analog's show at Mod Club. He was opening up for Shad. It was really fun. And good. I think. I was a little drunk. A lot drunk. That's how I roll. I went through the crowd and gave S.O.S. dance party cards to all the cute boys. It took way more bravery than I thought. I chickened out a couple of times.
We went out drinking with some peeps afterwards. I might have slipped off the babe-train. But that's okay because... well. Hmm. I guess because it has to be. And because it's a non-drama situation. Yes. That's why.
I like Third best.

I have no patience.

Pusha T got the key he can unlock ya

I turned on the heater. I've been sitting and shivering for an hour. I give up. It's autumn.
I want it to snow! Especially since my bike is down. I like walking in the snow. Yesss Christmas.

My audition is by a Value Village. Trouble.

TWO MONTHS TIL MY BIRTHDAY

I'm slightly hung-over and sore in every part from too much working out yesterday. I think I'm even more out of shape than I'd feared.
I do not like working out. I do not like exercise where I notice that it is exercise. It seems pointless. I have better things to do. Like watching TV. And sleeping. I need an iPod. So badly. At least then I could get some fucking books on tape or something to listen to or something.
The Y is giving me a session with a personal trainer. Hmmm. We're going to work out a work out plan. I hope involves very little working out.
I'm going to try going to a lot of aquafit and dance classes. Those feel a lot less like work.
I want all my friends to join the gym with me, give me motivation and stuff.

I'm very angry with Rogers as it seems that I won't, in fact, get to watch MTV because that's one of the very few channels they refuse to preview for me. And it would cost an extra $25/month to see it. What? Ridiculous.
The Final 24 episode about Jim Morrison is airing in the states on Hallowe'en and then all the time after that looks like. I'm so famous. I still don't know when it'll air here.

My work crush is not in love with me. I see no other explanation as to why he wouldn't constantly seek me out and pay attention to only me and pursue me outside of work. I have no patience for crushes. I don't even like having crushes. Except for when it's exciting. Then I do for realz.
Aw, I do like him though. I do like babes. Too much.

Went to see Carolyn Mark last night with Tamara. Dakota Tavern is one of my favourite bars that I rarely go to. I always feel like I'm in a different city when I'm in there. Like maybe Nashville. Or Thunder Bay at least.
My Sloan-friend Gregory was playing in her band and invited me. I hadn't seen him since he moved here so I felt like I should go. Also, I'd heard many good things about Carolyn Mark. And she was really good and fun. But I think I liked the two openers even better. NQ Arbuckle and Rich Hope. Both were amazing and dancey and I felt like I was at a really cool hoe-down. The dad I baby-sit for was there. It's funny to be in a social situation with someone who you work for... especially if the work is being in their house and interacting properly with their most prized possessions. But I like that dad. And it was nice to see Gregory and nice to have Tam there to dance with.

Dreamt last night that I was pregnant, almost at full-term, with my friend's BF's baby. Hmm. I realized I had been spending so much money on beer and eating out that there was no way I was going to be able to afford a crib. No worries, I thought, I am all alone anyhow, she can just sleep in my bed. Also, it was going to be a little black baby girl and I thought there's no way I'm going to know how to do her hair. Also, I was refusing to move back to Saskatoon so I was constantly on the phone to my mother who was my long-distance lamaze partner.

I think I'm overly-lonely.

TWO MONTHS AND ONE DAY UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY

For a few minutes there this morning, it was feeling like everything was going to irritate me to the point of distraction today. But I seem to have calmed down.

I was awoken by an overly-long phone call from Rogers. Rogers is obsessed with me and my services from them. They are obsessed with offering me free things in order to prove how excited they are to have me as a customer. Today they offered me all the specialty channels for free for one month. The trick is I have to remember to cancel them before the month is up otherwise I'll be charged $45 on top of my other fees. Ew. I'll remember though.
BUT.
You know what this means?
This means I'm going to see my MTV commercial!!!!! On TV!!! And I'm going to tape it. Is that dorky? Yesssss yes.
I will no longer be the only person I've ever met that hasn't seen it (who knew that so many people had MTV).
Hurrah!
I hope I also get to see Cock'd Gunns and other ones that exist only on channels that are too rich for my blood. Ohhh Movie Network...

