Four months til Christmas!

I always manage to forget how much I hate having parties until the actual party arrives. Then I just can't take it. Then I flip out for a bit then it ends up fun. Usually.

I had my zine launch Thursday night. The fifth issue of it! I'm surprised I've stuck with it so long. While I was in a temper then I was going on at people about how there was no purpose to the zine and how I was basically just trying to jerk off on peoples' faces.
So true.

I'm pretty surprised I got the thing done. It wasn't looking good for a bit there. But I even like parts of it. I've already edited some of the pieces since printing it off, so some of it is already irritating. At least there are some neat photos.

Some people came, not many, but some. I expected no one to show up, so I was relieved. There were some awkward moments though. And I was seriously in a temper.

Dana and Owen were the real troopers. Being there right from beginning to end. Dana even helped me make food. I made an apple pie. I was not in the mood for baking and I'm surprised that it turned out edible at all. But it went quickly, so it must have been alright. Miranda and I got ice cream from Big Chill to eat with it too. Even better.
People got into my collection of wooden flutes. That was a bad scene. It was the worst racket I've heard. At one point the whole room joined in for singing a rousing chorus of My Heart Will Go On.
You know you've been drinking too much when singing Celine Dion seems fun. I tried to make Jo sing opera but she said it would wake all the neighbours. Soon though. I really want to hear her really sing.
Miranda thought Andrew was the funniest person ever. Everything he said she basically doubled over. It's neat when friends like friends.
I got really really tired a ways into the party but I refused to let people go home. I did keep secretly trying to go to sleep though. Luckily I just kept drinking and soon I got my second wind. After Sophia got there she rallied our troops and we went out. Dana put cherry tomatoes in her bra so it looked like she had the biggest nipples ever and she tied her shirt up and painted a fake tattoo on her belly. We all put on sparkles and I wore my black party mini-dress and my cowboy boots. Sophia put on one of my frilly pink night shirts over her regular outfit. We all looked hot. So we took the party to Teatro to visit Chala and Sarah. Tokio and Steph from the rap video were both there as well, BMX girl biker gang reunion! Nathan and Dan came and joined us and even SJ showed up eventually. It was amazing that we were partying at a weirdly fancy bar with virtually only 9-to-5ers. Especially looking the way we did.

I have bruises all over. So I must have had fun.

Melissa showed up at my house randomly Thursday afternoon. I was hanging out with Chala (the first time we've bonded since she's been back from fringe-touring) and the doorbell rang. I refuse to answer the doorbell but I looked down and a tiny Filipino woman with an umbrella to shield the sun was waving up at me, so I went to see what she wanted. It turned out, of course, to be Melissa's mum walking her over here. They're so ridiculously cute.
Melissa is engaged to be married. Whoa. Before she met Todd she was almost worse than me with babes. Just impossible to tie down and it seemed like she didn't know what she was looking for. After she dated Clint for years, I mean. I'm happy for her. Todd seems pretty good. Also slightly insane. And we know how attractive that can be. I'm going to go visit her in New York. I pretty much have to. It's ridiculous not to. I want to save up so that I can go see some Broadway shows. Oh god I think I'd love that. Maybe Chala and would go down there together.
I don't want Chala to move away. At all.

Apparently I got a perfect or near-perfect score on my mystery shop at Skydome. I didn't ever hear about it though, Carla just happened to mention it because it's her job to put all that info into the computer and stuff. I love how I got a letter in my file for not suggestive selling peanuts, but no one bothers to tell me when I do a great job.

It hasn't hit me yet that I'm going home. I've booked my flights and everything. Weird. On Monday even. That's the day after tomorrow. That's so soon.
It better still be nice enough to go to the lake.

Last night I had re-training at ACC which was fine. I've pretty much already lost that job just on attendance stuff. Whatevers. I have ten jobs. They gave us pizza and donuts and stuff and we watched videos and I did sudoku and didn't pay attention. Mmmhmm.

