strained

Oh, I am a terrible diarist.

Too much going on all the time.

I'm seriously stressed out and I need to learn how to deal with it. How to make the most of my down-time. What to do to cool the eff down.

I shot my first big-ish commercials this weekend. I thought it was just one promo spot for MTV and I thought it would be just a skeleton crew, but it turned out to be two spots and a pretty substantial crew. It was the same director as the last one I did and she had just called me up to do this one (she's the sister of a friend of mine). Which was sweet. Although it did get a little messy for me when she had told me the job was mine and then made me audition against a whole buttload of other girls. But the point it that I got to do it.

I danced on the street corner of Bloor and Landsdowne in heat for about three hours. It was remarkably fun. I love dancing and I love being cute and those were about my only requirements. Eat that college profs who told me that I couldn't sell cute. Whatevers.
I wore a very cute outfit and had my hair french-braided and my make-up done. A babe on a bike was checking me (and the whole filming set up) out so badly that he ran the red light crossing Bloor. He almost got hit. There was a lot of honking.
The DP and parts of the crew for this shoot had worked on the Joel Plaskett video and remembered me. Neat. Everyone on set was ridiculously nice. Two of the art dept people were friends of Jamie's and went to Ryerson with everyone I know so I made friends with them.

I can't believe I actually made money off acting this month. Whoa. It's like I'm a real actor and shit.

I'm rediscovering my love for the Treble Charger 'Maybe It's Me' album. So, so good.

Yesterday I had a Christmas in July dinner party. It was nice. Mostly it was just me and Niki and Mehta but Tamara and Joda and Miranda all came here and there. We had a really good chickpea salad and apple crisp and stuff. I do like having people over.

Miranda and I went to Beaconsfield afterwards to visit Nathan DJ-ing there. I wanted to hit on the bartender but it got pretty busy and so there wasn't really opportunity. He was totally in love with me though. Who isn't?

Yeah, so babe-break was okay. I don't know how "successful" it was... I didn't make out with anyone. But I definitely got a little tipsy a couple of times. And I hung out with boys a bit.

I went on a way-too-much-of-a-date with a boy I'm not interested enough in. I like him a lot, I mean, I think he's very funny and I like his self-deprecation and story-telling. But. We had drinks at Kalendar (which was my idea and I should've thought better of it because that damn patio is so romantic). Drew was working and he picked out my cake and beer for me. I like knowing my server to make them do all the deciding for me.

I worked the door for Chala's BFF Sarah Jane's boyfriend's CD release show. Who is Grand Analog. I got to spend time with Chala and now she's left for Fringe-touring and we'll barely be in the same city ever again. I love Sarah Jane. She's somehow magical and invincible. Ambitious and warm. Like, I believe she could get anything done. She's producing his new music video and somehow she managed to get it sponsored by Holt Renfrew and shit.
Anyway. I worked the door and what I saw of the set was pretty impressive. I love rap about love. Actually, what don't I love that's about love?
I made SC come and hang out with me. He's so, so, so weird. He's the weirdest kid I know. After the show we went and met Miranda and her Dustin at Sneaky Dee's and had (more) beer. They left and we stayed, stayed really really late. The sun wasn't coming up yet, so it wasn't a proper summer night, but close. We spent the whole evening fighting. Arguing, cocks-on-the-table, all out. I probably said too much and I was probably mean. But It was good fighting. I hope. We might be actual friends now.

I'm losing track of everything these days. I'm sabotaging myself and not being responsible.
I forgot there was a day game last week and totally just didn't go until my boss called (and woke me up!) and asked where the hell I was.

I'm sure that there's more I'm forgetting to say. But that's the way I am these days. Forgetful. Always losing things and leaving things.
I'm trying to organise though. To keep stock.

In the mean time:
Pictures from my first official headshot photo-shoot!
I'd appreciate any feedback on account of I actually want to do this for a living at some point.










This is probably my favourite.