I went to pick up the pictures of AlexPB. Overall I am not impressed with myself on this shoot. I wish that we'd done another roll. I wish I knew how to a) focus a camera and b) trust my light meter. But some of them are quite beautiful, I think.


This one is well-photoshopped by the developing guy. It looks strange but I sort of like it.


I like the hair. I don't know if it's usable because of that... but I think it's neat.





Yesterday when I went to get on my bike I discovered that my back tire is so flat that it's loose. Wow. I depend on that bike. So much.
But luckily I didn't have anywhere where I HAD to be. So I spent hours just walking around the city. Walking really slows everything down. In a bad way, but also I notice everything so much more. It's just easier to pay attention.

I went to the Y to make an appointment to renew my membership. Which is today. !!! I'm going to be fit! (We'll see...) I have to run in the short that Adam's making with me and lord knows I am not a runner. I have never ever ever liked running. I'm going to try and be at least a bit better at it by the time we shoot in a few weeks.

I Christmas shopped a bit. But mostly I shopped for me. Because that's what I do when I realize I don't have a proper job and will probably run out of money very very quickly.
I bought two new bras. They were on sale at Jacob. I am a weird size and Jacob's sizes are weird. But they're nice. And I haven't bought a new bra in too long.
And I bought my perfume, which I've been out of for a couple of weeks. Good goddamn I love that perfume. I've loved it since 2k1 and I think I like it more now. Once again, if only there were a man I felt that way about.

Bothered my mum on the phone for too long last night. Sometimes I just get a little bit lonely living here.
I was trying to work on my TV show and it just wasn't working out. I did write a few ideas down. But that was about it. Then I had a beer and watched more TV. And read my book.

Work tonight.
But working out first, which I'm even mildly excited for. Must be the coffee. I'm going to go on the rowing machine!

maybe if I went Christmas shopping I'd feel better

I'm a good updater because I'm avoiding all the other kinds of writing. So badly. I hate writing.

Yesterday in one spot I wrote "me" instead of "him". Is that a Freudian slip? If you notice where it is, I will give you a prize. The prize will be my cock.

AlexPB is ridiculously good-looking. But really. But the kind that you don't notice at first. The kind of beauty that you have to stop her and really look and you realize that she's gorgeous. She's funny and wonderfully awkward. We wandered around Cabbagetown, where it felt more like autumn than it has in any other part of the city. It's such an old part of town with so many trees that you have to wade through the fallen leaves at the sides of the roads. One of my favourite things to wade through. We found many neat walls and doors and colours to shoot in front of. I'm a little bit worried about light though. Hmm. We'll see. I wish I had a digital camera to at least do test shots with. And I need to get a light-weight tripod asap.
AlexPB's apartment is wonderful as well. It's the sort of apartment I might consider moving out of my apartment for. If I were richer and if it were in my neighbourhood (Almost four years and I think I love my neighbourhood more than ever. If only I could hold a relationship like that...). Her apartment is a perfect tiny white one-bedroom with big windows and straight walls, which are much better for space usage than my sloped ones. I do love my sloped ones... but they do make everything seem smaller.

I'm thinking about biting the big one and buying some actual furniture to go in here. A new futon instead of my curb-mattress and the unsteady platform I built, maybe. And some proper shelves and a wardrobe I could cover. Right now the rail of clothing is pretty much the focal point of the whole place.

These days are filled with tiny breakdowns but then I turn on the TV and America's Funniest Home Videos won't let me be sad.
I pictured where Third would live and what he probably listens to do and how he lives his life and I couldn't imagine it being good.
I don't know.
I'm reminded of when I dated that business man when I was, what, eighteen or so. I just push things. Oh, it's possible for you to have a crush on me? Let's see how much I can get away with.
The business man had the emptiest biggest house I've ever experienced. His closet had a few suits and not much else. He was fascinated with me, and it seemed like that could be enough.
Hmm. But he was an idiot. A big, big idiot. And Third is obviously not.
But I am not convinced that I actually have a crush on Third. Just the way I'm sort of panicked about it is not a good sign. I am needing distractions and I am incapable of just stopping with babes.
I had dreams last night of trying to orchestrate situations in which I would feel okay about making out with people I wasn't completely interested in.
Yeah. They weren't even sexy dreams. I'm boring.