Then I went to a party at Miranda's boyfriend Dustin's house. I knew a couple of people and made some new friends and drank so I didn't even feel awkward. I talked about MCDA for way too long. But it is basically the best party chatter ever because everyone gets so into it - coming up with more ideas and fun things we could do. It stopped raining in time for us to go swimming. I love swimming! Miranda and I convinced everyone to come with us. The pool even had a heater. Dustin's parents are rich. Inside their bedroom they have a dressing room. I want to have a dressing room. I need one, even.

I slept over there because it was too North to get home easily. I slept in the basement by myself and it was very nice. Very dark and quiet. It reminded me of sleeping over at Melissa Klassen's house when I was little.
In the morning we cleaned up a bit and had coffee in the back yard. Then we went for brunch at Victory.

Tonight I'm working at Big Chill apparently. For a little bit.
I have so much to get done for going home that it's ridiculous. But I probably won't do most of it.
Tomorrow I have to attend some auditions for the movie I'm doing with my friend Adam, then I have the last night of my play. And we're partying after that... so yeah. Wow I have no idea when I'm getting stuff done. Huh.

almost almost almost home time

I don't even know how people lead busy lives. I think I would collapse if I tried to keep up this pace for much longer.

I'm still feeling good though. And bouts of craziness make me feel productive at least.

The play goes up tomorrow! And I almost know my lines. Rehearsals have been great. I'm beginning to see why Norman is such a good director. Virtually everything that he suggests I do I think, I should have thought of that. Even though I was exhausted last night it was still so worthwhile. It's wild how even just rehearsing in his living room I feel like a real actor again.
I hope there's a point in my life (soon soon soon) where I get to do big theatre. That would be pretty fantastic.

Saturday I worked at Skydome and it was busy but not crazy and I made good cash. Then I baby-sat Ana. She was in hysterics when I got there but her mum managed to calm her down and then she was very nice for the rest of the evening. We read a bunch of Robert Munch stories. I forgot how fun they can be to read aloud. Then I ate a bunch of their cookies and watched bad TV. Nice.

Yesterday I Skydomed again. In the bar by myself. It was just busy enough to keep me entertained. Afterwards I helped set up for our staff party even though I was off the clock. How's that for great employeeship?
The staff party was nice. A huge buffet (including veg pasta and burgers!) that I ate too much of, free tickets to a Jays game (I'm going to see if I can go... I think I might like that), treat bags, and prizes. I won a gift certificate for Best Buy. I've never been in a Best Buy but since I've been auditioning for them a lot late, I feel like it's a sign. Or a consolation prize. Sorry you didn't get our commercial which pays mad money, the universe has provided you with this wonderful gift certificate instead!
I like winning prizes. I did a winner's dance and ran to get it. Obnoxious.

After that was rehearsal at Norman's. The piece gets more absurd and funny. I love it. Aaron and Norman are both so inherently nice and easy to hang out with. We decided to push today's rehearsal back to after work tonight so then we all went out. We went and met up with Sophia and her crew and ChrisClif at Sneaky Dee's and drank beer. Beer is the best for when I'm tired and worn out. Everything is fun again with beer. Afterwards I went and hung out with J Adam. I haven't spent time with him in months and months. I felt bad because I had cancelled our lunch dates. As much as he actually drives me nuts, I also care about him. Weird combination. Makes for interesting interactions.

Today I am stressed with things I need to do. But instead of doing them I'm writing in my diary and eating cookies. I badly badly need to laundry. Okay. Maybe I'll do that. I can learn my lines at the same time. Multi-tasking and other mad party skills.

and the highs are high

Hmm. Apparently I'm going to launch the 5th issue of my zine next week. I guess I should write that? I am so overwhelmingly busy. In the best way.
I hope I have time to bake pies for the party!

Yesterday I had not one but TWO recall auditions for commercials. Whoa. My agent is so proud of me. I love that. My mum is also proud of me. Or at least she says she is when I yell "Are you proud of me or what?"
And what's even better is that I've been having fun. Something has shifted and now I am allowing myself to be myself in auditions. I've been bringing in tiny props (like too many pens in my pocket for the Best Buy audition) which I think are funny and making inappropriate jokes. I'm confident in a way I haven't been before, except maybe in high school drama.
I'm shortlisted for one of the commercials. It seems like I look too young for either of these parts, but hey - you get paid $50 for each (union) recall. So maybe I could just make my living by getting recalled?