Devon was a lovely model. I mean, his pouty face is a bit hilarious but he's actually quite cute. And he seemed to love the pictures, which is important.

I'm hoping to do some more photoshoots. Maybe tomorrow even.

babe-break 2k7

What do people do about fruit-fly infestations?

I'm officially on a babe-break. And a booze-break. It's good to take a break from both together because they seem to be related.
We'll just see how long this lasts. I'm hoping a week at least.
I might extend babe-break depending on how fragile I'm feeling.

That's how my mum describe it, she said I was sounding fragile these days.

I'm just stressed and I have never, ever been good at dealing with stress. It's just not my scene. Everything is so extreme these days. The good parts are toooo good and the bad parts are toooo bad. I feel stretched and always tired. I never want to get out of bed even after twelve hours of sleep.

I flipped out on Thursday night a bit. I called my mum up when I got home from the bar. She hates it when I call in hysterics, it makes her think someone has died or something.

I keep ignoring problems by moving on. Mostly to other babes.
This does not end well. I guarantee. Instead of dealing with being upset about things I just cover up. So when there's no one left to cover up with then I have to actually go about being sad about several things at once.
I'm an idiot.

I made myself a Christmas-in-July dress last week. It's a sundress made of Christmas-print pillowcases. It is very pretty.

I went swimming with Naomi at her condo. Her condo is nice. I would find it odd to live someplace with so little personality. It's unnerving. I would decorate to the extreme or something. Everything is shades of beige there. Expensive beige.

I baby-sat Ana a couple of times last week on account of their regular baby-sitter was ill. There is nothing that makes me feel less competent than looking after a four year old.
We did have some good times colouring and going to the park and playing in the paddling pool. But we also had a couple of fights. I don't know how to win them.
Hard work.

Thursday I went see bands at Tiger Bar with David and SC. It was alright. I am reactive and should not be allowed out of the house. I wish Miranda and Niki had come earlier but they only could come after they closed up at the Chill.

Worked at Skydome all weekend. The Jays are back in town. It's been good lately.

Saturday after work Dana and I met up and went to see a dress-rehearsal-type run of Chala's play. They are doing the Saskatoon and Calgary fringes with it and so they ran it here to get feedback and practice and stuff.
It was neat. Some parts were really really true. And it was definitely a play I related to, and we know I only like things that are about me.
After that I went and hung out with Dana and Leslie and all their male compatriots in their backyard. Except we ignored the boys and had girltalk on the lawn. Mmmhmm.
I went home really early and was in bed by midnight. Delicious.

Yesterday I worked at Skydome in the day and at ACC at night. The Police were playing. They are old. But also still rocking. It seemed like a pretty good show. I'm back there tonight to work it again.

I'm going to try and use this week to figure things out. To decide what is good for me and bad for me. And to be careful of other people and careful of me. Same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old

"You don't need a therapist, you need to quit drinking"

I've been having a tough time lately. A round-up entry soon enough. Hopefully.

For now, here are some of the photos that Ali did for me this week:

I really, really like this:



Monarchs, roses

They are matchbooks, lit matchbooks that fly.
I drive fast and east
to the radioed melody of a woman
and sunlight and my hand
kiting out the window
in a blue car beside a stream
traveling west and south
to the Gulf of Mexico to join
the water that is the sky over Atlantis.
I am an arrow of happiness and I like
root beer and walking from Brooklyn
to the Met and standing
inside the first sigh of grass
in the morning but when my joy
strikes a pair of wings the color
of hydrogen
exploding and the monarch
falls in the rear view like a shirt
shot from its hanger, I want
a tiny piece of chalk
so I can trace the body
for the detective who will slap me
and say, we know you did it, Rocky.
That I'm not Rocky
won't stop justice from smoking
its cigarette in my face
and I slow down too much
for the people piling up
behind me on their way to some other
massacre but I like
cows and the cello and being a killer
as seldom as possible. When I stop
and dismantle the car, you are welcome
to the tires and the horn but leave
the radio, this woman
sings like her voice is a rose bush,
is thorns and complex blooms
and it forgives us
just by letting us know it exists.