I have to look for another job today. I have virtually no shifts at ACC this week.
I should use this opportunity to Get Things Done.
I will.

raw-hearted, hopeful, here and there yes

I keep forgetting that I'm not getting on the babe-train. There's just people I'd like to board. If I'm not being too subtle.

I get very very very worked up about things. No surprise to anyone. It's fun? I don't know.

My heart is a bit raw and I'm trying to find things to salve it, which is not productive and then I'm not sure if anything is valid..
yes, yes, we know that already.

Work was good. We weren't tooo busy and we made money. And I made new best friends with my supervisor, who was a girl for once! We'll call her S (because I love Gossip Girl and they refer to each other by their initials). She is also a Capricorn and likes to talk about babes. We rated babes and discussed how it was possible for babes to be toooo good-looking. I told her all my gossip and we looked forward to the next time, when we could go over our summer adventures together.
I am not a whole-hearted believer in astrology. But. Sometimes it seems uncannily accurate. For instance, I'm done with Libras. I know how it'll go. Except I'm not done with them because they are good at convincing me that we'll be in a relationship forever, etc.
I'm nervous of Capricorns. They are intense and I relate and feel nervous of myself, even. Mairin and Maria and SarahR from highschool, especially. I'm convinced that all of those girls are smarter and cleverer than me. For sure. And I'm pretty smart and clever.
If I had to guess what Third's sign is, I would say Libra (ha), Capricorn, Virgo, or Leo? Fine I have no idea.

Speaking of third, his stand was across from mine so it was easy for him to come and bother me. He came over to say sorry for not coming to my dance night but I said WHATEVER. He whinged about not having anyone to go with. I said WHATEVER. Then later I said "___went by HIMSELF" and he said "____ lives two blocks away from there" and I said "WHATEVER". He was hanging around my stand talking to my partner and I heard him say "I must have a sense of humour. I have a handlebar moustache. On my FACE." and I said "I like your moustache!" (I didn't want him to shave it off! although he could shave that stupid "soul-patch" bit because all soul-patches are STUPID and ugly) and he came over and got in my space
Third: Well, you know if Meredith gives you a compliment, it must be true
me: I'm nice!
Third: I know but you never give compliments!
me: I have issues with giving compliments!
Third: Me too. Yeah, I'd rather just kiss than give compliments
I avoided answering that. That terrified/excited me. I push things and also get nervous. Nervous, especially, that I'll turn and not like me as soon as he admits his love. But then he didn't pursue me much after that. Huh. I left all furious that he isn't trying to see me or get attention from me, etc.
Obviously, that only deepened my affections.
I'm fucked!

I'm trying to hit on one of my actual bosses because I don't much like him and he's always looking for what I'm doing wrong and I will look forward to seeing him if I have a game going on with him. (fucked) But, luckily, he's been seeing me all over the TV, so it looks like my TV appearances have been hitting on him for me. NICE.

After work I went for beer with SC. I adore SC. He amuses me to no end. Well, some ends I guess. He's into beer appreciation and so we try different beers together. Now I definitely know what hops are about. And I had a really nice one that tasted a lot like candy. Yeah. Beer + Candy = dreamy. We also got food there and it was really good. I love eating out. I made SC have girltalk with me. Which was pretty long overdue I would say. It gave me more faith in him as a person and maybe he does have a few feelings. Even if they are tucked away and more related to physical appearances than proper characteristics.
Actually, the way he thinks of relationships, romanticizes past relationships, and especially the way he stalks people, is not dissimilar to the way I go about things.
Actually, he might even be better at stalking people than me. And I think he looses interest in people who like him as well.
I really think he's funny. And I miss David a lot, so I'm trying to replace him with SC. Which is not an easy swap-out. But still fun.
SC took me out of his FIVE (5 people he has unlimited talk/text with). I am not getting over that one anytime soon. I'm madly disappointed. His has no commitment to our friendship. Except reading my online diary.

