et puis?

too much of a good thing is never enough

2008-01-27T16:01:00.000-05:00

OH-MISTLETOE.BLOGSPOT.COM

Sorry, Diary, I've been ignoring you. I'm favouring that other one. Because it's more interesting to write in I guess.

It's shitty when I cancel plans to stay in and write and then I don't actually get around to writing. I might as well have been having fun instead of weinering around on the internet. Double sigh.
It would be even better if when I stayed in to write, I actually wrote.

I did good work on Wednesday, I wrote for over three hours and got massive amounts done. I have trouble getting started when I know I have to go do something later on. Even if later on is two hours away I still feel like I shouldn't get into it. And it's bad that I have trouble settling in until after midnight. Especially since I frequently go out at night. And especially because most days I'm babysitting in the morning. And it's good to be alert when chasing small children.

I kind of like babysitting, I expected to grow tired of it quite quickly, but it's still interesting. I like Ana and T-Rex a lot. I'm learning more and more how to interact with Ana best. She's sort of tricky - one half rude and pushy, and one half terribly sweet and nervous. And she takes everything very, very seriously. The brother baby, on the other hand, is still extremely well-behaved and laid-back. And his smile could maybe save the world.

Still partying all the time with my one single GF, Stef. You know what her problem is though? She has a full-time job. Stupid. People who work all the time are dumb.
Except I need to start acting like I have a job. I mean, that my own work is my job. To justify how little other work I do.

I'm so getting fired from ACC at the end of the season when they assess attendance. But it's their damn fault for requiring me for shifts I already told them I can't work. Some bits of the union rules there are RIDICULOUS.
Just saying.
I wish I weren't getting fired. I like it. I like seeing friends and wandering around and bothering people. And the shifts are so short and the money is so good.

I love improv. I'm excited to go to improv tomorrow. I love being excited about things. I'm pretty good at it, also. Just saying. I want to do more and more of it. And I'm excited to go for beers after class with my new friends. New people are great. So much to say and discuss. Yeah huh.

Went to Ikea with Stef this week. I love the frozen yogurt for $1!
I bought a giant red rug for the bedroom (calling different parts of my bachelor apartment different rooms is a very hilarious joke), which is sort of awkward but still better than the awful blue carpeting. Carpeting is gross and should be illegal.
They had standard size feather pillows for $3.25. I bought two and they are very comfortable. In retrospect I should have bought seven. I also bought baskets to put things in. Now I don't have as many mittens and hats and scarves strewn about the entrance-way.
This place has lapsed into disaster again. It's awful. I pretend like I'm writing so that I don't have to clean. "I can't clean write now, I'm about to start writing", etc.

I slept for 11 hours last night and I'm still tired. I party so hard. I feel kind of dizzy when I move my head.

bore-festivals

2008-01-21T01:11:00.000-05:00

I didn't do anything social today. Besides work for 6 hours. Which was enough. More than enough.
Stupid Monster Trucks. I got stuck in a shitty section and made no money and was so bored that I sat on the floor for most of the time.
The girl I was working with said the EXACT same things to each customer. In the EXACT same intonation. Good thing we didn't have many customers.

Stephanie and I have been partying all the time. To the extreme. She put me in a cab last night while I was yelling about wanting to go to an after-hours. She is a good friend. Especially since I had to work at 11 this morning.
Yesterday I had brunch at Musa with her and SarahJane. I think Musa can be my back-up plan for when I've over-done Aunties. Except Aunties has friends.
And Friday night Steph and I got right shittered at Octopus (this bar's name is actually not spelt like that but I'm going to continue spelling it correctly). SarahJ pours the drinks a little strongly so it's hard to keep track of how much I've drank. Especially since the glasses seem to magically refill themselves there. We did our rounds of hellos there and bothered SarahJ as much as physically possible then we went to hip-hop karaoke at The Boat. At which point my memory fails me. We went back to Octopus, I guess, and then I wisely (if not gracefully) bowed out of the evening. I left a trail of destruction coming into my apartment and woke up wearing clothes I never pick. I guess I have different taste when I'm drunk.

I worked at ACC Friday and Saturday nights as well and made a bunch of money. I love money. I love when money gets to me. On Saturday the man I worked with and I spent most of the eve talking about television and specifically how bad Canadian TV is.
Wow is it ever bad.

I'm 100% in love with watching repeats of Roseanne. I love it. I think it's an amazing show. Especially from the first couple of years. It's the nicest, funniest sit-com. I laugh continuously and also find it quite lovely.
Sit-coms are not made like this anymore. I am going to write more about this on OH-MISTLETOE soon, hopefully.
I really want to write a family sit-com now. Because we need more of them.

I want to do anything that helps me procrastinate doing all the other projects I really should finish.

This diary is now boring x 10000 to make you go read the other one.

oh-mistletoe

2008-01-17T22:48:00.000-05:00

oh-mistletoe.blogspot.com

I don't know what to do about this whole "blogging" thing. I'm growing a little tired of this set up and this way of writing and this weblog. This weblog is just for me, it's not written well, it's not about being interesting or entertaining, it's about keeping track of what I'm doing and what I'm feeling. It's for posterity and to reference when I need to know what happened when and how exactly it went down.
Which is fine.
But it's not enough.

I spend way too much time on the internet to not contribute more to it. Or at least pretend to.
And I've been influenced in the past while by blogs/sites that are not only constantly updated, but constantly interesting.

1)She Does the City
I met some of these girls in the summertime when they reviewed the play I was involved with, I saw them out and about at V fest later on. They are very cool and I am jealous of how they seem to be the type to Get Shit Done and yet manage to Party All the Time (my ideal lifestyle).

2)s-nicole.blogspot.com
One of the girls from She Does the City. I relate x 100 to this and am jealous of how she knows how to put things.

3)Avenging Sybil
This is the YA lit blog of my longest Diaryland friend, Dawn. This tells me what I will want to read. I want to do something similar about the industry of acting in Toronto (specifically for film and TV) and the state of television in this country. And related business, of course.

4)Nunc Scio
I found this and it's written by a guy in my improv class. Let it be known across the world that upon meeting anyone I generally try and find out as much as I can about them on the internet. Which is usually way too much and then I feel weird. I like knowing more about people than they know about me. Which never works out because I post every secret I've ever had all over the internet in every place I can find.
Anyhow. This blog is entertaining and it's now the only place I'm going to find my news.

5)raymitheminx.com
Parts of this are amazing. Even the stuff I'm not too fond of makes me think.

6) That's Wizard
This is Miranda's BF's new mp3 blog that I'm expecting great things from. And that I've already gotten great music from.

7)saidthegramophone.com
I already said about this one, but I'm enjoying it more and more.

.

ANYHOW

I've started a new blog.

OH-MISTLETOE.BLOGSPOT.COM

The new fantastic blog will be for:

proper writings
photos
reviews of things
acting/the film industry in Toronto
Canadian television
poetry
lists
shows/music

This old fantastic blog will still be kept up but most likely in a minimalist way.
I seriously keep this mostly to keep records for myself. So I'm going to continue to do so and talk about people and what I did and what I ate for dinner. But if you don't want to read it anymore (I always assume no one does anyhow), that would be just fine.

.

On that note:

Sat the kids more today and yesterday. It's amazing how kids make neighbourhoods real home. Only two weeks into looking after these little ones and now I am knowing neighbours, recognizing kids from swimming or the indoor playground, saying hi to people at the grocery store.
So strange and quite lovely.

Baby-sitting is supposed to be like birth control for me. Mentally, I mean, I was doing it so that I would get my fill of kids and not want any of mine own.
It's not working.
But I guess now it becomes even more important that I plan and orchestrate my life to be able to be a mother.
In the sooner rather than later future.
By which I mean at least a couple of years.

Saw SarahB and Ellen and friend last night. I want SarahB to be living in this city still so that she can Party All the Time with me. And I want Ellen to be around more often. She's coming back through soon on her way around the continent promoting/planning the We Are Many Festival.

I'm eating healthily again. For once? I'm buying fruits and vegetables and drinking water.
I need to keep at it. I'm ridiculous.

I sure didn't come home and write instead of drinking the other night. I went to Steph's with SarahJ and Solo, instead. Win some, lose some.

Had coffee with Miranda for about two hours yesterday. I feel like the first hour or so of any interaction is surface and it's only after getting really really settled does one start to talk about anything important or new.

I've been on the internet for about 9 hours and I kind of want to die. Except not because I want to play Oregon Trail on Facebook for ever and ever. And get my new blog started.

Was House a new one this week?
And was Medium?

there's no way to prepare for improvisation

2008-01-15T16:29:00.000-05:00

Sometimes the way people put things just makes the day get a whole lot better. That's the only reason I write, maybe. Is to effect people. (I don't mean on here - I mean when I write creatively.)
Stephanie sent me the link to her brother's blog, saidthegramophone.com. It's very nice. So well put together. Makes me a bit jealous that my blog is always such a personalized mess - but then, that's what it's here for. It's part mp3 blog (I downloaded a bunch of them and it's like they made me a mix tape) and part nice writings. This, specifically, I loved (I hope he wouldn't be mad that I'm re-posting it):

file under: purchases: small
when you buy a dish rack from the dollar store, don't forget to also buy the tray that goes underneath it. that's also a dollar.

file under: growing up: firsts
if you need to know what french kissing is like, and how to do it, I would recommend thinking of the kiss as a sleep and your tongue as the dream. It's not right away, and it doesn't last the whole time.

.

Took Ana to swimming lessons yesterday. All the little ones are sort of painfully adorable. I'm feeling sort of raw in unexpected ways lately and the tiny group of girls feeling helpless in the water was a bit wrenching. I wanted to be in there holding all of their hands as they had to dip their faces in.
The new baby in that household is ridiculously well-behaved. He rarely fusses and usually just laughs or watches everything intently. Ana runs at his face and almost jumps on him and he's still just so calm.

.

I'm so remarkably not into babes right now that it's sort of funny. Well, I am into babes in that I want to look at them.. and possibly interact with them (physically. obviously. uh huh.) and drunk dial them but not date them. I am not wanting to be indebted or responsible to anyone.

When I got back to Toronto last year after being in a very quick and very intense relationship, I was looking for more of the same. Basically from the minute I stepped off the plane I was wanting someone to come sleep at my house every day, to have dinner with, to run errands with, to come to shows, to tell about my day to, etc, etc. I was looking for the dailies. And I tried to get that from people who weren't interested in dailies at all. And then when I got it, it turned out that that wasn't what I was looking for.

It's my job right now to start Getting Shit Done. I know I always say that, but I'm going to have to keep on. Trying to make it come true.

Well, I had my first improv class last night. I was really, really nervous. Of course. But it ended up being really good and I ended up being really funny. It seemed short. Which means it was enjoyable.
There's only one other woman in the class, then 6 men. Nerd-boys, but in the way I like, where they talk about music and Mac computers and Star Trek and blogging.
I went out with some of the boys and my teacher, Browning, for beer afterwards. I like doing stuff like that. Any new people to try out are fun. I like being in situations I've never been in before. Ended up staying drinking with Browning and his film partner until 3. Because I party all the time.
I think I'm going to like the class. And be good at it. And it will give me the confidence I need to start doing comedy in real time.
Right.
Right.

I had dinner with Sophia last night at an Asian vegetarian restaurant. It was really good. It had pages and pages of different things I could eat. What a treat! We sort of talked more about our sketch plans. I've actually been writing stuff out. Amazing.

Went out with Miranda on Saturday with her law school friends. There were a couple of babes. And a lot of drinking. I need to be out with new people more. Because I love it. And all of my friends are coupled-off and that's annoying. It makes them less interested in Party All The Time.
My only interest.

Went drinking with SarahJ and Steph on Sunday night. Lay around the Drake on their sofas and drank wine and ate way too many desserts, then went to Dakota for more eating and drinking and ogling cute cowboys.
I always feel stronger for having spent time with those girls. I couldn't really pinpoint why, but still.

Work at ACC tonight. I wish I weren't going to get fired from there because I do really like it. Maybe I will come home and write instead of going out to drink. Or maybe I won't.

sometimes it's too much though

2008-01-13T02:07:00.000-05:00

My hands are covered in crazy glue and gold paint. I always, always underestimate the power of crazy glue.

I stayed in last night and worked on my apartment. I cleaned up a bit (not nearly enough), put things into tins and jars and forty bottles, dusted (what? that's not part of my repertoire), re-made the bed, organized the clothing, and painted things. I always get bored of doing the dishes part way through and wander away. Good job.
I painted a tack board red, then edged it with green ribbon and patterned it with pale gold. Very pretties. And I painted a red paper light shade with pale golden snowflakes. Also pretty pretties.

I had a terrible dilemma where I needed another cover on my bed at night (this attic gets pretty cold), but I didn't want to lose the feeling of the eiderdown and I certainly didn't want to cover up the duvet cover my mother so lovingly handcrafted. So I put the other comforter inside the duvet cover as well, over top of the down. Now it's so ridiculously heavy and still beautiful. No wonder I never leave my house.

James Franco is still a total babe of life, but James Dean is not a very good movie.
I've been watching way too much TV. But I love it.
I love Grey's Anatomy still.
I'm tired of no new shows. I'm going to have to get addicted to shows I never watch just to fill the void. Then when they're all back on I'll be in trouble.

Had brunch with Miranda yesterday. First brunch in way, way too long. Oh brunch! And David was back. And Priscilla was working, which was a little strange. But we were more than polite (bordering on friendly, even?).
I had the omelette. Of course. We stayed for too long. Of course.

Then I went shopping and got a beautiful Paper Blanks day planner. So nice. Red with delicate gold trim. Everything in my life is seriously Christmas-based.
I also bought champagne. Because that's the only thing I want to drink.
And I bought hyacinths. I'm going to try and take better care of the bulbs this time and re-grow them a few times. Seems possible. In theory. Except about how I don't even see plants.

Today, I watched a lot of TV. Cleaned up a bit (got tired of the dishes again). Read some (Guy Vanderhauge is really good. hmm.)
I went out tonight with Miranda to one of her law-school get-togethers. Except it was mostly for this one guy's birthday. It was kind of fun - based on how much champagne I downed before leaving the house? Who knows? I haven't been out-on-the-town really, since being back. And every babe around was specifically built for me, as far as I could tell. I love babes. Don't know if you know that..

Earlier this week I had a meeting with Sophia about our sketch comedy and what we're doing with it... we sort of have different ideas of it.. but if we could manage to make them co-exist.. it might end very well. It might end up we have a continuously entertaining show, because each part would be different.

I'm drunk. I'd continue this entry that I started writing earlier today except for Google. Google sometimes is up to no good.

well then, make it better

2008-01-08T00:14:00.000-05:00

I did it. I signed up for improv classes. The 300 level, they let me skip up because of studying in college with Allan. But now I'm nervous. Secretly, I'm not terribly self-confident. Not about real-time things.
But also excited. I'm pretty funny............... so................

I made lentil soup tonight. And apple crisp. And watched a lot of TV and did only a little bit of writing. But enough. Hoping to get the next issue of Et Puis? out as soon as possible.
It becomes clearer that I'm happiest when I'm producing and moving. And keeping on top of everything.

I tried watching the new CBC series The Border, but it wasn't my cup of tea. Maybe my brother would like it. I did see an old classmate for about a second on it, so that was good. It's good that some of us are working. Here and there.

I can't believe the writer's strike is still on.
This is so unbelievably Canadian television's opportunity. It's the major Canadian networks' chance to start producing our own content. They're probably realizing that - to a degree, but mostly still filling the schedule with reality junk. Reality is such a waste. A drain. I want more art on television. I want more programming that is about something.
It'll be strange not to have a pilot season in LA this year. All those actors staying home.

I wonder if Canada will ever have a strong TV industry, of our own. Not just filming US shows in Vancouver.
The biggest problem is that we keep up with shows that are crap. And even all the new pilots are crap. And good shows aren't ever given a chance. The only good Canadian TV is being produced by the cable networks like Showcase or The Movie Network, and those shows aren't out there for everyone to see. Because cable is so damned expensive.
Still, I would totally rather have my series on MN, they seem less scared of pushing stuff, of doing really big budgets, of shooting high quality.