I'm in rehearsals for the tiny piece that Norman wrote for me to perform next week. We're part of the pre-show for 36 Little Plays About Hopeless Girls. I think the whole event is going to be really fun. And it'll be the first time I'm onstage in Toronto. Wild. 3.5 years here, it's about time. And even rehearsing is feeling pretty great. Especially because I get to act like a panda!

I'm also working like a fiend, trying to pay for my trip home in less than two weeks (!!!!!). I'm mostly just excited to see my mumma. And the rest of my fam. And some friends... but I want to spend a lot of time doing nothing in Saskatoon.
Today I'm at Skydome, then baby-sitting, then partying. Tomorrow is Skydome then rehearsing. I'm working so much next week when I'm not performing/launching zines.

I worked up in the bar last night with Vanessa (aka Chungtron. We all made up robot names at one point) and it was deliciously slow. I totally wouldn't mind working up there if it were always that

Tamara had her house-warming party last night. I enjoyed it. I wish I had a whole house to party in. My party spirit is just so big. I spent a bit too much time talking about how great my life is... but I've been so down lately. And sort of expecting everything to go into the toilet, and now I'm trying hard not to.
SC and I hung out mostly because he doesn't like anyone except me. A strange activistic girl tried to help me help him recover his feelings. I'm always going on rants about how he doesn't have any (which I maintain is true). She even wrote down some books that he should read to help him feel and stuff. After he'd left and she was leaving she gave me a giant hug (strangers don't really hug me. I think they know it's not my scene) and stopped to whisper in my ear that SC was emotionally blocked and I might want to help him but it would only end up dragging me down. Too good!

I saw Andrew since the first time since he left for computer camp. He is terribly sweet. If MCDA doesn't get it together soon I'm going to barf. It's such a good idea and we are all being idiots about it.

I'm re-reading The Dark is Rising. It's so good. I forgot about how that whole book is just mostly about Christmas. I was geeking out at David about my favourite fantasy novels and he was surprised that I liked them. Weird. I obviously love them. I guess I just come off way too cool. It's probably because of my new fold-up sunglasses which are my favourite thing. Sometimes at night I think about them and how they just fold right up and I smile.

You know maybe I'm not meant for love, I mean, how would I write poetry?

sore eyes, lack of ambition

Dana left the American edition of Elle magazine at my house. I've had a subscription to Elle Canada for the past couple of years. Whoa, the American edition is ridiculously better. Instead of articles which are trite and boring, this magazine had articles I didn't even mean to read which seriously pulled me in. I've never had any interest in Obama's wife, now I do, and if I lived in the states I might even take an interest in this election. It had a memoir beautiful piece about a daughter losing her father to cancer (and finding out that they were secretly part black). The article about Rosie O'Donnell was right on for me. Even the interview with Lindsay Lohan was pretty captivating.
It made me want to be a journalist. I've never wanted to be a journalist (well except vaguely every few years or so).
Actually, I think I've warped myself by never reading a newspaper except 24 and Metro, which are the two worst pieces of garbage and should only be used for their crosswords, wordy-gurdies, and sudokus. I guess I read Now Magazine, but mostly for the music listings and Savage Love.

I'm still feeling slightly ill. I've been sleeping a lot lately. I'm stocking up for the next stretch of working. And I'm mildly depressed and don't feel like being awake a lot of the time.

I watched a lot of TV yesterday and Sunday, more than I've watched in the past couple of months probably. It's really, really enjoyable to lie around for hours and not move. No but really.

Dana called me Sunday eve and then brought some food over and we had dinner. And drank mint tea and ate a lot of chocolate. Then we lay around and watched TV. It didn't matter what it was, we just watched it. We even watched Degrassi and Instant Star. Instant Star is actually remarkably better than Degrassi. Nick's new Tim Horton's and Future Shop commercials were on every two minutes. I think they're really funny but it might just be because I think Nick is really funny. I bet he totally can't go into Tim Horton's anymore. At least not without getting called Bagel Boy.
I hope when my MTV commercials air I get called Eyeball Girl.
Dana is pretty sad these days. We complained a lot and vaguely looked for solutions. Vaguely.