On my way home at about 1 am, I ran into my work BFF, Layla. She's a wonderful, hilarious Persian Princess who wants me to read about Why Men Love Bitches. She's a real estate agent by day and only dates rich men and is totally not the kind of person I'd be friends with if I didn't serve beer with her. We get along surprisingly well though and have a tonne of girltalk. She was walking home and so I walked her back since I had my bike with me. Then she bought me a pomegranate and invited me to see her new condo. So I went and hung out with her and her sister there and had more girltalk.

It was kind of a neat night.

Today I have to get going. I'm on my way to do headshots for AlexPB. She is amazingly good-looking, so it should be good. And she has lovely (natural) red hair and green eyes and pale pale skin. She is very lucky. I haven't seen her for awhile and so that should be a good catch-up too. And it looks GORGEOUS out. Seriously. 25 above or something? What? I'm going to wear a sundress.

I'm not sure why that last sip of green tasted like smoked ham.

babe-train

I always have a headache.

I love my hair today. If I had curly (or even wavy) hair, my life would be complete. Probably.

Rehearsal today for Teawater Tea, the movie my friend Adam is writing/directing that MorganRT and I are in. We started it out with brunch at Aunties. If all rehearsals started out with brunch then I would so be into acting and stuff.

Adam stayed around after MRT left and we hung out and chatted and talked about ladies who were both funny and sexy. One of my favourite subjects. I think this film is going to be interesting. And also really really hard. Which is nice.

We did end up getting everything done for our dance night, SarahJane and I. And it looked good. But then no one came. These nights take a long time to get off the ground, which is rather annoying. But a lot of people that I know came and were supportive and it was nice of them to stick around even though it wasn't the biggest party ever. It's nice to have the dancefloor to yourself though. Me and Sophia especially were dancing like crazy people. Incorporating props and everything. Yeah.

One of my supervisors from work came. But not the one I have the crush on. Well, I guess I have a slight crush on this one too (who don't I have a crush on? no. really.) I thought it was nice of him to come, and brave to come even though he didn't have anyone to drag with him. Braver than I would be, I think. I wish I liked him more. Or wasn't committed to this other crush. Oh, yeah... I'm also supposed to be off the babe-train.
A couple of my relationships have started with people coming to things that I've invited them to. On their own. JM came to that shaker I had out in the country all on his own. And Nick came to a show I was going to all on his own. He told me later that Owen and Tyler had been supposed to come but had weinered out and he had came very close to not going as well. I'm glad he did.
Actually, I saw him and Tyler this morning at Aunties. I'm always happy to see them. Though (maybe on account of them being actors, which is weird since I consider myself to be more honest than most people) I'm not sure whether they actually like me or whether they are just being polite.

The crushing supervisor (that's a good expression) is going to be referred to here as Third. Because of how he is the Third babe with that name. He made like he was going to come to my dance night but then he didn't. Even though he is in love with me and spends a lot of time at my stand visiting me, even when he's not working with me at all. I'm mystified. He's probably just not as brave as the other supervisor is.
I've started using people's names in order to remember them and I'm also trying to relate to people better and be involved and polite. This comes off as flirting. So hard.
Weird.

I had an actual LOL conversation with SC on MSN last night that involved him talking about how he'd rather babes wanted to bone than not bone, even if he wasn't interested in boning them. He is doing very little to convince me that he has feelings. At all.

Nathan and I had an awesome/hilarious/awkward phone conversation last night. We obviously want to hang out but it's weird because we don't really hang out on our own.. but we also don't have common friends. I don't know why it was so awkward but we pointed that out and it made it awesome.
We should hang out. Nathan is one of my favourites.