For a country known for it's sense of humour, for it's importing of great comedians, we sure suck at sitcoms. I'm alright with Corner Gas, but beyond that?
And I see a lot of great live comedy (sketch, stand-up, improv, etc), why don't these people get more shows? Why haven't we learned to transfer it to screen?

There seems to be only two types of Canadian programming on the major networks:
a) The Canadian type of show -
where we showcase our true Canadian-ness, our true love of bad, easy jokes, and quaint lifestyles. Our politeness and how everything is "fine". Where we showcase Hockey, how small our towns are, how nice everyone is.
(ie: Little Mosque on the Prairie, Train 48 [God help us - what was that beyond-low-budget wreck?], Hatching, Matching and Dispatching)
b) The American type of show -
where we try and pretend that we are actually as exciting and sexy as the US. Where we just totally rip off their programming and just set it in Canada so we can call it our own.
(ie: Falcon Beach, and Whistler [both just exactly The O.C. in poor disguise], Instant Star, The Best Years [that was even fucking set in the US, what the hell? How is that Canadian programming?], etc)

Hmm. I didn't expect to write that entry. Interesting.

free food is not for refusin'

2008-01-07T01:14:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty much done with being ill now. I've pretty much had enough.
I would be alright with a little less coughing in the night that keeps me up for hours and hours.

I'm unused to standing on my feet all day. I'm tired. But still feeling excited/excitable.
Starting to think in possible poems again. That's a start.
And I'm getting excited about the TV show again. Freshness and stuff. Hopefully.

Apparently they've put last year's MTV commercial on air again. Which I've never seen and barely remember doing. Now I have 4 commercials on air.
Wild.

Saw Ellen this afternoon. Hung out with her at her cousin's house with her friend Bryan who is touring for the We Are Many festival with her. Then we went for beer and actually talked. For the first time in awhile.
We tossed around the idea of writing a book together on what it's like being in love with someone with a mental illness, and getting over them, and all that comes with that. It's such a hard thing, and a rarely visited subject. There's no room in this society's set-up for the mentally ill. And little support/understanding for friends and family of the mentally ill.
As much as I'd never wish ill on Ellen, it's nice to have someone who actually knows what I mean.
Actually.

Worked with one of my favourite co-workers at ACC today. He's a crusty old postman who makes fun of me constantly and we laugh at each other's attempts at insults. And we make fun of the customers and see who can out-sarcastic the other. He's a Capricorn too. Makes so much sense.
Sundays are dumb because they're so slow, but also the quickest shifts, so it's not too bad. And I got a free milkshake so it was worthwhile. I never buy milkshakes, but free is never a bad thing. Free food is not for refusing. Unless it's made of meat or other gross things, then it's okay.

Went to see an acoustic Weather Station show tonight. It was pretty neat. The other bad was great too, a whole back up group of stompers and clappers and whistlers and singers for this one guy with a guitar. Very fun. I went because I had to hang with David again before he goes back to Halifax. But he says he's moving back. Maybe as soon as next month! David is one of my very very best BFFs. Even when he's being obnoxious.

I love Toronto.
I realized that when I got back. I love it here. So very much.

I'm steeling myself for this year's February/March (ie: the worst time of year). I'm stock-piling good feelings and making plans and committing to things to keep me going and see me through.

I'm always so starry-eyed

2008-01-06T01:28:00.000-05:00

I'm a total dweeb for getting overly-excited about receiving a myspace-standard-sort-of email from Marshall Herskovitz (of My So-Called Life and Quarterlife). Aww, I'm such a fan of his though.
I liked this comment of his on one of the Quarterlife forums:
"Forgive me for being thrilled that you would write that you're looking to find the my so-called life kind of people. I guess that's about as good a way of describing why we built this site as anything I've heard. The irony of course being that the Angela Chase's of this world do not necessarily reveal their deepest and truest selves in public -- even in a public place like this. Still, I hope you find those people, because they're definitely on this site..."

Also, Mr. Herskovitz using the term "LOL" is terribly funny to me for some reason.

I love the interweb.

Yes. Yes Yes I am totally wasting time on Quarterlife instead of writing my own damned script. But my own damned script is a sack of poo. It stinks! Kind of like Ethan's stinky butt.
I sent my mum the most recent draft and she got back to me with feedback, the helpful kind, even and I still don't feel like working on it.
I don't know what to do about it.
I don't even remember highschool anymore. It seems made up.

I want Herskovitz and Zwick to write my show for me.

.

Worked 11 hours today. I'm not sure why I'm still awake. I'm getting my voice back. I'm hoping to not lie awake for 2 hours coughing tonight. Buckley's tastes so, so bad. I'll probably have nightmares about the taste.

Made fantastical amounts of money today.
I love the skydome but I hate the disorganization and the issues with the work. I like being a favourite and a "good worker" though. I like having jobs I look forward to.
But I still don't want to do them forever.

Put plans in motion for "getting shit done".

Got recognized from TV a whole lot more at both jobs, people who shouldn't even know who I am. It's very, very strange. I don't know how to react or be as appreciative as I am feeling.
Did I mention about the girl in Saskatoon who recognized me? It was very surreal. I felt very much like someone was putting her up to it.
"I wasn't sure if it was you but then I saw you dancing..."

Seems like it'd be scary to be uncreative. Imagine just being an actor. None of it would be up to you... waiting for the right roles and right lines. It seems strange.
I need to write, right..

I wish I could remember to be excited about this life more often.

it's nice to be back with my conditioner

2008-01-04T22:28:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling a whole lot better today. No new symptoms, for the first time in awhile. That's hot. I almost have a bit of a voice. I may even go to work tomorrow. I really have to. No scratch.

Ventured out only once today - to the grocery store. I have no tastebuds right now so I had a hard time shopping. There wasn't much I really wanted.

I like to do a whole lot of things to "prepare" to write. This is ridiculous. Frequently I just "prepare" for so long and never actually get down to writing. I like to:
- make tea
- get a soft blanket to wrap up in
- get snacks
- eat the snacks
- think of more snacks to eat
- change my clothes
- put my hair up
- decide on music
(which usually involves downloading and searching for new things)
- go on freerice.com (2500 grains I donated today!)
- watch internet TV that possibly relates to what I may or may not write about (watched all of Quarterlife!)
- blog
- check all my internet sites over and over again

I'm single again (who's surprised???) I've realized that I may not want a relationship at all. It's surprising how little work I get done when there's someone I can distract myself with. Seems like it would be possible to achieve a balance, but I'm not sure I'm capable of it yet.

I drank a lot of champagne last month. It was my champagne birthday - so it only makes sense. Now it's all I want. And beer. I didn't drink much beer in Saskatoon. I drank a lot of hard liquor. Hard liquor is easier to sneak into bars.
I remembered to bring my flask back with me this time. And it still had liquor in it from last visit. That's how I know my brother is a square.
But I like that he's a square with a driver's license. Best birthday present he's given me was driving me around this holiday season.

I'm 24 now.
I like that number. It seems solid somehow. The beginning of a new year always seems so promising, I like that I'm also a new age in the beginning of a new year.
Our perception of time speeds up as we get older. I'm noticing that to be true, more and more. I frequently leave situations and think "oh well, I won't have deal with this for months" and then next thing I know all those months have passed...

I was nagging Constantine about doing something with his life... and realizing that I'm the same.
I have tonnes of ideas and plans... it's just the execution of it all

Talking to Miamo on MSN. She's depressed about her acting career and everything that goes along with it, the poverty in particular.
Gahhhd.
After Christmas is the hardest (and coldest) part of the year.
I will not get down (except in a really, really funky way).

clean slate in '08!

2008-01-04T00:26:00.000-05:00

Seriously? Seriously almost a month?

whoa. I really shit the bed on this one. I'm a terrible diarist.

I wonder when (if ever) my blog skills will peter out? Is this the beginning of the end?

quarterlife.com is made just for me. Dear Marshall Herskovitz and Edward Zwick, how did you know I needed this show? How did you base all of the characters on me? Especially the one who talks way too much about her friends on her blog and tells everyone's secrets, including her own?
It's not My So-Called Life, but then, nothing is. And this is good. And it's getting me thinking about writing my (theoretical) show again.

I have the worst cold I have had in years maybe. It's super intense. Luckily I took an aeroplane back to Toronto today and that sure fucked my ears up. They don't feel as bad since I had a nap, but I was a little worried for a bit there that my hearing loss was going to last. And worried about how much it hurt.
I have several other gross, gross symptoms with this bug that I won't share. But I totally don't have a voice. At All. I was considering calling my mum then realized that was an impossibility. I danced around singing in a loud whisper for awhile, but it was really un-fulfilling.

Uh-oh. Joel's facebook status says that his sickness is an Adenovirus. Aaaand, I'm pretty sure that's what I have. Wow, I hope no one gets this. It looks nasty nasty. Fuck, now I'm nervous of what's to come. That would explain my stomach flu on boxing day. And why my ears and eyes are the grossest ever.
Aw fuck. I don't want to be holed up in my house for days.
No, actually, that's alright. I haven't written in much, much too long, so I'll do that. And watch Quarterlife.

I'm bundled up in front of this machine in my new down duvet (courtesy of my best cousin and her kin) which is covered in the new duvet cover that I designed and my mother executed more beautifully than I'd thought possible. It's so gorgeous. My bed is so ridiculous. David came over this afternoon and bundled himself up in it. It's irresistible. Dark red sateen sheets and all kinds of beautiful Christmas fabrics patchworked on the duvet cover. But it's beautiful, you might not even notice that it was Christmas at first.... unless you know me, in which case you'd just totally expect it.

There's no food in the house. Only what I brought back with me. I realized when I got home this afternoon at 2 that I hadn't eaten since 8 the night before. So I feasted on mini bags of doritos and on Christmas chocolate and the nuts that my aunt gave me for baking supplies.
After my nap I made (fake) chicken noodle soup, which was about my only choice.
I think the eggs are still good - so I have breakfast for tomorrow!

Christmas is actually over. It's done. And I'm done with winter. As I always say; winter, after Christmas, is no winter at all.

I made such a good haul this year. I was thinking that as I unpacked today. Decorated my apartment with all my new things and drank tea out of my new mug...
I love things.
I'm such a stuff kind of person.
I'm hoping I get better and better at taking care of my stuff and at valuing it.

I don't live in Saskatoon. This has never been clearer. It was hard this year that some friends weren't at home. And even the ones that were there have such specific lives that really don't involve me at all.
Fraser got really, really drunk at Bandswap and said "Meredith, we lead very different lives!" and when I agreed wholeheartedly he said "But does that mean we can never be friends?"
It kind of broke my heart. He told me that he's somewhat jealous of me having moved away.. and I'm more than jealous of him having stayed there (even though it's not for me). I know that drunk people are drunk people, but I believed him when he said he loves me, because even though we're not bffs anymore, I love him ridiculous amounts.

It was wonderful to see the people I did though.

My fam was wonderful. Every time I looked at Ethan and Rachel I almost cried. They are so not the babies I first left them as. They are huge. They are real people. And, even better, they are real people who I like. I like them both so much. Even when they hit me. Or kick me in the crotch. I wish I had spent even more time with them.
Their new baby sister was more than cute. Obviously. We don't make them any other way in this fam. No way.

I re-bonded with Carlan and Maggi this trip, which was an unexpected bonus. Especially with Maggi. I read her diary these days but that's about as far as it goes. But we got to go scope for husbands and drink (a lot) and even have a bathtub talk together.
I didn't realize how much I missed Carlan until I saw her. She's such a babe, and has such a great way of speaking and relating.
I got to hang out with Steph a lot too. We made sweet gingerbread cookies and decorated them (really, really badly, some) and had a great dinner last night.

It was good to see Charlotte too. She's neat. It's funny the awkwardness when I first see people again after a long time.. I'm so weird. Charlotte and I were the designated dancers/ raffle girls for Bandswap, which Alisin organized this year. It was pretty great. We wore superhero outfits with our gitch over top our tights and sweet silver capes that I made. Such total babes, like I can even explain.

Hillary and I had our traditional Valentines date at Chiantis and ordered the same thing (romantic!). And she and Gill came for lunch with me and Ashley on my birthday. Hillary gave the sweetest origami hearts card set and Christmas card making set... everyone is getting Christmas cards all year round.
Ashley got engaged! Holy fuck. Not that I didn't see it coming. According to facebook most girls I went to elementary with are having kids or are married. Weird!

I'm getting old.

Hung out with Constantine when I first got into town. He's such a doll. We had our grilled cheese platters and both totally cleaned our plates and ate all our ice cream treats!
No one is as rewarding to call when I get to town as him. He generally says "HOLY FUCKING SHIT! ARE YOU IN TOWN? WHEN ARE WE GETTING G.C.P.S?" It's really nice.
His new roommate Roger is a doll as well. We all hung out last night. Went to two different bars with them and Constantine knocked the plate out of our server's hand while doing an impression of Roger doing an impression of him. Very silly. For some reason it seemed like a good idea to watch them make grilled cheese and bother Roger while he was trying to read and then watch Deathproof instead of going home to get some sleep before my 7 am flight. I'm ridiculous. And easily swayed.
So easily swayed.

I love Christmas. Not working over Christmas was such a good choice. I was so much less stressed than I normally am. And since I love Christmas ever so much, it doesn't seem fair that I wouldn't get to enjoy it. I think this was the first year in awhile where I didn't have a meltdown. We also didn't have a turkey, which I was pretty grateful for. We had pot pies and stuffing and salad and ginger cheesecake. It was all too good. Too, too good.

My birthday was awesome as well, actually except being sick all holidays, this year was pretty exceptional.

Hmmm. I wonder if anyone'll make it through this entry. I need to go to sleep.

2007-12-13T16:34:00.001-05:00

A tiny baby slept on my chest for hours the other night and I couldn't do anything but sit there and hold him.

I felt better about the world than I had in a long time.

sleigh bells are ringing

2007-12-11T15:09:00.000-05:00

I don't have time for you, diary!

I'm sick today. And it's ice-raining outside. And it's slippery. Don't wear your cowboy boots out there, you'll fall for sure.

So, so much to get done and I can't move. But I also don't feel like sitting still. Maybe sleeping more, but I can't justify that.

Things to get done:

- bake for the party tomorrow
- get decorations for party
- buy Christmas gifts for fam
- buy Christmas gifts for friends
- buy ribbons and trimmings and things
- wrap gifts
- make cards
- get photos printed for cards
- deal with my emotional disfunctions
- get my coat-check cheque
- make money to pay for all these things I need to buy
- make the crafts I'm still planning on even though I obviously have no time
- play my scrabulous moves. Though I'm really not feeling it

I go home so soon, hey? Like so soon.
Next Monday.

Too much has gone one while I've not been updating. I couldn't even tell you.

I :

-lost and found my cellphone. I still don't know where it was found because I wasn't the one who retrieved it. Was pretty glad to get it back though

- worked a lot. A lot. But still I don't have any money. I'm still enjoying ACC because it's such a sweet job and I'm still totally going to get fired because I forget to do things like hand in my availability and stuff. I also did some coat-checking for Sam (boss at Big Chill) and it was alright, but still annoying.

- baby-sat a little. Ana continues to be remarkably cute and pretty charming and the baby, T-Rex, is ridiculous and smiles and stuff. I'm baby-sitting tonight too but only later at night.

- partied. Got pretty pretty drunk the other night with The Girls (Sarah, Steph, Solo, Julia) on mimosas and we ate a whole goddamn lot of truffle. So delicious. We lay around at Steph's house drinking and giving each other massages. This is what boys think that girls do on girls' nights but rarely actually happens. All those girls are so hot though, seriously.
I drunkenly called a bunch of people and left voice-mails that I have no recollection of. Embarrassing.

- Ate brunch a lot. So Much. I should have stock in Aunties. I love it there. Went there today with Ali and Note-Boat and we were joined by one of David's friends (who turned out to be meeting Hayden and co. but still sat with us, even though I told him I would choose Hayden Any Day. I love Hayden and I get the shakes when he's around. But you know that already). I love swiss cheese in the omelette.

- Ate a lot of poutine. Holy bejeezus, it's so good. I get veggie souvlaki and poutine with veggie gravy at Utopia. And I get full. And I get fat. And happy.