In one of my dreams last night I got a roll of film developed but it turned out to be from years ago. But I didn't remember any of the events in the photos.

One of my eyes is really hurting and I don't know why. I haven't worn my contacts in a couple of days. Maybe it's in withdrawal. I'd love a new pair of glasses. Ones that I actually liked/looked good in.

I really succeeded in doing nothing yesterday. I made cookies and wrote a bit. But besides that I mostly watched TV. It felt like an accomplishment somehow.

Today is the first day of working every day for the foreseeable future.
The time that I can go back to Saskatoon for keeps getting shortened. I'm going to have to go ahead and book my flights so that I have to stop booking more and more things in.
Right now it's looking like going home on Monday the 27 and coming back here around September 7th or 8th. Hopefully.

Luckily one of the reasons it's getting pushed back is a teeny tiny theatre piece Norman is writing for me to do.
And because I will still be in town, I am very strongly considering attending Fake Prom. It looks amazing. It would be more amazing if I had a super-babe to attend with. Someone to lose my fake virginity to. Yeah.
I wonder what JTT is doing that night?

where is the summer going?

New /private.
I feel ill!
I woke up at 7:30 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. I took some painkillers and watched Walking Across Egypt, which stars the incomparable Jonathan Taylor Thomas. I don't think I'd watched in since I first bought it off ebay years ago. It was pretty good. Mostly because he's a babe. A troubled, mean babe in this one. It's weird that it has Ellen Burstyn, Mark Hamill and Judge Reinhold in it.
After that I went back to sleep until 2. Which was better. Now I'm eating too much Special K and moping around.

Friday I worked the Argos game. Saskatchewan won. I hope they get the Grey Cup. I worked in the visitors' side and so there were tonnes of people wearing ridiculous amounts of green. And a bunch of people wearing melons on their heads. Carved out watermelons as hats. I don't even know what that was about.

Afterwards I went to SC's condo (which was nice, more character than I'd expected) to bring him out with me. We drank and I made fun of the buckets of whey powder in his cupboard. Then we went to The Supermarket because supposedly Do Make Say Think were playing. I saw no evidence of that. Miranda and Dustin were there. And David's Stef and her friend. We drank more and I danced. Then SC and I went to Sneaky Dee's where we drank more and ate nachos. I really don't remember much after that. I know we stayed until they took our alcohol away. And I know I was attacking SC's character pretty badly. SC says that wasn't fun at all. And that I got sad. Well, I am frequently sad these days. He's not going to Sneaky Dee's with me anymore because I only pick fights with him.

Yesterday I slept in and lay around a lot. I sewed a bit and thought about writing. I wanted to finish the next zine by the time I go home. We'll see if that happens.

Had lunch with David at the Green Room. We sat on the back patio in the weird almost-garden. There was a sparrow who kept panting and leaning over on one side a lot. It did not look good. After a bit in lay in the dirt without moving. I thought it was dead but then it got up and flew away.
After lunch we went to Honest Ed's and wandered around. There are so, so many ugly figurines and dishes and things there that I really want to buy for my family as jokes. If we ever had a joke Christmas I could do all my shopping right at that one entrance of Honest Ed's.

Went out to The Boat with David and SC to see their friend's band. Worst band ever. No, they were probably fine but I am used to only going to see music I'm pretty fond of. And this was boring and annoying. Not a good combination. David had to leave after they played to see his GF. SC and I walked and got burritos from Burrito Boys, which I'd never had before. Even though Alisin used to live right by there.

Two hyacinths that I really thought were deaddeaddead are coming up again. Hyacinths are my favourite.

SJ called me at three in the morning last night. I was trying to sleep but feeling ill and it wasn't working. I was happy to hear from him. He's in Halifax for a couple of weeks, doing shows and visiting his fam. If it were always three in the morning and he were always drunk we'd be practically married by now. I have no idea what I feel about him these days. Depends on the day, I guess. I care about him, everything else is always changing.