Work tonight. Then who knows... I need a second job. Though it's been nice to have time to do creative stuffs when I feel like it.
I hope I get lots of new crushes tonight and yet still manage to stay off the babe-train.

too much mug

OMG
My mum is very devoted to me and she found this clip:

http://www.biography.com/broadband/main.do?video=Final24-JimMorrison

It is from the TV show I did where I play Jim Morrison's girlfriend. It is the first footage I've seen of it. I love how even the first three minutes of this show has too much of me in my underpants. But it looks good. And I'm excited! Oh god I really want to see the whole episode. It looks like it's going to be playing a lot on Biography, Discovery, the E! network, and on Global. Weird.
You have no idea how famous I'm feeling these days. But in a fun way, not in a Lindsay Lohan way. But it's neat having everyone see me on TV all the time. I still have not seen the MTV commercial and I'm dying to. It's getting to me.

It's weird how I'm not working or even auditioning at all right now and yet it seems to people like things are taking off for me because of how my mug is everywhere.
Another neat thing: Our rap video:

Grand Analog - Touch Your Toes

is in Much Vibe's top ten right now. Which is pretty exciting. Especially for SarahJane since she put such ridiculous amounts of effort into it.

Had a weird moment yesterday where I ran into my downstairs neighbour while doing laundry and he asked me how Bruce was. I thought he'd for sure somehow found out about Buster Bruce from the internet and was stalking me. Then I realized that I had told him I was working the Bruce Springsteen concert the other night. Ai. Paranoid.

Speaking of Brucie, there are only three plausible scenarios for my poor sleep last night:
a) Brucie is back and was running around my kitchen and also possibly on my bed and yet left no trace of himself around the apartment
b) I was having nightmares
c) this place is haunted (I'm actually leaning towards that possibility)

Worked for a few hours last night and also had brunch this morning with SarahJane to work on this dance party night that is tomorrow. It's looking good. We still have way too much work to do and I'm not really feeling it. Hmm. I'll get into it after work tonight hopefully.
Yay money.

I have have have to remember to submit my availability for ACC next month. Too much going on and it's frustrating how ten don't post anything far enough in advance to plan my life around. Double ug. I need a life planner. And I need to set office hours and Get Shit Done. SarahJane's been a pretty good influence on that lately.

Keep it keep keep it up.

Grand Analog - Touch Your Toes

did I post this yet?

I am built for autumn

I've fallen in love with my apartment all over again. All it took was taking the AC unit out of the back window and pulling down the heavy fabric covering that up (to keep the hot sunlight out). I forgot just how much I love the view out my back window. I remember being sad to have to put the air conditioner in in the springtime, but I forgot about just standing around in the kitchen looking out. It's really nice. And now it's so bright in here.

Lovely.

Oh yeah, I had a new pet there briefly. A mouse named Buster Bruce, fondly referred to more often as Brucie (Loosey Brucie, Brisket, Butter Ball, etc). He was really really really really really cute and he peered at me from the window sill and the sun shone through his tiny ears. Oh, and he shat all over the counter.
He also terrifies me a little bit and I'm sure he's going to climb into my mouth while I'm sleeping. But I think I got him to leave. I pulled the AC unit out while he was underneath it and he ran outside. Then I closed the window then I covered up the hole in the wall in the cupboards. Except I have little doubt he'll get back in somehow. Stupid Brucie.

I need a kitten.

I have a new work crush. He is a supervisor. I only like supervisors. I like it when I can charm management and then not have to worry about lame stuff like being a good worker (jk. god). It's one of those crushes where I already know that once I've charmed him and got him really interested and pushed it as far as I can then I will turn on him and hate him. I'm a terrible person. Except maybe he has a gf anyhow and then I will turn it into how much I love him and how sad I am that we can never be together. Someone punch my face. Please.
To make my life (and story-telling) more complex, he has the same name as two other babes I've been in love with periodically. Annoying.
He's quite funny and sweet though and he got me a delicious panini and helped us to win the decorating our stand contest. And it is very nice to have a reason to go into work.
Mum says crushes got her through university. But she did drop out about 100 times. I don't think she's as devoted to babes as I am.
After work on Saturday I went to the ACC staff party. I got drunk too quickly and then told too many people about my work crush. Wow that's silly. Whatevers, the crush keeps pointing out how I'm in love with him, so it's not really a big secret. He has a really really funny handlebar moustache. And funny sideburns. And a funny haircut.