-Bob Hicok

I am in a god awful mood. Just terrible. I wish I had something to blame it on. I feel like screaming and punching things.

I am stressed about money. I am always stressed about money. In an avoiding sort of way. I wish I could imagine a situation where I'd have enough money not to worry. Seems like an impossibility. Shitty buzz.
I want to be able to go home for twenty days in August/September. That would be the sweetest of all. But it seems stupid. I don't have enough money. I will never have enough money.

Where is my rich husband?

I need to take a babe-break and instead I keep adding more to the pile.

The Saskatoon friends' bands played again on Thursday. It was really fun. AlexPB aaaand AlexC were there. And Niki and Mehta came. And Saskatooners all over. Dance party.

Friday Dana and I had coffee. We bought a bag of vegan/wheat free ginger snaps and ate way, way too many. Since then I've really been wanting more. Sugar sugar sugar.

I had dinner with Miranda on Friday. We made quesadillas and beans and things. And drank.
Then I biked over and went to a play with SJ at the fringe. It was a one-woman show. I am ridiculously jealous of all theatre actors. Sometimes my stomach hurts when I'm at plays because I'm so frustrated.
You'd think I'd channel that frustration into something productive, wouldn't you?
I won't.

Then SJ and I went and drank at the Fringe club. A dance floor full of actors is always, always interesting. I love everyone cavorting and parading across the floor. It's wonderful. Means I can dance however I'd like.
Networking is good, but I'm no good at it. I am good at making inappropriate jokes though. Talented.

Saturday I worked the Roger Waters concert at skydome. I would kind of have liked to have watched it a bit. I do like Pink Floyd. But I made really good money and had a fun shift.
I went and met Dana afterwards at Ronnie's for a pint. Except a pint turned into a few and maybe tequila shots and maybe going back to these guys' house...
Party All the Time. Etc.
Ridiculous.

Sunday night I went and visited Chala at Teatro because it was very very dead and she needed company. She fed me drinks and I entertained her. We mostly talked about how shitty we both were at relating to men and how for people who hold 'love' in such high regard and seem to be constantly striving for it we sure don't ever fall in it.
Nathan texted and so I went and met up with him at Wavelength. Tamara and Simon were there too. Can't go anywhere in Toronto without running into familiars.

Yesterday I did nothing. I slept and I went and picked up pictures and bought stuff at the dollar store. I organised the bathroom.


Adam Jones.


The film got screwed up. Neat.




Jonathan!

Today I went and did pictures with Ali. We used both my camera and her new digital SLR. I want a digital SLR. I want one. I want one so badly. For my Christmas-Birthday I want you all to save up and pool all of your resources and I will pool my and we will together buy me a beautiful camera. Yeah?
And then I will use said camera to make millions of dollars by taking head-shots and band-shots and maybe even back-shots (this is what Stacy calls doing it from behind. Very sexy).

But, yes, the pictures are nice. Very, Very nice from what I could tell. She will email them to me and then we will really see what I think. Then I will print them off maybe and then maybe my agent will decide. She also took a couple of rolls with my camera that I should be able to pick up tomorrow. I'm excited.

Not that I have money to get the head-shots printed off of course. But still.

I went by Gladstone to visit Dana afterwards. And Leslie was there. So I sat and ate a big scone and drank a big latte. David walked by and I went and brought him in. We sat around for awhile. Then David had to go home and so I called up SC to go for coffee with me.
We went to The Roastery (not The Roastery in Saskatoon because we agreed that would just be too far to bike to). We sat up on the roof and it was full of plants and flowers and shit. Very tasteful. I really like the way that SC talks. It's very specific and eloquent and I feel like he's always mildly laughing at me. Which isn't bad.
He gave me a free week pass to Extreme Fitness (where he works out). I find this hilarious! How wondrous! I said "I'm not going to use this!!!" and he said "Well, you can take it and just think about it". Bwaahahah ('bwaahahahs' are saved for when I'm really LOL-ing, just FYI).
I just might go. Except it would be awful and embarrassing.