- Re-bonded with Sophia. We've been getting along fantastically these days. I'm enjoying her so much. We are good at doing things and planning things. One night we made Christmas cards for about 5 hours. And drank Christmas tea and watched a terrible Christmas movie (Santa Baby starring Jenny McCarthy. Don't watch it. Ever.)

-Continued bonding with Miranda. I'm always surprised at how funny I find her, and I really shouldn't be. We went to see Lars and the Real Girl and we loved it. I loved it so much. It made me feel so good inside.

- am now appearing in three commercials that are currently on-air. I have never been more famous and never felt more like a real actor. I wish I had the money to back up that feeling.

- now have my very own IMDB page!!!!! I am very excited about this and have been wanting one for oh-so long!

Plans I have:

- Christmas Birthday Party tomorrow night, which starts out with the Fancy Ladies' Dinner Party and is followed up by a boy-girl mixeroo. Having it over at Sophia's and we're getting together tomorrow to make a bunch of food and stuff. I think it'll be nice. I hope people actually come and party down.

- Stacy-Ann's Girls Christmas party on Friday. I'm pretty excited about this, I love girls-only stuff and I love dressing fancy and in red and exchanging gifts.

- The Adams and I are having a Christmas get together next Sunday where we bake together and watch Elf and Home Alone. This is the best idea. I'm very, very excited.

- Going home next Monday (LESS THAN A WEEK OMG OMG OMG) and then doing a whole lot of nothing. So much nothing is going to happen. Only:
----- baking
----- crafts
----- gift giving
----- value village shopping
----- tea drinking
----- Christmas movie watching
----- Baby-holding
----- Family bonding
Oh yeah yeah huh

- Birthday!

- Christmas!

I'm been sort of really quite down/moody/irritable-beyond-words these days and I'm trying to figure out what it is and what to do about it... so far... little progress. But I'll keep at it.

Okay. Time to get at 'er.

But I so don't want to.

I am not always mean you know

2007-11-28T17:47:00.000-05:00

Three days in a row! I'm avoiding doing actual writing! For sure!

I wonder if it were that I was as good of a poet as Bob Hicok, if then I would be completely content. Because, good god damn, is he ever good. And I feel as though my life would be complete if I could make words fulfill me in the ways that his do.

I am writing today. A bit. And editing. Which is just as important. There's some nice pieces for the next Et Puis? magazine. I hope.

I was in a much better mood yesterday. Which was great for all parties involved. I did a whole great lot of nothing all day. Well, played Scrabulous.

Work was good. Smooth and not stressful. Took my break with Note-boat and gave him a note. A note-bird this time, because when I am not being a tremendous bitch, I can be sort of sweet. Not usually though.
Luckily. Barf.

Went out for beer with Miranda afterwards. We were in particularly good moods and being giggly. I think I was hopped up on caffeine. We laughed for about 15 minutes straight over how I have to attend the ACC staff skating party with N-B. It wasn't even funny. It just was. Well. Staff skating parties are pretty dorky.
Miranda and I might go skiing. I haven't been skiing since elementary school. I can only assume that I will be very, very good at it.
I probably shouldn't have gone drinking since that interfered with my getting any work done. But you know I will always choose party above all.

I have a new niece! (or cousin, for those of you who value accuracy over emotion). I want to see her and squeeze her. But I'm sure she'll be even more exciting by the time I get home. Right?

Had brunch with Sophia at Aunties today. Waffles! Sophia and I were also overly-giggly. We need to get our sketches together. We have some pretty good ideas. And I'm pretty excited for playing my brother. I think it'll look good on me. And he's such rich material for sketches. I mean, he goes to Mennonite house-church! And he only likes guns and video games!
Frequently I wonder where he even came from.
That's what you get with donor sperm, I guess.

less than a month 'til, well, you know

2007-11-27T16:47:00.000-05:00

I only have half of a toenail. On my big toe. It's so sweet. And it doesn't hurt at all. It's pretty sick. I want to gross people out with it.

I did indeed make dinner. I made stew and biscuits and then apple crisp.
And Note-boat came over and we ate and I acted like a bitch. And no one was surprised. Wow, it's really such a shame that I have no idea how to relate to people or act like a human. I need to work on that.

I've started say 'scrabulous' unstead of 'fabulous'. That's just how addicted to scrabulous, via Facebook, I am.
N-B doesn't like it when I play scrabulous while he's over. He thinks that's rude.

I was in a bad mood yesterday. I've been in a bad mood a lot lately. I did go Christmas shopping though. But it was raining and I was very cold and damp.
And everything seems so much further when I can't ride my bike. I wish my bike had fenders. Those would sure be handy. I also wish my bike had a basket. Fuck yeah. That's what I want for Christmas. A bike basket.

King's College Choir is very good at singing Christmas carols.

I only want to listen to Christmas carols. And Clipse.
I love my iPod.

I'm getting excited for holiday parties. I really really really need to have one here before I go home. So badly. But I don't know where to have it or how to format it. I want there to be lots of people. But I want it to be small. And I want there to be eating and drinking. And lots of paying attention to me. Because it will also be my birthday party.

Oh birthday!

I think this is the year that I'm going to try and get people exactly what they ask for for Christmas. Unless, of course, I come up with something much better. Or unless it's for my brother, because Emry's lists tend towards the wildly optimistic and I'm always just going to get him clothes or something else equally annoying.

I think after work tonight I'm going to try and do some writing. Real-time writing. And organizing. I'd sort of forgotten my idea of putting together a collection of the best from my magazines. That'd be a good idea. Something a little less personal maybe. Maybe. But knowing me...

iPod! iPod!

2007-11-26T14:57:00.000-05:00

I have a new babe in my life. An iPod babe. He's pretty dreamy. The best part about him is how his back is like a mirror.
Well, maybe the best part about him is the music. Maybe.
I've never even owned a discman, let alone any sort of mp3 player. I still have a couple of walkmans though. So my tapes are still valid possessions. No reason to throw them out.

Can't believe it's been so long since I've updated. I've been busy? Not really. It's just that there's always a babe over here distracting me.
No, I've been busy too. I'm glad to have today off to compute and stuff. I'm feeling like maybe making dinner for my date and I. We'll see if that happens. I wouldn't count on it.

Especially after the madness which was the Grey Cup. Yeah, I guess I'm glad Saskatchewan won. I mean, that's good. I got a couple of necklaces. But, jesus, any large crowd is too annoying. Especially when I'm trying to unlock my bike in the middle of a giant rally (WE WON THE CUP WE WON THE CUP WE WON THE CUP, etc). Especially when they've knocked my bike the ground and are standing on parts of it. But my faith in Saskatchewanians was restored when a group of them all rallied around me to help me and my bike out of the melee.
Working the damn game was also a little over-the-top stressful. Especially since I had to work in the VIP bar, which means no money. But they wanted their best workers so me and Stacy brought it. And we pulled it off pretty beautifully, I'd say. I was even in an alright mood by the end. Our boss told us that he's going to try and get us some extra moneys for it. Those fucking cart girls though, they're the ones who did the best. Luckies.

OMG I want everyone to play their moves on Scrabulous so that I can play mine!

I'm starting to work coat-check at the fancy hotels downtown. Sam, my Big Chill boss, runs them. It's good in that I can say yes or no to shifts. But good god damn did I forget how much I really hate doing coat-check. It's so ridiculous. Mostly the length of the shifts. It's ridiculous. And the woman who manages them is already pulling the same kind of guilt-trip manipulation stuff that Sam pulls. Don't get me wrong, I love Sam. I really enjoy Sam now that I don't feel responsible to him and now that I'm good at avoiding his manipulation. But I hate when people pull that with me. The woman told me it'd be a four-hour training shift and then just didn't let me go home. So about six hours in I told her that I'd have to leave. She was expecting me to stay until 2:30 in the morning. That would've been a ten hour shift. Too much. Also there seemed to be a distinct lack of breaks there. And I hadn't prepared for that sort of shift and was overly-starved by the time I made it out of there.

Also, I hate working in fancy places. I'd rather attend fancy places and be fancy myself. I don't like service. This surprises no one.
I worked some sort of Scottish ball and I really really wanted to be going to it. I'm Scottish! There were lovely lovely kilts and giant shiny dresses.
Lately I've been longing for culture and heritage.
I should go eat some toffee or something.

I went for dinner at Note-Boat's mother's house on Friday. With his brother + girlfriend. It was pretty intense. I was just feeling fragile and not up to interacting properly I think. Who knows if they liked me? I guess it doesn't really matter. N-B made such a good dinner though. Eggplant parmesan and mushroom risotto and other good stuff. I love food.
It's hard entering into a situation where everyone is Best Friends and I am the outsider. I've never been good at meeting people or at being in situations where I feel uncertain.
I should grow up.

N-B met all my friends too last week. He came with me to SarahB's CD release and there were lots of peeps there. And he came and met me at the wrap party for Tearwater Tea. Yeah. We've been hanging out too much. As you can well imagine. And things are never as smooth with me as you'd want them to be, but I'm getting better.
Maybe.

I baby-sat Ana for the first time in awhile on Friday. Her aunt was having a baby so I picked Ana up from school and we played for a bit and then I took her down to the hospital to meet them. There's something about labour and new babies and tired mothers that makes me want to weep. Any sort of intense vulnerability gets to me. And any sort of mothering makes me tear up.

SarahJane came back from Mexico and brought me a talisman against broken hearts. She said she bought it from the oldest ugliest woman she could find, so it must be real.

There are lots of things that I'm missing writing about on here. But I do not feel like writing. I have a sneaking feeling that I might be really depressed these days, I just can't admit to it. Since, because I'm happy with N-B then what would I have to be sad about?

At least Christmas is coming coming coming coming coming so soon. And I've booked my flights home and I'm so excited to see my mum! And I think I'm going to go shopping today. Because I need to get it all done and at this rate no one's getting anything... And that would be terrible.

still don't feel guilty for not doing anything

2007-11-20T16:39:00.000-05:00

I'm tired. Still. Always.

I'd like to get my hands on some probiotics. Apparently the ones in yogurt really aren't enough to make a difference (probably make the yogurt itself digestible, but not much else). But I hear they're expensive, especially the good ones with tonnes of different strains. Might be worth it if my belly hurt less. It's been alright for the past couple of days and it's amazing. It's fantastic what being pain-free is like.

Being home alone is fantastic. Doing nothing and doing some hard-core catching up with my comp is awesome.
And eating my own food and watching my own TV is nice.

My date was real nice last night. There's really nothing that I want for when I'm spending time with him. And it's so easy (and by 'it's' I mean 'I'm'). We went for Ethiopian food at a place down the street. It was really great, I'd never eaten Ethiopian before. But I love lentils and ginger and weird fermented bread-type stuff, and I especially like eating with my hands, so it was good for me. I bet Niki would love it.
Then we watched Heroes, which I don't know about because I want clear definitions of who's bad and good. But I'm still into it.

Yesterday I went to yoga. FUCK I really hate exercise. I mean, I think I was just dealing with way too much residual stress and was way too tired. But I couldn't stop shaking and almost crying and wanting to leave. But I made it through. And it was okay. There was way too much repetition in that specific class though. If I have to do another downward dog, I'll barf.
I should go to aquafit, it's way less emotional and way more about dancing.
Note-Boat is overly into ice-skating, so apparently I'll be taking that up as well. I haven't been skating in years, but I like hot chocolate (and CHRISTMAS), so I feel like it's up my alley.

I returned my library things and responded to emails that I'd been irresponsible with. Today I am applying for jobs that I don't really have time for and writing bad poetry.

Adam called me yesterday just to tell me he misses me. Aww. I hope every director loves me that much. We're planning a Christmas party involving watching Elf and Home Alone and baking. Hells yeah!
He's promised cookies so thick with ginger and molasses that when you dip them in tea the molasses almost runs out.
I'm thinking of Christmas-shaped shortbread and of nutmeg sugar cookies. And fudge. I'm thinking of sugar sugar sugar sugar sugar sugar. Yes. Please.

this entry is too long!

2007-11-19T14:46:00.000-05:00

I am terrible at being busy. I have no concept of time management and I get selfish and I forget things and sabotage myself by not paying attention to what I need to get done. I feel like I've been away for days.
I have too many library items that are fantastically over-due.
I have not responded to offers of work which I so desperately need.
I failed to submit my work availability on time and if I do that once more then I could be fired. Which would be awesome because I rely completely on that unreliable source of income.
I have not paid bills I could pay solely because it takes too much effort.
I have not prepared for Christmas. No sir.

Okay. So I those things to do today. That's alright.
I have a Big Date tonight. I know it's a Big Date because we are going to dinner. And we planned it in advance (last night). I am thinking of dressing up for this event. Because that's how I roll.

Today's the day where Third finally gets a new nickname here. But since he only refers to me as 'Cheese Bro' (which is not romantic at all, nor even particularly charming, but it definitely amuses him), it doesn't make sense for it to be wonderful. So he can just be Note-Boat, because, well, that's easy andappropriate. And I like it.

I've been shooting for the past five days. We're finally all wrapped on 'Tearwater Tea' (which will be called something else at some point, but we're not sure what. I'm pushing 'Broken-Head Margaret', but we'll see).
It was really quite hard. Much harder than I'd expected. But Adam was great - so fun and never got anywhere near upset with me when I was having problems with handling it all. And all the crew were great. I genuinely liked nearly every one. Which is rare for me. I managed to spend 12 hour days with them and not want to punch anyone. Miracle!

The running and crying scene was difficult. Mostly difficult was hitting my marks. Continuity. When I'm pushing 'raw' emotion then trying to do the scene again hitting all the same marks and making the same faces... it's ridiculous.
Continuity is the biggest bitch of film acting.
Tamara and I were talking last night about how everything about film acting works directly contrary to acting in general. How little acting is involved and how technical everything gets.

The character was pretty opposite of me, what with a complete lack of emotion and an all-round emptiness. I got to smile exactly NO times in the scenes. I had to make up for it by being a moron around set and causing little ruckuses.

I still tried to socialize while shooting more than 12-hour days. I saw Note-Boat on Thursday but in a low-key way because I was exhausted. And I went and hung out with Steph and Solo on Friday night. I drank a glass of wine and a bottle of beer (really good beer that I can't remember the name of but it was aged in whiskey casks and was sort of sweet and delicious) and was much drunker than I should have been. Exhaustion + not drinking for a few days = I'm back to being more than lightweight.
We stopped by Julia's birthday party but I just wasn't in the mood for staying and didn't feel like meeting any more new people. So I got to bed at a reasonable time.

Saturday Note-Boat came over and we were supposed to go out but I was having a slight break-down from how stressed out I was (and hadn't noticed, which is how I handle stress, just ignoring it). But he was pretty amazing with dealing with me. Kind and stuff, but not coddling (which I'm always trying to solicit from people...). And even joked me out of it and managed to get me out of the house. Which was quite a feat because once I'm off, I'm usually pretty off for a bit.
But we went to see his friend play and I even managed to be charming and congenial. Helped, of course, by how I actually liked his friend a lot, and how he seemed genuinely pleased to meet me.
His friend new virtually everything about me. That's good because now there's pretty much nothing I could do to Note-Boat that is creepy. Even writing on my blog about him.

Yesterday I only had a couple of scenes to do. But after I was done I went with Sophia to return set stuff to Ikea and Home Depot and stuff. We spent a good couple of hours driving around. We wandered through the massive amounts of Christmas at Ikea and ate frozen yogurt ($1? seriously? If I worked there I'd be the fattest/happiest ever). We slowed down to admire the houses with over-done lights and sang our favourite pop Christmas carols.
Then I hung around set (Sophia's house for that day) and ate and visited with Marika.
I went home for about an hour then went and met Tamara to see some sketch comedy.
We went to see her friends The Dance Party of Newfoundland. They were really pretty amazing. I tried to find a video of the sketch I liked most, but failed. They do have some pretty sweet videos up on their myspace page. Apparently they've won best in this sketch fest. Which makes sense because they were really spot on. Characters I liked and wanted to see more of, jokes that would never have occurred to me, originality. Tam and I spent time hanging with one them, and he was very funny and I was too tired to not make bad jokes. But I'm still funny though. Seriously. seriously.
I need to see more sketch. And I need to actually start my stupid sketch troupe with Sophia and Aaron and Beau. For realz. And I badly want it to be called either "The Baby-Sitting Club" or "I forget".