It's silly that only after Chala has left I would wiener my way into her group of friends.
Ever since the rap video shoot I've been seeing more of SarahJane and her crew. What seems to be the core of the group is an odd mix and I really like them all. They are all care-takers and would do anything for anyone (with boundaries, of course).
I had brunch with them all on Sunday because it was Sandra's last night in town before going back to Mexico where she is opening her own bakery and cafe (how dreamy). SarahJane cooked for us all at Steph's condo and we talked dirtier than I have in quite awhile (and I talk dirty a lot), I laughed-to-crying at least twice. That's a sign of a successful social gathering.

Now I am, apparently, helping SarahJane organise her dance party Thursday nights. I'm excited. I like art and dance parties and music. We're meeting to come up with more arty influences/props for this Thursday. Funsie.
I'm coming up with other themes and installations we could do...

Had the first rehearsal for the short film that I'm doing for my friend Adam. Me and MorganRT had to do an awkward scene for quite awhile. It was fun. Sort of. I like Morgan less than I used to, so it's less fun than it could be. I like Adam. And I like the script.

I need to get a second job. But I don't want to. I'm working about four days a week right now for only about 3 to 4 hours a shift. Wow. Once I put that down I realized how silly I am. I work only about 15 hours a week. That's awesome. No damn wonder why I wouldn't want a second job.

Okay. I seriously need to go do laundry. It's been too long. There's a lot of clothes that I miss wearing. Okay. Yes. Motivation. Yes.

happy pies-giving

I don't know how days slip by without updates. I swear I updated more recently.

I'm having pie for breakfast. Right now I'm having vegetable pot pie and then I'm going to follow it up with apple pie. Yes. Happy Thanksgiving to me.

I normally am not enthused with Thanksgiving. At all. But I got really sad on Sunday when I realised that I didn't have any dinner to go to or any family to give thanks with. So I decided to have a last minute dinner at my house on Monday.
Niki and Miranda and Owen and Jack came over. I (with Niki's help) made the pies and a giant salad (with roast corn and cabbage and beans and lots and lots of other veges). I liked it a lot. Which is the only thing that matters really. It was a nice and quick meal. Just a lot of eating and then we went and sat in the park for awhile. And then everyone went home.

It should not have been 39 degrees yesterday. Especially since I had the bloody oven on all damn day. I had the airconditioning on and we were all still sweating at dinner. So bizarre. It's October. It looks better today. Only about 15 degrees. But I wish it wouldn't rain since I have to go ride my bike.

I have an audition this morning in which I have to rap. I do not know what is wrong with me. I don't know why I would've submitted myself for this, which I did. I must have been drunk. Anyway. I have to rap. To Everyday People. That is not an easy song to rap. I hope they let me do my own thing, I'll totally give them a taste of Dance Attack.

Worked a bit this weekend. At Skydome and at ACC. I'm getting used to getting shifts at ACC, and I hope that I keep getting them... I still need another couple jobs probably. But ACC is a good base. It would be wonderful if they would tell me when I'm working more than four days in advance. Especially when they want me to keep all the dates open.

I went out with SarahB on Saturday. We ended up at Teatro to visit SarahJane and to get babes. And we met two of the prettiest babes we'd seen in awhile. We chatted them up and then went with them to play the baby grand piano at the one babe's house. SarahB may have gotten a new boyfriend out of it. Time will tell. I'm jealous, of course.
We ran into Dana and Leslie on our way to the babe's house and stopped to see them. I never see Leslie anymore. It was odd to see Dana since we're in a fight still. But we ignored it. I tried to be very polite to her friends. Don't want to be seen as rude.

I do like Patrick Watson. Some of his music sounds like ghost stories and also like Christmastime.

The Big Chill is now closed for the season. I've got the melting ice cream remains in my (under-active) freezer to prove it.

My MTV commercial is on the air. I know because a lot of people have seen it and on Facebook I'm being contacted by people I haven't thought about in years. I want to see it. So badly. I had a dream in which they had found all this footage of me as an ugly teenager (which I never ever was, JFYI) and used that instead of the cute footage we shot.
I hope that happened.

laundry, dishes, bill-paying, organizing, doctor-finding..