I feel like I should do something tonight. Or just clean the house. Yes, that would make the most sense.

I'm working on Et Puis? #4 now. I'm trying to channel my manic panic and energy into something. Maybe when it cools off in here I will do some yoga. That might be centring or some other bullshit.

So... set.
As a new actor, especially as an inexperienced, non-union one, it is lucky to get to be the star of something. Very fun. And for this episode of this TV show I got to be. Each episode of the show goes through the last 24 hours in a dead celebrity's life. They get interviews with real people they knew and get stock footage of the celebrity and inter-cut it with re-enactment footage the show itself makes. So I was part of the re-enactment, as Jim Morrison's girlfriend, Pam Courson.

It's an odd set right off the bat because they don't record sound for the re-enactment. The story is all told in the show with voice interviews and in narration, not in dialogue. Which makes sense because for the most part they don't know what was actually, technically said, so it would be a tough script to write.
Sets are usually insane about sound and you have to be blocks away before you're allowed to make any noise. So it was neat to be allowed to be around while they were shooting stuff I wasn't apart of. The director let me watch on the monitor here and there.

I loved having the hair & makeup girl follow me around. And wardrobe to keep track of me. I think I'm built to be a star, I like having my hair combed out and my powder touched up, people watching out to make sure I don't look like an idiot.

Monday was a pretty hellish day, if I'm being objective (which I'm not because I am excited to have filmed my first TV part!). It was a hot day, something like 41 with the humidity. The building we were in wasn't air-conditioned. We were shooting on the second floor in an apartment set with about 10 big lights and about 15 people coming in and out of the room. My hair was wet to my head and I was dripping sweat down my cleave. Very, very sexy. But mostly hot.
The director was ill, really ill for a bit in the afternoon and everything got behind. The crew and some of the other cast ended up having a 16 hour day. I had only a 12 hour day and I was exhausted. We did so, so many scenes. Pretty much all of my stuff was on day 1. Everything from dancing/making-out with Jim to finding him dead and flipping out.

It's also a treat, being so inexperienced, to get a part where I actually get to do stuff like scream and cry and dance about. Usually at this stage the roles I get to go out for don't have much to them.

On the down side, I was definitely in my underwear for pretty much the entire day. By the end of the day I had no modesty, and was just glad not to have to wear proper clothes in that intense heat. God damn that was intense heat.

Tuesday I got shuttled out to Hamilton and got there just in time for lunch. I got to hang out for awhile and then shoot some going-to-the movies scenes outside and inside of a theatre there. While we were shooting an exterior scene an old couple passed by me and the man looked at me and said "You really areshort!" I have no idea what he meant by that but it was awesome.

I loved the director. I liked the whole crew actually quite a lot, but the director was far and away my favourite. He was British and sarcastic and mocking and secretly sweet. Just my type of gent. We made fun of each other all day the second day, I kept asking him if he was going to barf more and he kept asking if I was going to act better. At one point I told the crew (in front of him) that he'd said I was too fat, then I imitated him talking about it in a British accent. It was very, very funny. I'm a very funny person.

We went out for a quick beer after the shoot and the director said something like "I should always have you around because then I'd always be laughing," and I said, "You wish!!!"

I was quite sad to leave everyone. And even sadder not to have a set to go to yesterday and not to have anyone to do my hair for me.

My call wasn't until 6 on Tuesday so I got to take Alisin out for her birthday brunch. We went to Aunties, Tamara and her friend were also brunching there. I went and sat with them after Alisin had to leave to go back on tour. Tam's friend was so funny and we made loads of jokes. If he lived here I would totally befriend him, because humour is the only important thing. Ever. And David was there with Hayden, not working for once. Hayden sure is a dreamboat rockstar.

I also had coffee with BFF David and talked about money and babes and other depressing things. I bought some one-dollar books from the local shop and made a really good haul. I found this poet, Bob Hicok, in this one anthology that I bought. He's amazing. He's my new favourite thing.