My stomach has been upset for the past five days. It makes me want to die. I'm considering cutting down on the dairy. And wheat, maybe. I don't know what else to do. Except that limits what I can eat to virtually nothing. Especially since my sugar addiction is extreme and I'd like to cut that back.
I should try digestive enzymes maybe. And eating less. Yeah. I'm queen of eating until I feel ill and then still eating more. And then as soon as there's any room, eating more.
Set is awful though, there's so much food and so much eating. I'm going to have to learn to control myself. Something I have never, ever been good at. About anything.

I'm debating whether to do something productive with my afternoon or whether to lie around and dream of Christmas...

that's the way the pork

2007-11-13T16:29:00.000-05:00

I hate running. I don't know if I've ever mentioned how much I 100% hate running. It annoys me and feels pointless. So you know how excited I am to be jogging in the rain for four hours tomorrow morning. But at least I get to film. Film for four days straight. I am getting a little nervous and little excited. I love sets. As much as I hate running, I love filming more.
We meant to do much more rehearsing for this than actually happened. I'm a little nervous because of this. But still. I'm excited for crew and set and props and things. Mmmmhmmmm

I emailed my agent to tell him about the shoot and he called me this morning just to check in and make sure it was all good and find out more about it. I really, really like my agent. Even when he's not making money off me, he's still looking out for me.
I wish I wasn't half asleep when he called. I don't really remember what we were saying.
I went back to sleep and had a dream that I was on Ellen. Except I didn't remember shooting it, I just happened upon it on TV. I was really excited. It's my goal to be on the Ellen show. Obviously.

My phone is such a piece of shit. Which is silly because I was getting kind of into it. It is really tiny and sort of addicting to touch. But it has started this annoying habit of beeping loudly while I'm talking to important people and cutting them off and pretending its about to die even though it should be perfectly charged up. And then when I plug it in, after about ten minutes, it says (all self-satisfactorily) Charging Completed!.
What a bitch.

Been hanging out with Miranda a lot lately. She's probably going to flunk out of law school because she likes to go shopping with me and eat brunch instead of doing her homework. We went shopping on Friday, out on Friday night, and out for brunch (at Victory - so good - still no Aunties, but since it didn't have a line-up on the weekend and the baby spinach and goat-cheese omelette was sooo good...) on Saturday.

I got schmammered (as Stephanie would say) on Friday. Drinking at Miranda's house with her buds, then meeting up with Sarah and Dana at Beaconsfield and doing shots with my Sask-a-bud Shayne and then meeting up with Stephanie and Geoffrey and co. at Dakota. Holy b-jesus. A whole lot of running around.
Dana and I still have not made up or discussed how she was in a fight with me. I felt a little strange about that.

Saturday working was really fun. Unfortunately I have been less than discreet about my crush on Third there, and now he's followed suit with his interest in me. This leads to everyone knowing. But so I enlisted Ali's help (she was working a few stands down from me) to make lists about what Third and I could do on our date.
UGH. I totally can't find those lists and I really want to scan them into the comp and post them. They're too good.
Anyway, we got really hyper and ran around the ACC and went and found Third and read him the lists. Which was probably the highlight of the night. Ali and I both put "Get matching tattoos" on the lists. She also put
-"go ice-skating at Nathan Phillips Square" (yeah, there's definitely no ice there)
-"go to the woods, cut down a tree, bring it home and decorate it while enjoying hot cocoa together"
-"enter a couples' fishing derby, come in last on purpose"
My list was much too long.
We, of course, ended up doing absolutely nothing on the lists. We ended up just having a beer at Magpie and then hanging out here.
Ali and I are really really funny together. Sometimes I forget that.

On my way to work on Sunday I totally got doored (by which I mean a stupid motorist opened their stupid door while I was biking by them). But it was a slow-mo dooring. And I was alright. But still a little bit shaken.

Stephanie and I went to see Fred Claus yesterday afternoon. It was pretty good. Well, it was alright. Yeah. It did have an awful lot about Christmas in it, so you know I liked it. I totally go The Golden Compass snack combo and now I have a Golden Compass bucket. I have no idea what I'm going to do with it.
And we had dinner. We had dinner Sunday night too, actually. This is a bad habit. I need to learn to not socialize every minute.

Hung out with Third again last night. Incubate and bond, etc. But I don't even care. Because I do not make negative statements. Or at least I try not to...

6:30 a.m. call tomorrow. Work tonight. I've been feeling ill for the past three days (because that's what my body is about!). I wonder if I'm going to be prepared enough for tomorrow...

I am a good person, I have good patterns and habits

2007-11-09T13:44:00.000-05:00

you: Hey Meredith, how was your date the other night?
me: Funny thing that since I can't talk about it since some people read other people's diaries. Even the bad parts where soul patches are heavily mocked... It's funny how he knows bits of my jargon because of this.
I did run into JessicaUpton during it though. Who is now only referred to as "Jesse", apparently. I really like her, I think she's funny. Third made the mistake of asking her opinion of his soul patch and she leaned in and said "That. That is heinous." Wow. I really found that amazing. Also, rude, of course. But things that are rude can be excused by how hilarious they are.

I'm cleaning today. I took the day off yesterday (well, I did the dishes, so not quite), but now I need to get back at 'er. And it's still dirty here. And messy. And things aren't exactly how I'd like them to be. But it's looking better. I'm especially pleased with my tiny Christmas display (gifts by the teeny tiny tree) and my packed book-shelves.

Whatever I'm most involved with thinking about is what I feel like I desperately need to be doing. For instance, I was just watching stand-up on TV and now I am convinced that it's my calling in life. No but really. Why am I the funniest person ever and yet I have no idea how to use it?
I think I'd be best at story-telling stand-up. Or maybe one-liners like Mitch Hedberg. Who is still my favourite.
I need to develop a stand-up character, those comics are always my favourites, the ones with ridiculously distinct styles.
Hmmmmmmm.

Frequently when I get drunk (every day) I tell people about how I want to do a little boy voice-over for a series some day. It's a weird thing to bring up constantly.

Worked last night and made good money and it was busy but smooth and I was in a good mood. And I was making fun of people a lot. Which is probably my favourite thing (and why I want to have a talk show). I really like some of my co-workers.

I tried to take the streetcar there because it was cold and windy and raining but the streetcar didn't come and didn't come and so I finally went back home and got my bike (because biking is at least twice as fast) and when I got all suited up and on my bike I discovered that the chain was off. So I tipped the bike upside down in the rain and wrangled the damn thing back onto its track. Then biked in the cold and saw a biker get hit by a car (and really regretted my lack of helmet. I mean. Dammit. I always wear my helmet Mum), but she was okay and everyone was stopping to help her so I didn't. And by the time I got to work I was soaked right through. But still in a fine temper.

Went for beer with Sophia and Marika afterwards. We tried lots of different kinds at Magpie. I thought I didn't like Magpie, but in fact, I do. Alex and Paul and co were there and we joined them for smoke breaks but sat at opposite ends of the place. I like little interactions like that. We drank quite quickly and I became drunk (oh who's ever surprised at that anymore). I fell off my bike while trying to get onto it. Classy. And ridiculous. Luckily I lived quite close.

Wow Monster is so my favourite R.E.M. album. I like it even better than Automatic for the People. Or Up. As a whole. It has a tone to it that's familiar and addicting. I love Bang and Blame especially. And Strange Currencies. I know that Strange Currencies is similar to Everybody Hurts, but I find it less obvious, more comforting somehow.
Star 69 is pretty out-dated now. And still awesome. And Crush with Eyeliner is excellent. Especially since I assume that the crush would be a dude-babe.

SPEAKING OF WHICH. I'm tired of people assuming that babes are women. Anyone can be a babe. Even dudes. It's actual odd how little I use the words 'guy' 'boy' 'man', etc because of the overuse of the term 'babe'. Thank you Charlotte for bringing that into my life.

I do not have things ready for Christmas. Ugh. Not even close. I got all into it for a bit there but I seem to have fallen off the wagon. I got a remarkably big paycheque today that I'm sure I didn't earn, but whatevers, still going to buy too many gifts gifts gifts gifts.
Sigh.

I LOVE PARIS HILTON AND NICOLE RICHIE.
There I said it.
It's out there.

It's Niki's birthday today. We had breakfast at Aunties. For once in my life I did not have the omelette. I didn't even have waffles. I strayed far. Far, right over to the Pan Bagnat. With Swiss. It was pretty nice. Too oily though, but I knew that'd be the case. It was really quite a nice breakfast, we made several hilarious jokes and came up with even more awkward things to say during sex. What fertile ground for jokes.
I like saying fertile to rhyme with turtle.

Planning on making cookies. Maybe visiting with Miranda. Maybe combining the two. The girl who's doing wardrobe for Tearwater Tea is going to come over today to go through my wardrobe for filming. I've never met her before. Interesting to have strangers go through my stuff. I don't mind. I'm not if not honest.

Stopping with negative statements is such a tricky business. It's hard. Even that is a negative statement. There's a lot of negatives in the way I interact. It comes with being cynical and sarcastic (which are traits I've groomed in myself and which have been instilled by my dear fam).
Tricky tricky tricky

I am pack-rat, I probably deserve mice

2007-11-07T13:38:00.000-05:00

I hate cleaning. I hate hate hate hate hate hate cleaning. I keep just lying down instead of cleaning.
I'm at the stage (and have been for a full day) where everything is out and I am cleaning things that I have never, ever cleaned before. I guess after 3.5 years, it's about time.
I'm completely taking everything apart and re-organizing and beautifying. I think my shelves are going to become my new headboard. And we alllll know what a good builder I am. I'm thinking about tying them together with wire. I can't think of a better idea, so...

Rehearsal with Adam last night. First time meeting the woman who will play my aunt. She seems nice enough, and she's much better than any of the women I saw at auditions. It's hard to find a non-union actor 40+ who will work for free and is any good.
Adam's grandma had sent him a care-package and I ate way too many dainties. Did you know that 'dainties' is a prairie word? And British, I think.
I like Adam. I stayed around watching The Rick Mercer Report afterwards. They visited the U of S and I felt homesick. Sighhhhh.

Lately I've been reading a novel at night after I'm done watching all my shows (and when I'm sober enough to make out the words). I was feeling pretty great about it, but I realized they're mostly all teen fiction. I started reading an actual adult novel last night and I totally didn't finish it. Maybe tonight.
I always feel a lot better when I'm reading a lot.

Dammit. I went through the internet trying to make this diary not come up immediately on searching for me. But it's still there. Even though those words aren't in those entries anymore, they're still there.
Hmmmmm.
So we'll be hearing much less about everything. Mmmhmmm.

And since even I forgot I had a locked blog, I can't see myself going back to it anytime soon. Although I'm a big fan of the locked bits.

Brunch with Sophia! Then back to cleaning. It's my goal to have in decent shape by the time I go out tonight. Possible? I don't even know, it's such a disaster.
Possible!

I am a clean and tidy person. No but really though.

2007-11-06T14:24:00.000-05:00

The best way to get the house clean is by having one big mess that I just don't want to think about/deal with. Then I just clean everything else while I'm avoiding it, telling myself I'll get to it real, real soon.

I bought this Life brand bio-friendly cleaner. I hate the smell of it. But it does work real nice. My tub is shinier than since I moved in probably. Because I'm just that gross. No, it's nice though. Today I CLR'ed the kitchen sink, which is badly rusted (because I never do the dishes). It didn't work as well as the commercials implied it would. Disappointing.
I even did laundry yesterday! But then I left it in the bags and now everything is dreadfully wrinkled. I could probably use an iron for Christmas, if anyone felt like getting me something real boring.

I left the house a bunch yesterday and spent thirty dollars at Shoppers. That store steals all my money. Except I only bought necessities. I got soaked in the rain running back and forth from the laundrymat. But I don't mind getting completely drenched when I don't have anywhere to be. It's sort of refreshing and nice. And very cold.

I had left-over brownie cupcakes from Tam's birthday which I never iced. But you know what's better with brownies than icing? Butter!
And that's why I'm fat.

Nothing's new. I'm only updating to avoid cleaning. I'm hoping real hard that I'll get this place properly cleaned/organized so that I can only upkeep its cleanliness. Right now it's such a messy disaster, with little messes hidden everywhere, that it's possible to make it look nice, but impossible to have it actually be tidy.
I'm going to get another job to afford proper furniture. I found a great (ugly) metal desk on the street the other night. It's going to be my sewing/craft area. I need to rearrange EVERYTHING just in order for it to fit in the damn place.

I've decided to stop with my negative statements about myself. I'm hoping to stop saying things about how messy I am or about how terrible I am at relationships or about how I'm never prepared enough for auditions/gigs. Because I need to stop believing those things. Obviously.

I ate all the cheese.
And everything that I want to eat involves cheese.

braggart and drunkard

2007-11-05T14:09:00.001-05:00

It's raining.
This means I don't want to leave the house.
But. I'm ridiculously close to being out of toilet paper (this happens EVERY time. It really is a wonder how I just don't learn).

I had a dream last night that my iPod came and it was a magical iPod that was more wondrous than I'd ever dreamed.
I also had a dream I fell off a horse and had internal bleeding and all my friends were hurt too and we hung out in a hospital/film set complex. I've always had a weird desire to have a hospital stay. I have no idea why. Because I crave attention, I suppose. I would want everyone to come and visit me and bring me things.
I don't actually want to be ill though. Just in case you were wondering.

Hmmm. I've been debating writing the latest story about Third because he could, in theory, find this blog and read it and then make judgements, etc.

Whoa I just got caught up in reading back-entries on diaryland and it made me feel a little bit ill. Past me is so irritating sometimes. And judgemental. And rude.

Anyway, I worked on Friday and I hadn't seen Third in weeks and was getting tired of having a crush that wasn't ever around. And I sleuthed that he was at work, but nowhere near me. Because I'm impatient like that. So I wrote him a note and folded it into a boat and gave it to another supervisor to give to him. Which she did and he called on Saturday and we made plans for Wednesday! Sooo... yes. I can't just let things be. He thought the boat was a hat. I told him he really just didn't get me.

Friday night I met up with Steph and Solange at Octopus to dance. We bothered Sarah and drank too much. Obviously.

Saturday I baked brownies for Tamara's birthday and went to a potluck at her house. It was some good food and nice to see Alex and Paul and peeps again. My stomach hurt afterwards. But I pushed through it.
Met up with Steph and SC to see Sweet Thing. Drank and drank. Tried to dance but my stomach hurt. It was a good set. SC left right afterwards. He's so bizarre. He takes my rude comments pretty well though. Steph and I stayed and visited with one of my skydome co-workers, Lee, and his friends, who were Humber comedy kids at the same time that I was an Film + TV kid. I need to get into the comedy scene here. Like you don't even know.
Jack told me (seriously) I was not funny, or not "haha" funny the other night. I was beyond hurt. Isn't that hysterical? Then he proceeded to laugh at everything I said, only proving himself wrong.

Steph and I were on our way out but then ended up staying in the 'reserved' section of the club with the band until, well, last call. My stomach stopped hurting because I just drank right through the pain. I visited with Nick and taught him about text messaging. I think he was more drunk than I'd seen him in awhile. I also bothered Morganwaters so much. I need to get on his new TV and I think he should know that I'm serious about it. Which I am. Seriously serious. He was excited to have seen me on MTV and I was excited that he was excited.

After last call Steph and I went to Octopus, which decided to serve for an extra hour on account of daylight savings. I don't remember much about being at Octopus except that I was too drunk to drunk-text inappropriate people and I kept dropping my phone. Apparently I was hump-dancing for an awkwardly long time at the end of the bar. HILARIOUS. I decided to leave after I'd dropped my phone for the fourth time. Apparently Drew Barrymore got there right after I left and she was loaded too, so whatever, all celebrities (like me and Drew) have to be drunkards.

Sunday I was hung over. I made it to brunch at Steph's but I was more than an hour late. Hung out there with Sarah and Julia and they fed me. Then Steph and I watched MTV for an hour hoping to see me. But instead we just saw too much Morganwaters. He out-famoused me again. Quelle big surprise.

Last night I went for dinner with Niki at Musa. The food was really really good. When it finally got there. But it took forever. Forever.

I stayed up until 4 reading an S. E. Hinton novel. I'm planning on doing a lot more reading today. There was a box of teen fiction out in front of my neighbour's house the other day, so I stocked up.