I'm going through hummus like it's water. Or like beer, in my house. I love it.
I haven't had any yet today. Once I get started...
I did, however, have a chocolate bar and a huge bowl of apple crisp. The apple crisp is made with red river cereal as well as oats, so it has flax so it must be healthy.

Despite the fact that I was woken this morning (afternoon) by a call from my agent with an audition, I did not want to get out of bed. It makes sense considering I am always completely wide awake at three a.m. But even with good news, I'd rather be sleeping.
I did get up though. And ate chocolate and watched the Tyra show (best show ever) and knit. Tyra was talking about how hot geeks are. Yes.
I finished a scarf, that I have no recollection of starting (maybe back in January?), last night. It's not very nice. I wonder if I'll wear it. Probably just to prove that it was worthwhile. I have my mother's dictionary of needlecraft that I took from her dad's house. It's been remarkably helpful. I'm going to teach myself how to crochet too, maybe. Might as well be useful while I watch hours and hours and hours of TV.

I did babysit yesterday. It was kind of nice. I picked Ana up from school and we went to the library and read a bunch of books and played with the one toy there. Libraries should have more toys. Then we went and bought grapes and snow peas and went and ate them in the park. We played on the swings (I haven't swung on my belly or upside down in far too long) and on the merry-go-round (which is Ana's favourite but it also terrifies her). We played princesses and had magic leaves to grant us all of our wishes.
I brought her home and got to meet the tiny dinosaur baby who was, of course, ridiculously cute. He just slept in my arms for awhile. That family seems really well put-together. Maybe it comes from money. They can afford the help they need to have the time to enjoy each other? I like them a lot. They have the sort of life I imagine myself having soon. (Soon? Ha! Wow! Optimism!)

Talked to my mum on the phone last night but I only felt whinier while talking to her. That's the trouble with mums, they bring out the worst in us, the baby in us. Or maybe just in me.

I have nothing that has to be done today. Lots of things that should be done. Recipe for disaster. I wish I had less potential, you know?

the internet is my boyfriend

I did my dishes yesterday. It had been a long time coming. And I tidied a bit. It's a little more acceptable in here. Not as horrifying.

And I worked at ACC. It was alright. I worked with a friend from Skydome, so we just caught up and visited and talked a lot about her recent wedding. I want a wedding. I want a wedding with ten bridesmaids. yeah.

After work I went to SarahB's house and then we wanted to go out but we didn't know where. We biked around the whole city pretty much each veto-ing pretty much every place under consideration. We ended up at a hyper-normal pub downtown where we never go. We were joined almost immediately by two men. SarahB attracts this sort of thing. She is just up for anything. It's remarkable. I was irritated with both of them right off the bat, but they were older and monied and alright, as far as men go. And SarahB has a higher tolerance for everyone. And I wasn't in the mood for small talk.

I'm single. I'm so single right now I can't even tell you. I haven't been this single in months. Maybe years. I mean, I'm not really any more technically single than I have been lately, but I'm pretty sure there's no one who is going to call me up at 3 a.m. And I am changing mindsets. (Yes. Right.)
I've instated a new policy (which I intend to stick to, but I never stick to anything, so who knows even?) which is to not make-out with anyone I've already made out with. I am tacking this onto my other policy (which I have NEVER EVER followed but yet is such a good idea -) to not date anyone I can't NOT date.
Ha! I am an attention seeker in the worst way...
I'm pretty sure I'm attracting people who are careless with me on account of how careless I am with everyone. How I am proud about having a billion boyfriends and seeing how many more I can get.

Dana is in a fight with me that I didn't know about (but suspected on account of her avoiding me). That's annoying. If I knew what I did then I could understand the situation. But since I have no idea and she's being just as rude right now as I could have been... well. I'm too on edge to feel sad about this right now or apologetic. I'm only frustrated.

MCDA has completely fallen apart and we're pretty much ready to disband. Right, of course, when we're trying to be booked for our first show and when we have producers working on beats for us. Mmhmm.