Yesterday I was sick and tired and de-stressing. Poor John was staying with me again and I was being quite a terror. Quite. I refused to leave the house except when I went and ate a giant ice cream and visited AlexPB at the chill.
We watched a lot of TV and several episodes of My So-Called Life. Everyone who comes to stay with me watches it. It's like required or something.

Today we had brunch with Niki and then John set off on his long trek home.

I am computing and trying to take poetry seriously and edit things. I am trying to not be in pain and trying not to be depressive about being done this TV part and having nothing to look forward to ever.

I'm so glad it went well though.. sort of validates my whole life.

I keep leaving this far, far too long. It's nearly impossible to give a round-up.

There's been a new /private entry up for a few days.

Things that have happened:

I had lunch last week with Adam Jones, who is terribly sweet and is producing a movie for me to star in. I'm pretty excited. We had pad thai and talked about boys and movies. He's already got a grant for this short and is applying for more.The more money, the better it's going to be. I really like the script, and I'm pretty excited to have play the character because she's pretty bizarre.

I had drinks with Chala at Kalendar. We had beer and wine and I ate pecan pie. Drew, Jo's friend who works there hooked us and up and gave us excellent service, including checking that the pie was lard-free. Drew is a cowboy who loves pirates... so you know he's good.
It's going to be really wild for me when Chala moves to Montreal (which she keeps insisting she is doing). I've never lived in Toronto without Chala. Chala is my family. Luckily she'll be still close-ish. And Charlotte will be living there. And Charlotte is a babe of my life, so I'll have to go visit.

Leslie got married. WTF? To her British boyfriend. I think they actually like each other, so this could get interesting. Talk about MCDA in lockdown. We just won't admit to our fans that one of our members in off the market. I went to the bachelor/bachelorette party in their backyard. I brought ice cream and I leant Leslie my 'bride to be' necklace.
So fucking weird.

Found out that I had to do a bra-and-panties scene for the TV show I got a part in. That same day had my heart stepped on a bit. Freaked out for awhile. Called my mum in hysterics.
So I went out and drank a lot. Pre-drank at SarahB's - she made me a delicious dinner which fortified. Then went to her show at Press Club. The Aussie she is touring around with played too. He was a babe, mostly because his music was also impressive. Niki and Mehta (in town and staying with her) came by but didn't come in, I went and drank in the street with them.
Went and met my text-messaging BFF, SeanC, for a beer.
SC and I have been talking via text messaging and emailing constantly but we don't really know each other in real life. I like that sort of thing. I think it's terribly funny. He is friends with David and co. from highschool but they aren't terribly close right now. I feel like he is too good at the internet not to find and read this. But, yes, we had a beer and talked in real life and I was surprised that we actually got along. Mostly on account of how we are very, very different people. For instance, I do not enjoy: -body-building -tanning -doing my hair for hours -going to fancy swimsuit fashion shows -being a lawyer. But we have other things in common and it was fun.

Miranda came back to town. I am pretty fond of Miranda and she'd been away in Spain for too long learning Spanish and stuff.

I worked all weekend. I pretty much hate working in the bar, but I pretty much love the people up there. So it works out. Friday was horrendously busy though and it just didn't feel worth it...

Saturday I hung out with Miranda at her house and drank gin and grapefruit juice. I like hanging out with people who live at their parents' house. Parents' houses are so weird. Their fridges are so full! Her BF and his cousin came over and then we all went down to the Drake to some hipster dance party night... except I didn't feel like going in and it was lined up to the extreme.
So I went and met SJ at Ronnie's for a pint instead. It was very nice. We caught up and talked about everything going on in our lives. We ended up talking about how we care about each other and about how it's nice that we're friends. Aw, etc.