I need to stop talking about how famous I am. It's silly.

I hope I have auditions this week. I'm going into proper rehearsals for Tearwater Tea (Adam's film I'm in) this week and we're shooting next week. Mmmhmmm.

This is the life... especially with Christmas so so so ridiculously close.

I would lick your feet, but is that the sickest thing?

2007-11-02T16:28:00.000-04:00

Guess who was on Access Hollywood? THIS GUY.
I think I've been going on about this way too often lately but I'm very excited about it. Very. Still.
And you know what this means: I still know how to get excited. It's still something I have in my repertoire. I'm glad.
Anyway, it was a feature on the Final 24 episode I'm in, a bunch of people saw it and told me about it. Then my mum found it on the internet. My mum is really quite obsessed with me. Quelle surprise.
Right now the link is here. But it keeps on changing. But if you go there and it's not the right video just search Final 24 Jim Morrison.

I can only assume that Jonathan Taylor Thomas saw it and is now in love with me, as I am with him.

Of course.

My voice-over audition was fun yesterday. But I didn't do enough warm-ups at home because I was so concerned with getting everything ready to go to set. So I was tripping over my words a bit. But I still love voice work and still want to do a voice for a series very soon.

Shooting the PSA was neat. On my way there I saw all these big trucks and things and I thought "aww they're shooting a movie" but then it turned out to be my set!
It was a good shoot. Running more than on time and everyone was extremely friendly and helpful. Being the star of stuff is way, way more fun than being background. Everyone dotes on me and that's my favourite. And I love having my hair and make-up done. It all feels like a treat and not like work.
It'll be strange when I start getting harder jobs and it feels more like proper working. I'm still looking forward to it.
Apparently CTV bought all of Chum's stations except CityTV which was bought by Rogers. How complex is that?
But, so, this PSA is made by CTV so there's a lot of stations it might be on. We'll see!

After shooting I went and got a new cellphone. I hate cellphones. And the salesman was no good. At all. I finally picked a super cheap one. WHATEVER. It still cost me too much and it's still stupid, but I'm banking on the fact I'm going to be rich very soon and therefore be able to get a new, better one.

Had dinner with Sophia, who I never see anymore. She working allll the time and has a boyfriend. I miss the springtime when I was one of her only friends and she'd bother me to hang out. Sigh.

Went to Nick's show with Miranda. It was so good. I think I'm always a little bit surprised at how good it is. I definitely like Nick's solo stuff even more than I like Sweet Thing these days. And I said hi to the boys but we didn't stay for the other acts. Miranda had a school pub night to go to (it seems like she does more partying for law school than work) and I went by our dance party night.
SarahJane has decided to take off to Mexico for a couple of weeks and we've decided to only have the nights once a month. Which is good. It was ridiculously dead last night. I would've stayed and properly broke it down but my stomach decided to go nuts. Sometimes my stomach is my worst enemy. Though lately it's really been alright. Which is good considering how many terrible things I put into it.

E-Bow the Letter is my favourite song these days. It's hitting something inside in just the right way.

Miranda and I went for brunch at aunties this afternoon and it lasted a good two hours. Maybe more. David gave us mugs of hot pear juice (they poach the pears to go with the waffles and banana pancakes) while we were waiting and after we were done our brunches Russ gave us some waffles he'd made too many of. So good.
Solo's BF Geoff was there and he's buds with David and so we just talked to them for forever. I'm a big fan of Geoff, he's funny and nice in the right ways. I love couples where I like both partners equally. It's sort of rare, but it gives me hope.
Which I need sometimes.

I got called in to work tonight again. More money!

Tomorrow is Tamara's birthday potluck and I've agreed to make the cake! I haven't made a cake here! I want to make brownies a little bit instead. We'll see. She said I could make whatever. But seriously, brownies with coffee icing? Gah!

It still doesn't feel like Hallowe'en though

2007-10-31T15:55:00.000-04:00

I totally acquired a giant bottle of vodka. And I totally drank alone last night. MUCH to my mother's disapproval.
BUT
I'm feeling better today. So maybe drinking does help. And I always wake up earlier when I go to bed drunk. I don't know why.

AAAAANNNNNDDDD I bought myself an iPod while I was drunk! Yay! A 30 gig video one. I want it to come soon! Oh god I'm so excited.
I was very jealous on account of I bought my mum an iPod for her birthday/Christmas present and it got to her yesterday and so she wasn't paying attention to me on the phone, she was only paying attention to her electronics. Bitch.

I want my iPod! And I want it to work!

(An aside: I don't capitalize the word 'Christmas' because of its God connotations, I capitalize it because Very Important to me)

And I got the most annoying text message of my life at about 2:15 yesterday morning and I threw a fit and then... REPLIED. I do not know what's wrong with me. There's something wrong. I'm an idiot. I can't believe myself sometimes.
I had said to him "please don't bother me at 2 in the morning anymore" and he said "I wasn't going to!" and he put the crazy on me: like I make up the fact that exactly every single time when I am one hundred percent over him and it's all done then he does this!
And THEN we texted for a bit and then he sort of blew me off. Holy F.
I don't even like him. As a person, I mean.
I had no interest in speaking with him at all anymore. And I thought I really wouldn't. But I am can't help but try to win. And I lost so hard. I lost as soon as I opened the phone.
He's impossible to explain his off behaviour to.
And, he'd assumed that I'd sent him a happy birthday message. Which I most certainly had not. So he is always assuming he is winning and therefore he is.

Sometimes being me is such a regrettable thing.

Tomorrow I shoot the PSA. Which is neat!
Aaand I have a voice over audition in the morning. I love voice over. I want to be a voice actor all the time.
When I have a bit of money I'm going to invest in a really great demo reel. Then I'm going to make billions of dollars for very little work.
I'd my goal to do a little boy voice at some point. Even if I have to write my own damn show to get it done.

I was just so sad yesterday. I almost started crying in the Bell store. I do hate Bell and they were busy screwing me in all holes (not in a hot way). But still.

I ran into SarahJane and she and I hung out and got coffee and talked about being sad and I felt a bit better.

I got called to go in to work tonight. Which means money!
I'm a little bit dressed up like a 60s actress, and I plan on giving myself a bit of a beehive maybe. I bought fake eyelashes and I want to wear them. And I think I'll wear it all to work. It'll look great with my sporty uniform. Mmhmm.

If I don't see Third soon, the crush is off. He hasn't been at work when I have been at all lately. Annoying.
One of the supervisors was in another episode of Final 24, she was in the Keith Moon episode and also played the GF and also got to find him dead.
I suggested we could re-enact our re-enactments in interpretive dance form. She seemed pretty interested I guess.
Everyone at work is an actor. Everyone everywhere is an actor.

Right now, as we speak, Naomi is submitting the information for me to have my very own IMDB page. Oh so hot. I'm totally going to add like one hundred pictures of myself onto it so that everyone can see what a total sexpot I am.
(I accidentally first spelt 'sexpot' as 'sextop'. Also accurate.)

I need more crushes. I need to feel hopeful about stuff. I need something to get excited about.

My hair is so hot. I wish I worked on a TV show and got my hair done every day and maybe got a tonne of extensions and it was all body and curly. Yeah.....

Not feeling sad is so much more fun than feeling sad. I'm wondering if I can keep this up.

I think Hallowe'en just passed me by somehow

2007-10-29T14:42:00.000-04:00

I ripped my favourite pair of pants. So badly. I can't wear them anymore and I don't think they're patchable. My only pair of khakis. I'm going to need to get another pair because commercial auditions often call for khakis, weirdly enough.
My black flats are also wrecked. There's a metal piece coming out of the bottom which keeps catching on things and making me almost fall. Fun!
I want ankle boots! And black work shoes that are comfortable, warm, and sexy? Is that even possible?

I was running so late for my audition this morning that I had to take a cab which cost way too much money and I still only got there right on time, which is late really.
The TTC is frustrating. Sometimes I just need transit to run on time. I also need to learn how to be early for things.
My bike is still out of commission and I neeeeed it. But I'm unsure how to go about fixing it. I'm a baby. It's ridiculous that a bike ride is faster than a cab ride in this city. And probably double-time to the TTC.
Luckily it's cold out.

If I had an iPod I'd liking walking even better. I broke out my walkman the other day and it made a difference. Until it started eating the tape. Amazing.

My audition this morning was kind of hard because I was supposed to act all crazy. Big is hard. Funny is hard. It was still fun.
Today has just felt like one of those days.

EXCEPT that my agent called to say that I booked a public service announcement commercial. I think it's about equality and it'll be on MTV/Much. Ha, I'll become over-exposed to just that one audience.
Yay. It's still non-union, and doesn't pay great. But I'm realizing how few shifts I'm getting at ACC these days. And I need money money.

I had auditions Thursday, Friday and today. I wish I had them every day, except the days where I was shooting. That'd be so sweet though.

Thursday's dance party was good. I worked the door so I didn't dance much. Some of my friends came and I didn't really realize they'd come because of me. I was pretty tired and out of it. Funny. We just recycled the previous theme because we were too busy to make a new one.
Nathan came by and then I went with him afterwards and we got pizza and then found Shayne and got dial-a-bottle (seriously Ontario, no off-sale? really?) and hung out at Shayne's until six in the morning. Because I party all the time and that's how I roll.
I adore Nathan. He's one of my favourites for sure. We had girltalk for maybe the first time ever. I was prying into his private life and stuff. But it was nice. It seems like he's even kinder these days, more careful, more care-taking, sweet. We had a good talk about his music and made some good jokes.

I took Friday off from partying. I just slept all day really. And tried to do some work at night. But I mostly just watched TV on the internet.

Saturday I worked at Skydome and then at ACC. Double shifts are hard on me since I'm so remarkably used to never working at all. But ACC called me in and I wanted to see Third and I mostly REALLY neeeeed money (I may have mentioned). But Third wasn't even there and it wasn't very busy at all.
I have told way, way too many people that I have a crush on Third. I don't mean to. But it's boredom. And I love having crushes. But I do need to keep my damn slut mouth shut.
Mum doesn't like the word slut. JFYI.
I told people I'd tell them if they could guess. But then everyone guessed right. Dammit.

After work on Saturday I went out to Octopus with Stephanie, her BF, and Solange where SarahJane was working for Steph's birthday. It seems as though Steph and Solo are going to be players in stories, so I will give you back story. I met them on the Grand Analog video shoot. They are good friends are SarahJane's and BFFs of each other. I like both of them a lot a lot. Solo has the type of confidence I wish I had, the wild self-assurity and beauty. And Steph is classic and put-together and obviously beautiful.
After Octopus we went to Solo's house and ate left-overs from their dinner (including the best sweet potato pie I've ever ever eaten) and then I went home before I fell asleep in the arm-chair.

Yesterday I did a bit of work and cleaned up a bit. I had sushi with Devon and Naomi. I do like them both but it does get tiring talking about "the biz" and about all the stuff we should be doing. I mean, we should be doing everything. But we're not. We should be doing short films and sketches and comedy and stand-up and improv classes and theatre and putting up our own plays and entering the fringe and and and and and and
It's just frustrating after awhile.
And not too helpful to just talk and talk about it.

I wish I felt as successful as I seem.

If you had told 14-year-old me that I would have national commercials running, that I be a TV show that's airing internationally, that people would want to write roles just for me... well, I would've been in rapture, I would have been unbelievably excited, I would've fallen over I think.
I think I've lost the ability to be truly excited. Except about hilarious things.
I need to work on that.
Yes yes I'm going to work on my sense of excitement, my ability to express joy, my ability to be warm with people.

It just doesn't make any sense how sad I am today.

This is going to be a long holiday season...

2007-10-25T13:03:00.000-04:00

TWO MONTHS TIL CHRISTMAS.

You have about one week until we are completely overwhelmed with Christmas Christmas Christmas. Get ready. AHhhh.
Already stores like Pier One and Homesense on Yonge are after my own heart. What huge gorgeous displays. And The Bay was putting up all their lights. Sigh Sigh double sigh.

I'm so paranoid all the time about being late for things. But then I'm still always late. I woke up much earlier than I had to today because I was scared I would over-sleep and miss my audition this afternoon, which is not until 3 pm. Hmm.
I'm hung-over. Again.
And I'm planning on partying for the next three nights at least. I think. Hallowe'en weekend. I have given absolutely no thought to what I should go as. Or even if I'll dress up. Maybe I'll go as "your mom got drunk and embarrassed you" again. That was a successful costume. I love smeared lipstick. And the costume only gets better as the night wears on. And you get to yell at people. I like costumes that come with a character and ways to behave.

Tonight is our S.O.S. dance party again at White Orchid. I hope there's people I don't know and babes to hit on.
I'm not working so I can't make Third come. Which is highly annoying. Maybe he asked Google about me and Google sent him here and he'll know to come to the party.
Because everyone is obsessed with me.

Hung out with SarahJane yesterday. Had lunch and discussed plans and Getting Shit Done.

Went to Grand Analog's show at Mod Club. He was opening up for Shad. It was really fun. And good. I think. I was a little drunk. A lot drunk. That's how I roll. I went through the crowd and gave S.O.S. dance party cards to all the cute boys. It took way more bravery than I thought. I chickened out a couple of times.
We went out drinking with some peeps afterwards. I might have slipped off the babe-train. But that's okay because... well. Hmm. I guess because it has to be. And because it's a non-drama situation. Yes. That's why.
I like Third best.

I have no patience.

Pusha T got the key he can unlock ya

I turned on the heater. I've been sitting and shivering for an hour. I give up. It's autumn.
I want it to snow! Especially since my bike is down. I like walking in the snow. Yesss Christmas.

My audition is by a Value Village. Trouble.

TWO MONTHS TIL MY BIRTHDAY

2007-10-24T14:47:00.000-04:00

I'm slightly hung-over and sore in every part from too much working out yesterday. I think I'm even more out of shape than I'd feared.
I do not like working out. I do not like exercise where I notice that it is exercise. It seems pointless. I have better things to do. Like watching TV. And sleeping. I need an iPod. So badly. At least then I could get some fucking books on tape or something to listen to or something.
The Y is giving me a session with a personal trainer. Hmmm. We're going to work out a work out plan. I hope involves very little working out.
I'm going to try going to a lot of aquafit and dance classes. Those feel a lot less like work.
I want all my friends to join the gym with me, give me motivation and stuff.

I'm very angry with Rogers as it seems that I won't, in fact, get to watch MTV because that's one of the very few channels they refuse to preview for me. And it would cost an extra $25/month to see it. What? Ridiculous.
The Final 24 episode about Jim Morrison is airing in the states on Hallowe'en and then all the time after that looks like. I'm so famous. I still don't know when it'll air here.

My work crush is not in love with me. I see no other explanation as to why he wouldn't constantly seek me out and pay attention to only me and pursue me outside of work. I have no patience for crushes. I don't even like having crushes. Except for when it's exciting. Then I do for realz.
Aw, I do like him though. I do like babes. Too much.

Went to see Carolyn Mark last night with Tamara. Dakota Tavern is one of my favourite bars that I rarely go to. I always feel like I'm in a different city when I'm in there. Like maybe Nashville. Or Thunder Bay at least.
My Sloan-friend Gregory was playing in her band and invited me. I hadn't seen him since he moved here so I felt like I should go. Also, I'd heard many good things about Carolyn Mark. And she was really good and fun. But I think I liked the two openers even better. NQ Arbuckle and Rich Hope. Both were amazing and dancey and I felt like I was at a really cool hoe-down. The dad I baby-sit for was there. It's funny to be in a social situation with someone who you work for... especially if the work is being in their house and interacting properly with their most prized possessions. But I like that dad. And it was nice to see Gregory and nice to have Tam there to dance with.

Dreamt last night that I was pregnant, almost at full-term, with my friend's BF's baby. Hmm. I realized I had been spending so much money on beer and eating out that there was no way I was going to be able to afford a crib. No worries, I thought, I am all alone anyhow, she can just sleep in my bed. Also, it was going to be a little black baby girl and I thought there's no way I'm going to know how to do her hair. Also, I was refusing to move back to Saskatoon so I was constantly on the phone to my mother who was my long-distance lamaze partner.

I think I'm overly-lonely.