I need counselling. I spend a lot of time being mean to people. And I'm really beyond rude and self-satisfied. Too bad I would just convince my counsellor that I was the one being wronged. I'm also manipulative.

Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas

I'm babysitting Ana this afternoon for a bit. And I get to meet the new baby, who, from what I can tell, is seriously getting called T-Rex. Very very funny. I think we'll go to the park. I could use some fresh air. I haven't seen that family in weeks, and I need a bit of kids in my life.

It's okay if I don't have any friends or boyfriends because I have cable TV.

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas...

Somehow my house has gone to shit again. I need a cleaning lady. I need to be rich and pay someone to fix my lifestyle. I've been so busy forced-relaxing and depressing that I haven't wanted to touch any mess. And sometimes I just take great pleasure in making more messes. Like when my bed in covered in too much stuff to sleep in then I just shove it all over onto the floor, then I step on all the stuff and then I feel sad when it's broken.
In way too many ways I am still seventeen.

I still like House. Team or no team. And I liked Cameron better as a brunette. I hope House chooses that lesbian from the O.C. to be on his team, she's probably still lonely that Marissa left her and then her other show about Irish gangs got cancelled. That must suck. I hope my shows never get cancelled. No, I hope they get cancelled in a My So-Called Life/Freaks and Geeks kind of way.
Whoa I just wikipediaed that girl and she's married to a prince. I would like to please be married to a prince too.
Luckily, I didn't find the second episode of Gossip Girl I watched to be as addictive. I mean, I'll still watch the show, but. It was a bit tiresome. If they weren't all to addictive to look at...
Because of cable I've been watching Sex and the City every night at 1:30. Amazing. Apparently there's still so many episodes I've never seen. Or don't remember seeing. I am so Carrie. If I did an internet quiz about which Sex and the City character I'd be,it'd be Carrie. For sure.
TV is the best for ignoring your own problems.

I did go to Nuit Blanche but it ended up being a bit of a bust. First I went to SarahB's show, which was very good and she only gets better, which is reassuring I hung out with her friends Kylah and Cindy, who are both also singer-songwriters and are nice. Then we went to SarahB's to drink more. We ended up in Trinity Bellwoods where they just wanted to sit and jam. I am good at neither sitting nor jamming. I also ran into a fresh hurt on the way there and so was feeling a little bruised. So I just went home. I saw exactly no pieces of art and I'm not bothering regretting it.
Nuit Blanche is probably best for couples. Or people who are happily single. Of which I am neither. I don't know, I'm sure in many ways I am happily single. I just can't think of any right now.

Sunday I worked the last Jays game of the season. Aw, etc. It was fun, Stacy and I just made awful comments about each other and tried to start fights between our co-workers.
Sunday night I talked to Chala forever on the phone. I thought I might be able to go to Montreal this weekend. But it turns out I really can't. Fuck. I really miss Chala. And David. And Dana has disappeared from my life, because she's insane. She said she'd call me later two days ago. Everyone is busiest and my life has calmed down.
I still have no concept of what my shifts are going to be like at ACC. It's a little frustrating. Every shift I want, I don't get, and every shift I can't work, they schedule me for. It's beyond annoying. If it weren't so easy and so well-paying I would quit. I like quitting. When it's necessary, I mean. It's the hockey home-openner tonight, so I'm looking forward to that. Might be fun. Maybe I'll turn into a hockey fan (no).

It's still hot out. That's nice, if not a little worrying. I worked alllll day at Big Chill yesterday by myself, covering Niki's shift because she got a library job. I made $30 in tips, which I wasn't expecting at all. I love unexpected money. The afternoon was so boring I thought I would pass out, but the evening was busy enough to keep me entertained.

I was considering going to pay off my library fines so that I could borrow again, but I realise I'm exactly in the state where I just wouldn't return stuff. For no good reason. So I'll leave it awhile longer, until I've grown up a bit.

Um. So... I'm ridiculously excited for Christmas. I know that maybe that's an obvious statement. But holy hell! It's on my mind all the time. Preparations have begun! I hope hope hope that this year I actually get everything done that I want to. That would amaze me. And be so excellent.