Sunday John came to stay. And I was horrendously stressed out in anticipation of going to set the next day. I was not a good hostess at all. Terrible, actually.
Two giant Saskatoon bands were in town as well. So John and I went for dinner with Sophia and then Miranda met up with us and we all went to Sneaky Dee's. Sooo many Saskatoon people in one place. Sort of incredible. Just the bands (Maybe Smith and Carbon Dating Service) were 12 members total.
It was great to see Mairin and Alisin again, especially. Two of my very favourite girls. (Although since Mairin is head of staff for the Sask finance minister maybe I should call her a woman. And because she takes off her pants a lot.)
The bands were pretty amazing. I hadn't seen either in years and they'd gotten super good. Lots of dancing and lots of horn sections. Lots of spirit fingers and catchy choruses. Mairin pointed out the best chorus for me and her, from one of Maybe Smith's songs: I've thought my way out of happiness a million times but I have never thought my way into it
Fuckin yeah.

I have to write about my on set experiences. About shooting my first TV role! About how I'm a real actor and shit now! But I'm thinking I'll write it out proper and post it tomorrow, hopefully. There's too much to fit into this entry. And I'm not done processing yet.
Bottom line though, I loved it.

So Blogger... I hope you are happy to have me. I've been a loyal diarylander forever and a half.. but.
I'm double-posting here and there for a bit. Seeing how I like it, you know, testing the waters.
For reference,
maredeath.diaryland.com contains more information about me than you'll ever need to know.

.

Man, I totally got a call from wardrobe. Sweet. I hope production tells me when we're shooting soon. It's like I'm a real actor and stuff.

Summer, holy hell. I'm glad it's cooled down and I can wear sweaters again. It really heat-waved for a minute there.
Holy hell, summer.
Everything feels intensified by Summer. I can't even tell what's what because there's just too much. I can't sort anything that's happening and write it down because it's all too... actual.

I am only into old-school rap. I am schooling myself to give MCDA some cred.

Today is my first day off in fifteen or so days. I did not leave my house. I rule. I've been in a nasty mood though, but it's harder to notice when I don't have to interact with anyone. I meant to get some writing done but it is now two in the morning and there is nothing much to show for it. I did watch some CSI and I did eat a whole lot of beans. I talked to my mum and to John on the phone for great deals of time. John is coming here soon! I adore John.

And Alisin and Mairin are coming with their band and other friends and Mehta's going to be in town. So many peeps.

It's been too much party all the time. I have a drinking problem. Thursday went drinking with Sophia and Jo and Morgan and all the girls' friends. It was prize night at Bistro 422. Amazing. All the prizes were more drinks! Amazing. We went to a weird bar on King West where the band played covers, including The Doors and we danced hard and I celebrated getting a real part some more. The night culminated with swimming and we so didn't get arrested. Fuck yeah.

Friday I went to Chala's fundraiser for her Fringe play. It was good. I danced for a minute and got danced up on and shrieked, which Sarahjane found hilarious. I ate some cookies and drank some beer and felt awkward with all these people who are closer to Chala than I am now.. so many babes hanging around that love her too. She's like a kitten and the way the toms all hang around the backyard, just waiting to be chosen, leering.
Sexy.
I went home early-ish and then Niki came over and we drank and talked and stuff.

Yesterday I had lunch with Naomi for the first time in decades and we caught up on all of actorly gossip and plans. We need to start working out more. For realz. Or, I do mostly.
Then I worked at the Chill for a few hours to cover for Mark. Me and Niki were just so not in customer service moods. I hate customer service. I just was not feeling it.
So we went drinking at DanaLeslieOwen's house with SarahB and some other boys-with-accents. It was pretty good and I got trashed and Dana pierced her nipple except she didn't have a ring to put in it, so that was silly.
It was the first time MCDA were all together all in one place, partying together. Neat, and yet it passed without much fuss and definitely no work-talk.

I'm enjoying my life as a shut-in today. I'm not particularly looking forward to leaving the house tomorrow. Here my heart is safer and there are less people to irritate me, less things to distress me.

By which I obviously mean that I am lucky lucky lucky and also an ingrate and also just so, so tired these days.