TWO MONTHS AND ONE DAY UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY

2007-10-23T13:03:00.000-04:00

For a few minutes there this morning, it was feeling like everything was going to irritate me to the point of distraction today. But I seem to have calmed down.

I was awoken by an overly-long phone call from Rogers. Rogers is obsessed with me and my services from them. They are obsessed with offering me free things in order to prove how excited they are to have me as a customer. Today they offered me all the specialty channels for free for one month. The trick is I have to remember to cancel them before the month is up otherwise I'll be charged $45 on top of my other fees. Ew. I'll remember though.
BUT.
You know what this means?
This means I'm going to see my MTV commercial!!!!! On TV!!! And I'm going to tape it. Is that dorky? Yesssss yes.
I will no longer be the only person I've ever met that hasn't seen it (who knew that so many people had MTV).
Hurrah!
I hope I also get to see Cock'd Gunns and other ones that exist only on channels that are too rich for my blood. Ohhh Movie Network...

I went to pick up the pictures of AlexPB. Overall I am not impressed with myself on this shoot. I wish that we'd done another roll. I wish I knew how to a) focus a camera and b) trust my light meter. But some of them are quite beautiful, I think.

This one is well-photoshopped by the developing guy. It looks strange but I sort of like it.

I like the hair. I don't know if it's usable because of that... but I think it's neat.

Yesterday when I went to get on my bike I discovered that my back tire is so flat that it's loose. Wow. I depend on that bike. So much.
But luckily I didn't have anywhere where I HAD to be. So I spent hours just walking around the city. Walking really slows everything down. In a bad way, but also I notice everything so much more. It's just easier to pay attention.

I went to the Y to make an appointment to renew my membership. Which is today. !!! I'm going to be fit! (We'll see...) I have to run in the short that Adam's making with me and lord knows I am not a runner. I have never ever ever liked running. I'm going to try and be at least a bit better at it by the time we shoot in a few weeks.

I Christmas shopped a bit. But mostly I shopped for me. Because that's what I do when I realize I don't have a proper job and will probably run out of money very very quickly.
I bought two new bras. They were on sale at Jacob. I am a weird size and Jacob's sizes are weird. But they're nice. And I haven't bought a new bra in too long.
And I bought my perfume, which I've been out of for a couple of weeks. Good goddamn I love that perfume. I've loved it since 2k1 and I think I like it more now. Once again, if only there were a man I felt that way about.

Bothered my mum on the phone for too long last night. Sometimes I just get a little bit lonely living here.
I was trying to work on my TV show and it just wasn't working out. I did write a few ideas down. But that was about it. Then I had a beer and watched more TV. And read my book.

Work tonight.
But working out first, which I'm even mildly excited for. Must be the coffee. I'm going to go on the rowing machine!

maybe if I went Christmas shopping I'd feel better

2007-10-22T13:01:00.000-04:00

I'm a good updater because I'm avoiding all the other kinds of writing. So badly. I hate writing.

Yesterday in one spot I wrote "me" instead of "him". Is that a Freudian slip? If you notice where it is, I will give you a prize. The prize will be my cock.

AlexPB is ridiculously good-looking. But really. But the kind that you don't notice at first. The kind of beauty that you have to stop her and really look and you realize that she's gorgeous. She's funny and wonderfully awkward. We wandered around Cabbagetown, where it felt more like autumn than it has in any other part of the city. It's such an old part of town with so many trees that you have to wade through the fallen leaves at the sides of the roads. One of my favourite things to wade through. We found many neat walls and doors and colours to shoot in front of. I'm a little bit worried about light though. Hmm. We'll see. I wish I had a digital camera to at least do test shots with. And I need to get a light-weight tripod asap.
AlexPB's apartment is wonderful as well. It's the sort of apartment I might consider moving out of my apartment for. If I were richer and if it were in my neighbourhood (Almost four years and I think I love my neighbourhood more than ever. If only I could hold a relationship like that...). Her apartment is a perfect tiny white one-bedroom with big windows and straight walls, which are much better for space usage than my sloped ones. I do love my sloped ones... but they do make everything seem smaller.

I'm thinking about biting the big one and buying some actual furniture to go in here. A new futon instead of my curb-mattress and the unsteady platform I built, maybe. And some proper shelves and a wardrobe I could cover. Right now the rail of clothing is pretty much the focal point of the whole place.

These days are filled with tiny breakdowns but then I turn on the TV and America's Funniest Home Videos won't let me be sad.
I pictured where Third would live and what he probably listens to do and how he lives his life and I couldn't imagine it being good.
I don't know.
I'm reminded of when I dated that business man when I was, what, eighteen or so. I just push things. Oh, it's possible for you to have a crush on me? Let's see how much I can get away with.
The business man had the emptiest biggest house I've ever experienced. His closet had a few suits and not much else. He was fascinated with me, and it seemed like that could be enough.
Hmm. But he was an idiot. A big, big idiot. And Third is obviously not.
But I am not convinced that I actually have a crush on Third. Just the way I'm sort of panicked about it is not a good sign. I am needing distractions and I am incapable of just stopping with babes.
I had dreams last night of trying to orchestrate situations in which I would feel okay about making out with people I wasn't completely interested in.
Yeah. They weren't even sexy dreams. I'm boring.

I have to look for another job today. I have virtually no shifts at ACC this week.
I should use this opportunity to Get Things Done.
I will.

raw-hearted, hopeful, here and there yes

2007-10-21T13:55:00.000-04:00

I keep forgetting that I'm not getting on the babe-train. There's just people I'd like to board. If I'm not being too subtle.

I get very very very worked up about things. No surprise to anyone. It's fun? I don't know.

My heart is a bit raw and I'm trying to find things to salve it, which is not productive and then I'm not sure if anything is valid..
yes, yes, we know that already.

Work was good. We weren't tooo busy and we made money. And I made new best friends with my supervisor, who was a girl for once! We'll call her S (because I love Gossip Girl and they refer to each other by their initials). She is also a Capricorn and likes to talk about babes. We rated babes and discussed how it was possible for babes to be toooo good-looking. I told her all my gossip and we looked forward to the next time, when we could go over our summer adventures together.
I am not a whole-hearted believer in astrology. But. Sometimes it seems uncannily accurate. For instance, I'm done with Libras. I know how it'll go. Except I'm not done with them because they are good at convincing me that we'll be in a relationship forever, etc.
I'm nervous of Capricorns. They are intense and I relate and feel nervous of myself, even. Mairin and Maria and SarahR from highschool, especially. I'm convinced that all of those girls are smarter and cleverer than me. For sure. And I'm pretty smart and clever.
If I had to guess what Third's sign is, I would say Libra (ha), Capricorn, Virgo, or Leo? Fine I have no idea.

Speaking of third, his stand was across from mine so it was easy for him to come and bother me. He came over to say sorry for not coming to my dance night but I said WHATEVER. He whinged about not having anyone to go with. I said WHATEVER. Then later I said "___went by HIMSELF" and he said "____ lives two blocks away from there" and I said "WHATEVER". He was hanging around my stand talking to my partner and I heard him say "I must have a sense of humour. I have a handlebar moustache. On my FACE." and I said "I like your moustache!" (I didn't want him to shave it off! although he could shave that stupid "soul-patch" bit because all soul-patches are STUPID and ugly) and he came over and got in my space
Third: Well, you know if Meredith gives you a compliment, it must be true
me: I'm nice!
Third: I know but you never give compliments!
me: I have issues with giving compliments!
Third: Me too. Yeah, I'd rather just kiss than give compliments
I avoided answering that. That terrified/excited me. I push things and also get nervous. Nervous, especially, that I'll turn and not like me as soon as he admits his love. But then he didn't pursue me much after that. Huh. I left all furious that he isn't trying to see me or get attention from me, etc.
Obviously, that only deepened my affections.
I'm fucked!

I'm trying to hit on one of my actual bosses because I don't much like him and he's always looking for what I'm doing wrong and I will look forward to seeing him if I have a game going on with him. (fucked) But, luckily, he's been seeing me all over the TV, so it looks like my TV appearances have been hitting on him for me. NICE.

After work I went for beer with SC. I adore SC. He amuses me to no end. Well, some ends I guess. He's into beer appreciation and so we try different beers together. Now I definitely know what hops are about. And I had a really nice one that tasted a lot like candy. Yeah. Beer + Candy = dreamy. We also got food there and it was really good. I love eating out. I made SC have girltalk with me. Which was pretty long overdue I would say. It gave me more faith in him as a person and maybe he does have a few feelings. Even if they are tucked away and more related to physical appearances than proper characteristics.
Actually, the way he thinks of relationships, romanticizes past relationships, and especially the way he stalks people, is not dissimilar to the way I go about things.
Actually, he might even be better at stalking people than me. And I think he looses interest in people who like him as well.
I really think he's funny. And I miss David a lot, so I'm trying to replace him with SC. Which is not an easy swap-out. But still fun.
SC took me out of his FIVE (5 people he has unlimited talk/text with). I am not getting over that one anytime soon. I'm madly disappointed. His has no commitment to our friendship. Except reading my online diary.

On my way home at about 1 am, I ran into my work BFF, Layla. She's a wonderful, hilarious Persian Princess who wants me to read about Why Men Love Bitches. She's a real estate agent by day and only dates rich men and is totally not the kind of person I'd be friends with if I didn't serve beer with her. We get along surprisingly well though and have a tonne of girltalk. She was walking home and so I walked her back since I had my bike with me. Then she bought me a pomegranate and invited me to see her new condo. So I went and hung out with her and her sister there and had more girltalk.

It was kind of a neat night.

Today I have to get going. I'm on my way to do headshots for AlexPB. She is amazingly good-looking, so it should be good. And she has lovely (natural) red hair and green eyes and pale pale skin. She is very lucky. I haven't seen her for awhile and so that should be a good catch-up too. And it looks GORGEOUS out. Seriously. 25 above or something? What? I'm going to wear a sundress.

I'm not sure why that last sip of green tasted like smoked ham.

babe-train

2007-10-20T16:09:00.000-04:00

I always have a headache.

I love my hair today. If I had curly (or even wavy) hair, my life would be complete. Probably.

Rehearsal today for Teawater Tea, the movie my friend Adam is writing/directing that MorganRT and I are in. We started it out with brunch at Aunties. If all rehearsals started out with brunch then I would so be into acting and stuff.

Adam stayed around after MRT left and we hung out and chatted and talked about ladies who were both funny and sexy. One of my favourite subjects. I think this film is going to be interesting. And also really really hard. Which is nice.

We did end up getting everything done for our dance night, SarahJane and I. And it looked good. But then no one came. These nights take a long time to get off the ground, which is rather annoying. But a lot of people that I know came and were supportive and it was nice of them to stick around even though it wasn't the biggest party ever. It's nice to have the dancefloor to yourself though. Me and Sophia especially were dancing like crazy people. Incorporating props and everything. Yeah.

One of my supervisors from work came. But not the one I have the crush on. Well, I guess I have a slight crush on this one too (who don't I have a crush on? no. really.) I thought it was nice of him to come, and brave to come even though he didn't have anyone to drag with him. Braver than I would be, I think. I wish I liked him more. Or wasn't committed to this other crush. Oh, yeah... I'm also supposed to be off the babe-train.
A couple of my relationships have started with people coming to things that I've invited them to. On their own. JM came to that shaker I had out in the country all on his own. And Nick came to a show I was going to all on his own. He told me later that Owen and Tyler had been supposed to come but had weinered out and he had came very close to not going as well. I'm glad he did.
Actually, I saw him and Tyler this morning at Aunties. I'm always happy to see them. Though (maybe on account of them being actors, which is weird since I consider myself to be more honest than most people) I'm not sure whether they actually like me or whether they are just being polite.

The crushing supervisor (that's a good expression) is going to be referred to here as Third. Because of how he is the Third babe with that name. He made like he was going to come to my dance night but then he didn't. Even though he is in love with me and spends a lot of time at my stand visiting me, even when he's not working with me at all. I'm mystified. He's probably just not as brave as the other supervisor is.
I've started using people's names in order to remember them and I'm also trying to relate to people better and be involved and polite. This comes off as flirting. So hard.
Weird.

I had an actual LOL conversation with SC on MSN last night that involved him talking about how he'd rather babes wanted to bone than not bone, even if he wasn't interested in boning them. He is doing very little to convince me that he has feelings. At all.

Nathan and I had an awesome/hilarious/awkward phone conversation last night. We obviously want to hang out but it's weird because we don't really hang out on our own.. but we also don't have common friends. I don't know why it was so awkward but we pointed that out and it made it awesome.
We should hang out. Nathan is one of my favourites.

Work tonight. Then who knows... I need a second job. Though it's been nice to have time to do creative stuffs when I feel like it.
I hope I get lots of new crushes tonight and yet still manage to stay off the babe-train.

too much mug

2007-10-17T16:20:00.000-04:00

OMG
My mum is very devoted to me and she found this clip:

http://www.biography.com/broadband/main.do?video=Final24-JimMorrison

It is from the TV show I did where I play Jim Morrison's girlfriend. It is the first footage I've seen of it. I love how even the first three minutes of this show has too much of me in my underpants. But it looks good. And I'm excited! Oh god I really want to see the whole episode. It looks like it's going to be playing a lot on Biography, Discovery, the E! network, and on Global. Weird.
You have no idea how famous I'm feeling these days. But in a fun way, not in a Lindsay Lohan way. But it's neat having everyone see me on TV all the time. I still have not seen the MTV commercial and I'm dying to. It's getting to me.

It's weird how I'm not working or even auditioning at all right now and yet it seems to people like things are taking off for me because of how my mug is everywhere.
Another neat thing: Our rap video:

Grand Analog - Touch Your Toes

is in Much Vibe's top ten right now. Which is pretty exciting. Especially for SarahJane since she put such ridiculous amounts of effort into it.

Had a weird moment yesterday where I ran into my downstairs neighbour while doing laundry and he asked me how Bruce was. I thought he'd for sure somehow found out about Buster Bruce from the internet and was stalking me. Then I realized that I had told him I was working the Bruce Springsteen concert the other night. Ai. Paranoid.

Speaking of Brucie, there are only three plausible scenarios for my poor sleep last night:
a) Brucie is back and was running around my kitchen and also possibly on my bed and yet left no trace of himself around the apartment
b) I was having nightmares
c) this place is haunted (I'm actually leaning towards that possibility)

Worked for a few hours last night and also had brunch this morning with SarahJane to work on this dance party night that is tomorrow. It's looking good. We still have way too much work to do and I'm not really feeling it. Hmm. I'll get into it after work tonight hopefully.
Yay money.

I have have have to remember to submit my availability for ACC next month. Too much going on and it's frustrating how ten don't post anything far enough in advance to plan my life around. Double ug. I need a life planner. And I need to set office hours and Get Shit Done. SarahJane's been a pretty good influence on that lately.

Keep it keep keep it up.

Grand Analog - Touch Your Toes

2007-10-17T14:53:00.001-04:00

did I post this yet?

I am built for autumn

2007-10-16T16:09:00.000-04:00

I've fallen in love with my apartment all over again. All it took was taking the AC unit out of the back window and pulling down the heavy fabric covering that up (to keep the hot sunlight out). I forgot just how much I love the view out my back window. I remember being sad to have to put the air conditioner in in the springtime, but I forgot about just standing around in the kitchen looking out. It's really nice. And now it's so bright in here.

Lovely.

Oh yeah, I had a new pet there briefly. A mouse named Buster Bruce, fondly referred to more often as Brucie (Loosey Brucie, Brisket, Butter Ball, etc). He was really really really really really cute and he peered at me from the window sill and the sun shone through his tiny ears. Oh, and he shat all over the counter.
He also terrifies me a little bit and I'm sure he's going to climb into my mouth while I'm sleeping. But I think I got him to leave. I pulled the AC unit out while he was underneath it and he ran outside. Then I closed the window then I covered up the hole in the wall in the cupboards. Except I have little doubt he'll get back in somehow. Stupid Brucie.

I need a kitten.