I'm sad these days still. On edge. I'm lonely and always questioning my decision to live alone. Not that there's anyone I want to live with (which, of course, doesn't make things better). I want family and I want to learn to treat my friends better and seek out things/relationships which are good for me, not just challenges.

I need more single girlfriends. Everyone I know is in lockdown except Sarahb (on tour), Chala (on tour/moving away), Dana (being a wiener these days). Wow everyone is in relationships. How do they even know how to do that?

It's raining and perfect out. I'm going back to bed I think.

Yeah I'm totally back off it

Jesus time passes all over the place.

I don't even know how to do a round-up.

I filmed that rap video last weekend. For Grand Analog. I think it's going to be super sweet. I got to wear red short-shorts and a lot of pink and white and I got to ride around on a kids' scooter. I did tricks and put my legs in the air. I was the youngest of a gang of sexy BMX biker girls. I earned the nick-name Baby Bam after yelling "BAM!" a lot and humping all over.
Quelle surprise.
All the people on set were great and there were times where we fell over laughing and couldn't keep it together for the shot. Not very professional. At all.
We went out to the island on Sunday night. I had never been out there before. I'm not sure why the hell not. It's ridiculously easy to get to and feels just like being at the lake. I got there, planted myself in the sand and buried my legs. I felt better than I had in some time just sitting there. We watched sheets of rain come towards us from across the lake but somehow they never made it over. We drank beer and mojitos and ate way too much guacomole and chips and lay around on blankets and ran around with sparklers and sat by our illegal fire and went swimming in the dark.
Mmmhmm.

I've been working a lot. Yankees were in town so it was busy but not much more profitable. Tonight is Argos vs. Roughriders and I might wear my roughriders t-shirt. But probably not while working. I don't think they'd let me.

I met with my agent yesterday. He says I need to start thinking about what sort of look I want to cultivate and what sorts of roles I am dreaming of. He also said none of the photos from the last shoot are good enough to warrant changing my headshot. He wants something with more personality, something (though I hate this word) quirky. And I agree with him. His vote on the last name issue is for Boroughs. Or to not change it. I really like my agent. Sometimes I forget and get nervous of him. But he is pretty funny and smart. And he said that everything seemed to be getting started for me (I sure hope so! That'd be neat!) and that he's hearing great feedback about me.

I'm considering cutting off all my hair. Something quirky.

I had an audition this morning. Everyone I know gets an audition the day after they meet with their agent. It's good to stay on their mind.

I went to see two Summerworks shows last night.
Jasmine, which Norman wrote and starred in, and The Gulliver Project, which was all the Humber theatre kids from the years I was in school.
Jasmine made me cry because it was about a mother and I hate things about mothers who are sad and lonely. Norman was great and the script was beautiful.
Gulliver was very neat, it was performed outside in a church courtyard with a very cool minimalist set and projection videos and neat props. Partly completely realistic and partly fairy-story.

After, I went out with all the Ryerson kids, who I haven't partied with at all this summer. We went to Bistro 422 for prize night! Prize night, where all the prizes are more drinking!!! I felt healthy because I was drinking Bloody Marys and so I was getting all my vegetable servings for the day in. A bunch of the Ryerson kids that I don't know very well are joining mine and Sophia's sketch troop. They were being funny and I was relieved. Miranda came and wasn't awkward even though she didn't really know anyone. I like that I can take Miranda anywhere.

I still don't know when I can go home and so I haven't booked my flight. And prices are just going up and up. I might be doing a tiny theatre piece with Norman at the end of the month. You have no idea just how excited that would make me. I haven't done ANYTHING in years. It would be neat to have an event to invite my friends to. I like showing off.

I might go to watch auditions this weekend for the film I'm doing for Adam Jones. They're looking to cast a young me. Wild.

Two days in a row? I'm back on it!