I have a new work crush. He is a supervisor. I only like supervisors. I like it when I can charm management and then not have to worry about lame stuff like being a good worker (jk. god). It's one of those crushes where I already know that once I've charmed him and got him really interested and pushed it as far as I can then I will turn on him and hate him. I'm a terrible person. Except maybe he has a gf anyhow and then I will turn it into how much I love him and how sad I am that we can never be together. Someone punch my face. Please.
To make my life (and story-telling) more complex, he has the same name as two other babes I've been in love with periodically. Annoying.
He's quite funny and sweet though and he got me a delicious panini and helped us to win the decorating our stand contest. And it is very nice to have a reason to go into work.
Mum says crushes got her through university. But she did drop out about 100 times. I don't think she's as devoted to babes as I am.
After work on Saturday I went to the ACC staff party. I got drunk too quickly and then told too many people about my work crush. Wow that's silly. Whatevers, the crush keeps pointing out how I'm in love with him, so it's not really a big secret. He has a really really funny handlebar moustache. And funny sideburns. And a funny haircut.

It's silly that only after Chala has left I would wiener my way into her group of friends.
Ever since the rap video shoot I've been seeing more of SarahJane and her crew. What seems to be the core of the group is an odd mix and I really like them all. They are all care-takers and would do anything for anyone (with boundaries, of course).
I had brunch with them all on Sunday because it was Sandra's last night in town before going back to Mexico where she is opening her own bakery and cafe (how dreamy). SarahJane cooked for us all at Steph's condo and we talked dirtier than I have in quite awhile (and I talk dirty a lot), I laughed-to-crying at least twice. That's a sign of a successful social gathering.

Now I am, apparently, helping SarahJane organise her dance party Thursday nights. I'm excited. I like art and dance parties and music. We're meeting to come up with more arty influences/props for this Thursday. Funsie.
I'm coming up with other themes and installations we could do...

Had the first rehearsal for the short film that I'm doing for my friend Adam. Me and MorganRT had to do an awkward scene for quite awhile. It was fun. Sort of. I like Morgan less than I used to, so it's less fun than it could be. I like Adam. And I like the script.

I need to get a second job. But I don't want to. I'm working about four days a week right now for only about 3 to 4 hours a shift. Wow. Once I put that down I realized how silly I am. I work only about 15 hours a week. That's awesome. No damn wonder why I wouldn't want a second job.

Okay. I seriously need to go do laundry. It's been too long. There's a lot of clothes that I miss wearing. Okay. Yes. Motivation. Yes.

happy pies-giving

2007-10-09T08:46:00.000-04:00

I don't know how days slip by without updates. I swear I updated more recently.

I'm having pie for breakfast. Right now I'm having vegetable pot pie and then I'm going to follow it up with apple pie. Yes. Happy Thanksgiving to me.

I normally am not enthused with Thanksgiving. At all. But I got really sad on Sunday when I realised that I didn't have any dinner to go to or any family to give thanks with. So I decided to have a last minute dinner at my house on Monday.
Niki and Miranda and Owen and Jack came over. I (with Niki's help) made the pies and a giant salad (with roast corn and cabbage and beans and lots and lots of other veges). I liked it a lot. Which is the only thing that matters really. It was a nice and quick meal. Just a lot of eating and then we went and sat in the park for awhile. And then everyone went home.

It should not have been 39 degrees yesterday. Especially since I had the bloody oven on all damn day. I had the airconditioning on and we were all still sweating at dinner. So bizarre. It's October. It looks better today. Only about 15 degrees. But I wish it wouldn't rain since I have to go ride my bike.

I have an audition this morning in which I have to rap. I do not know what is wrong with me. I don't know why I would've submitted myself for this, which I did. I must have been drunk. Anyway. I have to rap. To Everyday People. That is not an easy song to rap. I hope they let me do my own thing, I'll totally give them a taste of Dance Attack.

Worked a bit this weekend. At Skydome and at ACC. I'm getting used to getting shifts at ACC, and I hope that I keep getting them... I still need another couple jobs probably. But ACC is a good base. It would be wonderful if they would tell me when I'm working more than four days in advance. Especially when they want me to keep all the dates open.

I went out with SarahB on Saturday. We ended up at Teatro to visit SarahJane and to get babes. And we met two of the prettiest babes we'd seen in awhile. We chatted them up and then went with them to play the baby grand piano at the one babe's house. SarahB may have gotten a new boyfriend out of it. Time will tell. I'm jealous, of course.
We ran into Dana and Leslie on our way to the babe's house and stopped to see them. I never see Leslie anymore. It was odd to see Dana since we're in a fight still. But we ignored it. I tried to be very polite to her friends. Don't want to be seen as rude.

I do like Patrick Watson. Some of his music sounds like ghost stories and also like Christmastime.

The Big Chill is now closed for the season. I've got the melting ice cream remains in my (under-active) freezer to prove it.

My MTV commercial is on the air. I know because a lot of people have seen it and on Facebook I'm being contacted by people I haven't thought about in years. I want to see it. So badly. I had a dream in which they had found all this footage of me as an ugly teenager (which I never ever was, JFYI) and used that instead of the cute footage we shot.
I hope that happened.

laundry, dishes, bill-paying, organizing, doctor-finding..

2007-10-05T15:02:00.000-04:00

I'm going through hummus like it's water. Or like beer, in my house. I love it.
I haven't had any yet today. Once I get started...
I did, however, have a chocolate bar and a huge bowl of apple crisp. The apple crisp is made with red river cereal as well as oats, so it has flax so it must be healthy.

Despite the fact that I was woken this morning (afternoon) by a call from my agent with an audition, I did not want to get out of bed. It makes sense considering I am always completely wide awake at three a.m. But even with good news, I'd rather be sleeping.
I did get up though. And ate chocolate and watched the Tyra show (best show ever) and knit. Tyra was talking about how hot geeks are. Yes.
I finished a scarf, that I have no recollection of starting (maybe back in January?), last night. It's not very nice. I wonder if I'll wear it. Probably just to prove that it was worthwhile. I have my mother's dictionary of needlecraft that I took from her dad's house. It's been remarkably helpful. I'm going to teach myself how to crochet too, maybe. Might as well be useful while I watch hours and hours and hours of TV.

I did babysit yesterday. It was kind of nice. I picked Ana up from school and we went to the library and read a bunch of books and played with the one toy there. Libraries should have more toys. Then we went and bought grapes and snow peas and went and ate them in the park. We played on the swings (I haven't swung on my belly or upside down in far too long) and on the merry-go-round (which is Ana's favourite but it also terrifies her). We played princesses and had magic leaves to grant us all of our wishes.
I brought her home and got to meet the tiny dinosaur baby who was, of course, ridiculously cute. He just slept in my arms for awhile. That family seems really well put-together. Maybe it comes from money. They can afford the help they need to have the time to enjoy each other? I like them a lot. They have the sort of life I imagine myself having soon. (Soon? Ha! Wow! Optimism!)

Talked to my mum on the phone last night but I only felt whinier while talking to her. That's the trouble with mums, they bring out the worst in us, the baby in us. Or maybe just in me.

I have nothing that has to be done today. Lots of things that should be done. Recipe for disaster. I wish I had less potential, you know?

the internet is my boyfriend

2007-10-04T14:28:00.000-04:00

I did my dishes yesterday. It had been a long time coming. And I tidied a bit. It's a little more acceptable in here. Not as horrifying.

And I worked at ACC. It was alright. I worked with a friend from Skydome, so we just caught up and visited and talked a lot about her recent wedding. I want a wedding. I want a wedding with ten bridesmaids. yeah.

After work I went to SarahB's house and then we wanted to go out but we didn't know where. We biked around the whole city pretty much each veto-ing pretty much every place under consideration. We ended up at a hyper-normal pub downtown where we never go. We were joined almost immediately by two men. SarahB attracts this sort of thing. She is just up for anything. It's remarkable. I was irritated with both of them right off the bat, but they were older and monied and alright, as far as men go. And SarahB has a higher tolerance for everyone. And I wasn't in the mood for small talk.

I'm single. I'm so single right now I can't even tell you. I haven't been this single in months. Maybe years. I mean, I'm not really any more technically single than I have been lately, but I'm pretty sure there's no one who is going to call me up at 3 a.m. And I am changing mindsets. (Yes. Right.)
I've instated a new policy (which I intend to stick to, but I never stick to anything, so who knows even?) which is to not make-out with anyone I've already made out with. I am tacking this onto my other policy (which I have NEVER EVER followed but yet is such a good idea -) to not date anyone I can't NOT date.
Ha! I am an attention seeker in the worst way...
I'm pretty sure I'm attracting people who are careless with me on account of how careless I am with everyone. How I am proud about having a billion boyfriends and seeing how many more I can get.

Dana is in a fight with me that I didn't know about (but suspected on account of her avoiding me). That's annoying. If I knew what I did then I could understand the situation. But since I have no idea and she's being just as rude right now as I could have been... well. I'm too on edge to feel sad about this right now or apologetic. I'm only frustrated.

MCDA has completely fallen apart and we're pretty much ready to disband. Right, of course, when we're trying to be booked for our first show and when we have producers working on beats for us. Mmhmm.

I need counselling. I spend a lot of time being mean to people. And I'm really beyond rude and self-satisfied. Too bad I would just convince my counsellor that I was the one being wronged. I'm also manipulative.

Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas

I'm babysitting Ana this afternoon for a bit. And I get to meet the new baby, who, from what I can tell, is seriously getting called T-Rex. Very very funny. I think we'll go to the park. I could use some fresh air. I haven't seen that family in weeks, and I need a bit of kids in my life.

It's okay if I don't have any friends or boyfriends because I have cable TV.

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas...

2007-10-03T13:31:00.000-04:00

Somehow my house has gone to shit again. I need a cleaning lady. I need to be rich and pay someone to fix my lifestyle. I've been so busy forced-relaxing and depressing that I haven't wanted to touch any mess. And sometimes I just take great pleasure in making more messes. Like when my bed in covered in too much stuff to sleep in then I just shove it all over onto the floor, then I step on all the stuff and then I feel sad when it's broken.
In way too many ways I am still seventeen.

I still like House. Team or no team. And I liked Cameron better as a brunette. I hope House chooses that lesbian from the O.C. to be on his team, she's probably still lonely that Marissa left her and then her other show about Irish gangs got cancelled. That must suck. I hope my shows never get cancelled. No, I hope they get cancelled in a My So-Called Life/Freaks and Geeks kind of way.
Whoa I just wikipediaed that girl and she's married to a prince. I would like to please be married to a prince too.
Luckily, I didn't find the second episode of Gossip Girl I watched to be as addictive. I mean, I'll still watch the show, but. It was a bit tiresome. If they weren't all to addictive to look at...
Because of cable I've been watching Sex and the City every night at 1:30. Amazing. Apparently there's still so many episodes I've never seen. Or don't remember seeing. I am so Carrie. If I did an internet quiz about which Sex and the City character I'd be,it'd be Carrie. For sure.
TV is the best for ignoring your own problems.

I did go to Nuit Blanche but it ended up being a bit of a bust. First I went to SarahB's show, which was very good and she only gets better, which is reassuring I hung out with her friends Kylah and Cindy, who are both also singer-songwriters and are nice. Then we went to SarahB's to drink more. We ended up in Trinity Bellwoods where they just wanted to sit and jam. I am good at neither sitting nor jamming. I also ran into a fresh hurt on the way there and so was feeling a little bruised. So I just went home. I saw exactly no pieces of art and I'm not bothering regretting it.
Nuit Blanche is probably best for couples. Or people who are happily single. Of which I am neither. I don't know, I'm sure in many ways I am happily single. I just can't think of any right now.

Sunday I worked the last Jays game of the season. Aw, etc. It was fun, Stacy and I just made awful comments about each other and tried to start fights between our co-workers.
Sunday night I talked to Chala forever on the phone. I thought I might be able to go to Montreal this weekend. But it turns out I really can't. Fuck. I really miss Chala. And David. And Dana has disappeared from my life, because she's insane. She said she'd call me later two days ago. Everyone is busiest and my life has calmed down.
I still have no concept of what my shifts are going to be like at ACC. It's a little frustrating. Every shift I want, I don't get, and every shift I can't work, they schedule me for. It's beyond annoying. If it weren't so easy and so well-paying I would quit. I like quitting. When it's necessary, I mean. It's the hockey home-openner tonight, so I'm looking forward to that. Might be fun. Maybe I'll turn into a hockey fan (no).

It's still hot out. That's nice, if not a little worrying. I worked alllll day at Big Chill yesterday by myself, covering Niki's shift because she got a library job. I made $30 in tips, which I wasn't expecting at all. I love unexpected money. The afternoon was so boring I thought I would pass out, but the evening was busy enough to keep me entertained.

I was considering going to pay off my library fines so that I could borrow again, but I realise I'm exactly in the state where I just wouldn't return stuff. For no good reason. So I'll leave it awhile longer, until I've grown up a bit.

Um. So... I'm ridiculously excited for Christmas. I know that maybe that's an obvious statement. But holy hell! It's on my mind all the time. Preparations have begun! I hope hope hope that this year I actually get everything done that I want to. That would amaze me. And be so excellent.

ohhhh beer

2007-09-29T18:48:00.000-04:00

Okay. I am trying very, very hard to be a good (or at least consistent) blogger.

Right now I'm drinking a beer (I don't know if I've ever bought cans of beer for home before) and eating a hummus and stuff sandwich and getting addicted to lavalife all over again. Except not. And I will undoubtedly not follow through on any e-flirting... so... I'm being rude I guess. Sometimes we all need a little ego boost.

I worked today at Skydome, it was good. I was in an exceptionally good customer service mood. Well, I mean, I made fun of every customer in every different way and they found that charming and tipped me well. Yeah.
I quit that catering job! It felt like a load off. I love loads off. They wanted me to work until 2 in the morning a bunch next week. They weren't going to pay me enough to merit that sort of time commitment. I'm too picky. The gods are totally going to smite me now and I'm going to end up jobless and on the street. Whatever, all the more time for partying I guess.
I feel bad because SarahB got me that job but she quit at Skydome, so I don't feel as bad as maybe I should. What can I say? I just wasn't feeling it.

We did end up MCDA-meeting with Andrew. And we did work on beats/discuss plans. It was good. We brainstormed for our new hit "Ninja". It's very very good. Any song that contains the lyric "Pulled his sword from my gash" is a very very good song.

Yesterday I worked at ACC. I'm getting used to working there all the time and next month is when I will start getting no shifts at all. Hmmm. It's such good money.

I went out for a beer with SC after work. I don't know why he amuses me so much, but he does. He's sort of awkward and nice and secretly a bad person. I love beer. I love beer so much. It's like the only think I ever want to drink. No juice, no soymilk. Only beer beer beer. I hope that SC does start a brewery so that he can give me beeeeer.

Hmmm. I'm wondering if I should go to Montreal next weekend. That would probably be a time and stuff. I miss Chala oh-so badly. But for reals. I keep thinking there's someone I need to call and then I realise it's just Chala and David missing from my life. Sigh Sigh x 100.

Tonight is Nuit Blanche. Last night was extreme, I'm hoping tonight will be too. Nuit Blanche is an all night arts festival with different installations and exhibits and activities and parties. I'm about to go have a nap in order to prepare, gather my resources, ready for all night P.A.T (Party All the Time).
I really wish I didn't have to work tomorrow at 11am. Boo.

I've made a couple of minor (major to me) break-throughs on Impunity Jane. I love this show. I would so totally watch this show even if it wasn't my brainchild and completely about me. I just need to sit down and write it. It's not going to be done by the end of this week exactly... but maybe by the middle of next? Hopefully? Ugh! Just imagine though, seriously.

2007-09-27T19:49:00.001-04:00

It's a perfect writing day. It's cold out and grey and it keeps mist-raining. October is definitely on its way. Hallowe'en almost. I've not done anything for Hallowe'en in probably three or four years. I want to party hard this year.

I had brunch with Ali at Aunties this morning. Mmmhmm. Oh omelette. Ali had been in Europe for the past six weeks. I want to go to Europe too sometime. Really. To England and Scotland especially. And Ireland. And France. Yeah, Paris.
So we caught up and related and stuff. And talked about boys. And talked about acting. And ate too much. It was pretty fun. I wish Aunties was free and I could have brunch there every day. I probably wouldn't need to eat besides that one meal a day...

Last night I worked at ACC. It's ridiculous there. The pay, I mean. It's really very good. I have a hard time wanting to go to any other job. Ever. Because I don't get paid enough.
It was a pretty short shift as well and easy. It's so easy. Ugh. I wish I could get all the shifts there.