Super fun college reunion BBQ yesterday. I was surprised. I didn't expect as many people to be there as showed. Some people I totally didn't expect, like Christopher Dale (the little whale), who is one of my favourite people that I never see. So cute. We just sat around talking music and babes and telling each other how sexy we are. Fun.
Jackie hosted at her apartment which has a big deck and lots of room for partying. She won my heart by feeding me alcohol and by having bought veggie burgers and had one side of the grill reserved for them (whoa). It turned out a bunch of people are now off meat, so much better than being the only veg. I made guacamole and Carla brought her home-made salsa. So soo good.
I do miss all my classmates. Even the ones I hate. I just know them too well, their familiarity is really great. I loved making Damon eat properly and rubbing Kevin's back and humping Carla and avoiding Shiraz's leers and gropes.
I got hit on a surprising amount and people kept going on about how intimidating I was when they first met me. Ha. I never got hit on in college, I never hooked up with anyone in my class, I never even flirted that hard.
Yeah babe-break is over, but I'm considering re-instating it. I don't know. I ended up making out a bit with the sluttiest of my classmates outside of the apartment and avoiding going home with him, though he tried hard. And now he wants to hang out and I'm considering it. He is actually a babe, in sort of a James Dean way. But he knows it. And he uses the term "LOL" and other anyone bits of e-slang.

Why have I suddenly become confident again that no one's reading this i-net confessional? I just don't believe anyone would waste there time seeking this out. Not even babes. And there's no babes I'm worried about impressing or worrying about not hurting I guess.

The new Tegan and Sara is pretty addictive.

My nails look just so, so good. I want to eat them.

It's still too hot. I do not feel like biking to work. But I do want to go to work. Too many days off lately. But now I think I'll be working pretty much straight through until I go home. Whenever that is. Dammit I want to go home! But I'm seriously so busy. I thought I'd be able to go for a good two weeks, but it's looking like less and less.
I want to go lake-swimming.

Big Sweet Thing show tonight and Nick and Tyler's other band with their UK friend, Blue Fox. I think it'll be good. SC and Miranda and Dustin are all coming and hopefully some more dancing friends. I'm going to have to rush from work. It always makes the games seem extra extra long when I have somewhere I'd rather be.
Then tomorrow I'm apparently going to be in a rap video! At six a.m.! For Sarah Jane. I think it'll be pretty fun. It better be if I have to get up that early.

oh summer, etc.

College reunion BBQ tonight. I still haven't figured out what to bring. I'll pick up something on the way. Something ridiculously cheap because I am broke until payday tomorrow.

I only had dreams of breaking things. China, glassware, my cellphone. Everything just shattered in my hands last night.

Had brunch at Aunties with Miranda and Sophia yesterday. We had girltalk and waffles. I love waffles. I followed David around taking his picture. He was looking cute though.

I shot Stacy-Ann's sister Zindzi's pictures yesterday. I found it more stressful because I ended up having to be her make-up artist, hair-dresser, stylist and photographer. Boys are much easier to shoot. She also came late and so we lost a lot of the daylight. I'm hoping they still turn out alright. I'll be sad if they don't.
I still like taking pictures though.

I went on a date last night with a boy I met at the bar with a couple of weeks ago, AR. Babe-break is officially over I guess. He seems to fill the same role as other boys I've had in my life. I know that it will never be anything real between us, but he's sort of sweet and thinks that I'm cute. I know that he thinks this because he's put the word 'cutie' in every text he's sent my way. Ew.
Still the idea of any newnesses and any pretending that we are going to be more than we are is grossing me out and I refuse to play along with being cute about each other. But I like affection. And he's an art director for advertising with a background in photography.. which is cool.
And went on a rant about how he actually physically can't live without meat.
Dreamy like I can't even say.
I felt wooed.

I'm hiding in my apartment from the heat. It's sickening out, I hear. My air-conditioner is barely making it tolerable in here, if that's any indication.
But I should get going... but biking in this heat...

Here are more shots from the shoot with Ali, these are the best ones from her digital camera:




No, seriously look how cute this dress is.


I'm part garden gnome. On my dad's side.



Now I just have to decide which one.