This afternoon I avoided writing. I knitted and watched TV and worked on Christmas. And then I went Christmas shopping. Stocked up on wrapping/decorating supplies. Hmm if only I had something to wrap/decorate. Soon, hopefully. I wonder what people want for Christmas...

I want to get my show finished by the end of this week. By which I mean the pilot. I would love to have rough draft of the pilot in my hands. 44 pages at least. I don't even care if it sucks I just want to write everything that's supposed to happen, get everything out on paper so that I can really start refining and editing and making it marketable...
Oh god I'd like this show so much. Like I can't even tell you, but you can probably imagine.

MCDA-meet tonight. Fingers crossed. SarahB and I are meeting with Andrew to see if he'll be a good fit for beat-producing for us. Exciting! Imagine, we might actually have actual songs soon. Very, very hot. Scorching, even.

I'm not quite too old to play 16. Right?

2007-09-26T15:35:00.000-04:00

I started a new job last night. On the 27th floor of a downtown skyrise. Views out onto the lake. Doing catering for functions and events there with SarahB. It was supposed to be a three-hour unpaid training shift. I don't think I have ever actually stayed and worked a job that had an unpaid training period, but I have definitely done a couple of them. I've never heard of that happening in Saskatoon. But they ended up needing me for the whole night so SarahB talked to the boss and I'll get paid for the whole shift. In theory. I like that theory. I like money.
The job was alright. It wasn't hard or anything, but it was annoying in places. I'm also not a very good server, which I didn't bother to mention to them. But I'm bad with wine and clearing especially. And bad with manners and etiquette, which is maybe why I work in sports arenas and not fine dining. I don't like being bad at jobs.

I don't mean to jinx it, but it looks like I'll actually be okay for jobs this winter. How fantastic would that be? It probably means that I won't come home for the month of December, but I will definitely be back for two weeks at least. And two non-working weeks would probably be better than a working-month.

I've been feeling ill. My insides have stopped working again. I was hearing on The View that gluten and dairy have been linked to Autism. Weird. I wonder if I have gluten issues. I definitely have dairy issues that I ignore.
The best part of the catering job was the extreme amount of food I brought home with me. It was intense all the stuff they were throwing out. And how they were pushing us to eat it/take it. It lead to me eating way too much and then feeling gross, but it's still great. I brought home a buttload and cookies and veges and cheese (goat's cheese! havarti! brie!).

SarahB and I went out afterwards for a pint and to try and do some creative work. We ended up spending the evening discussing my TV show, still tentatively titled Impunity Jane. Looks like SarahB might be extremely helpful with it. She wants to work in television/film but doesn't have that much of an interest in writing... we might be able to work it out. She good at Getting Things Done. And I am not.

Yeah I got cable TV. Whatever. It's hot. Except now I just want more and more channels. I'm thinking Much and MTV and Movie Network and IFC need to come into my life. Especially since I want to pitch my show to Movie Network. So bad. Or Showcase maybe. Hmm.
Time-shifting is amazing. I got home at midnight last night and still got to watch the new episode of House.
Um, House without his team is just stupid though. No seriously. Those actors must have been so pissed to lose their jobs. I'm not giving up on him yet though.

Also, I watched Gossip Girl. Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. OKAY FINE I LOVE IT I WANT TO WATCH IT EVERY DAY.
Shit. There are just too many babes. It is not my fault. Any TV show with babes (even if they are a little young) is addictive. I just like to look at them. And Penn Badgley??? I'm sorry but goddammit.
I love the world of TV, where you can play a college student and then jump back and play an 11th grader (although who the hell even knows what grade they're in - they never seem to attend class. Ever).

My show is probably going to be successful on account of just how many babes there are going to be. Babes for every taste. Fuck I'm excited for the casting of that OMG (or as I like to call it - Finding My New Boyfriend(s)).

Bam!

Randomly I got a home phone. That's bizarre. When they were coming to install my cable they offered me a home phone free for three months, no contract. Just $4 or something for something something. So whatevers, I hit that. I'm really enjoying it, it's such a novelty. I hooked up my old rotary to it. Awesome.

ACC again tonight. Hockey? Who knows even? Hopefully something where I make all the money. I'm trying to work on the show to send to SarahB.
It's do or give up time for this show. If it doesn't get made right away then I won't be able to play the role. And the damn show's not getting made without me starring in it.

I need a new sensation

2007-09-24T14:39:00.001-04:00

I don't have patience for sitting down and writing.

When I'm out I can't wait to get home to get started on all my creative businesses, but then, when I'm actually here, all I want to do is lie down. Luckily I'm getting cable television. That won't be the worst thing for me, ever. Not at all.

My house is messy again and I can't work in here. I want to get rid of everything. There is way, way too much stuff. Stuff I never use. I'm going to get rid of it. I wish I could. I wish I wasn't a packrat. I wish I had organisational instincts. Hmm.

In the past couple of days I've been feeling fine until I leave the house. Then I am head-ached or nauseous or dizzy or all the above. I think it may be the smog. And riding my bike through excessively heavy traffic. Or my hypochondria.

I've been working pretty much every day. Which I need. I really don't mind working every day as long as it's short shifts where I make a lot of money.
I worked a couple of times at ACC last week. I wish I could get more shifts there. I was talking to people though and they said I'd be lucky to get 3 or 4 shifts a month. What's the point of even having the damn job, then?
I got to work the Beastie Boys concert. I wish I'd been able to stick around and watch more of it, but I had my own party to get to.

It was the launch party for Grand Analog's video (that I'm in) on Friday. With food and booze and a bit of dancing. A bunch of friends came and I was glad. The video looks amazing. It should be up soon, and then I'll post it. The song is pretty great as well, I really hope it does go into high rotation on Much, and then Grand Analog becomes really famous and then he does a rap for MCDA and then MCDA becomes famous too... yeah. Probably.
I hung out with Andrew after the party. He is still the funniest person I know. And still willing to make beats for MCDA. We should get on that.

I didn't leave the house on Saturday. It was my first day off in too long, so, you know. I've been way too social lately and I need to take more breaks and set more boundaries.
Babes are getting me down again and I think I need to go on a for-real babe break. Except you know I won't.
Maybe just no babes I've already tried.
Tried it - it didn't work - I'll try it again.
That's how I seem to roll.
I'm an idiot.
I got a lot of knitting done.

I've been spending a lot of time with Sarahb still. Very party all the time. Last night I went and met her and co. at the Manifesto hiphop show in the middle of downtown and we had a bit of a shake-down dance-party which seemed to amused fellow audience members. Then we bike-rode girl-gang style down Queen and I got checked out by some babes in a BMW convertible, so Sarahb chased them down and chatted them up. We were going to go hang with them... but then we didn't. We went to the Hideout instead and ate and drank. I think some guy was taking pictures of me with his camera phone. Camera phones are so ridiculously creepy. It's hard to call someone on being a creep when you can't tell if that's what he's actually doing.
After hideout Sarahb and I went to Teatro to visit SarahJane and Sandra. We got babe-advice from them. It was pretty funny. I also ate a lot of the peach-almond crisp that Sandra made. So good.

I'm thinking of, instead of getting my zines in stores as they are now, doing a collection of the best bits from the last five issues. And editing the poetry. And then selling them for $2 or so. Hmm?

Apparently one of the MTV commercials I did hits today. Wow. I hope that I get to see it soon!

I haven't done anything lately or even had any exciting auditions. But it turns out Sarahb has a camcorder, so... I'm going to be allllll over YouTube (and also XTube OBVIOUSLY) in the very near future. Even if it's just me talking about babes.

Nope. I am just not good at blogging

2007-09-18T15:52:00.000-04:00

And now it's been far, far too long.

Things I did on my trip:

- Had a 4.5 hour stopover in Winnipeg. I wanted to punch people. Instead I got a little tipsy in the airport bar by myself.

- Attended/photographed my mother's 60th birthday party (that's old). Sooo much fam. My uncle and his four daughters and three grandkids came down, plus all the regular fam. Most of my mother's friends stopped by, lots of good food, wine (I made sangria!)

- Went to Amigos and visited with some peeps. Mostly Ellen, Fraser, Alisin, R.Po, and GillTreen. I felt out of place but it was still alright.

- Went to the lake with my mum. It was so nice out. The land was gorgeous. If I'd never moved away I'd never have appreciated the prairie like I do now. Steve-Dave came and hung out on the beach one of the days and we drank beer (Rickard's White, so good) and did crosswords. We went to the Silver Sword and Chalice in Hafford again. It was awkward and ridiculous. Places like that are much better to talk about than they are to actually visit. Mum and I went out to the old Ukrainian Church and sang Christmas carols. I climbed a hay bale and sat in some barley fields.

- Had delicious veggie burgers with Ellen at the Yard. So good. Both the talk and the food. We discussed the We Are Many Festival, which looks really promising. Maybe it will actually get people moving in an activistic direction. Maybe even me...

- Went to Stardust with SteveDave. Two thumbs up. I love epic fantasy. I love babes. I love Robert DeNiro in this movie.

- Had grilled cheeses with Const and Steve. We were very funny. We went to see Superbad. It was very funny and Martha was very good and I was very jealous.

- Went to the livingroom twice. Was disappointed both times. But hanging out with Steph was nice.

- Knitted. I don't know why I was so into this for a couple of days there, it hasn't stuck since getting back.

- Related to my brother. Well, a bit, anyway.

- Had dinners with the fam. A decade later and still I don't know how to relate how awful I feel about being vegetarian around them.

- Saw Ethan and Rachel. I like those babies a lot. Even though they definitely aren't babies anymore. I think Ethan's quite funny and clever. I said to Rachel "What's up dog?" Rachel said "Woof!"

.

Other things I have done since then:

- Worked an awful lot. An awful lot. It's good though. I do like skydome. I never dread going and since I've started drinking coffee like water, I'm pretty fun.

- Went to V Fest with Christopher Dale The Little Whale. He's one of my favourites from college. He lives in Oshawa these days so I never see him. He's moving back though. I did love seeing Bjork and getting free things, but I don't think giant outdoor music festivals are for me. Too many crowds and idiots. And I wish that I'd seen K-os and M.I.A.

- Hung out with Sarahb a lot. I don't know how I survived the summer without her... if anyone embodies the spirit of Party All The Time, it's her. She's just so good at it. And up for going anywhere/partying with anyone. Low standards, that's the ticket!

- Partied all the time. Went to an awkward house party with Sarahb and brought SC along with me on account of he was drinking alone. And because I like him. I'm glad he came because at least we got to catch up and then the party wasn't a total waste.

- Went out til 4 a.m. the other night, the bars are licensed later during film fest. It's a terrible idea. Everyone was way too drunk and gropey and gross. I had my crotch grabbed on the dance floor. And not by anyone I knew. Gross.

- Had dinner and stuff with Miranda. I haven't grown tired of her. I'm still really glad that she's sticking around this year.

- Went to a Weather Station and Nick Rose show. I love when they play together. I get to see my two most favourites in one night. I hung out mostly with Tam's mum, who is lovely. She made me eat a lot of nachos and says she'll sell my magazines in her art store if I want. ("And when you're ready I know some publishers...") Very sweet.

- Last night I went to Browning's fundraiser for this TV show I'm doing a voice for. I went after work and missed most of the show but I saw some comedy shorts and met some comedians and "networked" (not really). Mostly just hung out with SJ and drank beer. Browning is the one who works at the casting house that I'm going to take improv from hopefully soon. He is ridiculously nice. And he was apparently going on at SJ about how great I am. I like when that happens. I want to get in with the comedy scene. Get RIGHT in there. Like my penis in your vagina.

.

I'm having troubles getting things done and being a responsible and productive member of society. I'm good at avoiding things.
I realised just how many things I want to do/plan on doing. It's an incredible amount of work, and I'm not even getting started properly. UGH!

priorities:

Acting
this is more up to agent, but still

MCDA
we are planning to start up in earnest. Hopefully? Well I bought us matching shirts anyway... It's an intense project though. Dancing? Singing? Lyricising?

Photography:

I need to just keep and keep and keep at it. and take my camera with me everywheres

Poetry
I need to submit more, get feedback more, edit more, sit down and write properly

TV series
The still un-named, ever-in-production, beast weighs me down. I think about it constantly and do no work on it. I'm getting too old to play highschool, so what's the point, etc? But I can't let it go

Major Babes
This is a great idea for a film. If I would just sit the fuck down and write it...

Sketch
We're supposed to start meeting... theoretically. organising people is very hard. making myself do anything productive is harder still.

Ice Cream short
I want to make a short film set in Big Chill. I will not get around to doing it before the end of the season. that's sad.

Fringe
I've been saying I want a play in the Fringe for at least a billion years. I should probably actually get on that. Especially if I'm planning to write it...

Producing plays
Planning to put up the two that I wanted to do just before I moved here.

FUCKING HELL. I have such, such good ideas and absolutely no follow-through.

TOO MUCH PARTY ALL THE TIME.

I'm making spaghetti and I'm going to bake it with cheese!

Four months til Christmas!

2007-08-25T17:45:00.000-04:00

I always manage to forget how much I hate having parties until the actual party arrives. Then I just can't take it. Then I flip out for a bit then it ends up fun. Usually.

I had my zine launch Thursday night. The fifth issue of it! I'm surprised I've stuck with it so long. While I was in a temper then I was going on at people about how there was no purpose to the zine and how I was basically just trying to jerk off on peoples' faces.
So true.

I'm pretty surprised I got the thing done. It wasn't looking good for a bit there. But I even like parts of it. I've already edited some of the pieces since printing it off, so some of it is already irritating. At least there are some neat photos.

Some people came, not many, but some. I expected no one to show up, so I was relieved. There were some awkward moments though. And I was seriously in a temper.

Dana and Owen were the real troopers. Being there right from beginning to end. Dana even helped me make food. I made an apple pie. I was not in the mood for baking and I'm surprised that it turned out edible at all. But it went quickly, so it must have been alright. Miranda and I got ice cream from Big Chill to eat with it too. Even better.
People got into my collection of wooden flutes. That was a bad scene. It was the worst racket I've heard. At one point the whole room joined in for singing a rousing chorus of My Heart Will Go On.
You know you've been drinking too much when singing Celine Dion seems fun. I tried to make Jo sing opera but she said it would wake all the neighbours. Soon though. I really want to hear her really sing.
Miranda thought Andrew was the funniest person ever. Everything he said she basically doubled over. It's neat when friends like friends.
I got really really tired a ways into the party but I refused to let people go home. I did keep secretly trying to go to sleep though. Luckily I just kept drinking and soon I got my second wind. After Sophia got there she rallied our troops and we went out. Dana put cherry tomatoes in her bra so it looked like she had the biggest nipples ever and she tied her shirt up and painted a fake tattoo on her belly. We all put on sparkles and I wore my black party mini-dress and my cowboy boots. Sophia put on one of my frilly pink night shirts over her regular outfit. We all looked hot. So we took the party to Teatro to visit Chala and Sarah. Tokio and Steph from the rap video were both there as well, BMX girl biker gang reunion! Nathan and Dan came and joined us and even SJ showed up eventually. It was amazing that we were partying at a weirdly fancy bar with virtually only 9-to-5ers. Especially looking the way we did.

I have bruises all over. So I must have had fun.

Melissa showed up at my house randomly Thursday afternoon. I was hanging out with Chala (the first time we've bonded since she's been back from fringe-touring) and the doorbell rang. I refuse to answer the doorbell but I looked down and a tiny Filipino woman with an umbrella to shield the sun was waving up at me, so I went to see what she wanted. It turned out, of course, to be Melissa's mum walking her over here. They're so ridiculously cute.
Melissa is engaged to be married. Whoa. Before she met Todd she was almost worse than me with babes. Just impossible to tie down and it seemed like she didn't know what she was looking for. After she dated Clint for years, I mean. I'm happy for her. Todd seems pretty good. Also slightly insane. And we know how attractive that can be. I'm going to go visit her in New York. I pretty much have to. It's ridiculous not to. I want to save up so that I can go see some Broadway shows. Oh god I think I'd love that. Maybe Chala and would go down there together.
I don't want Chala to move away. At all.

Apparently I got a perfect or near-perfect score on my mystery shop at Skydome. I didn't ever hear about it though, Carla just happened to mention it because it's her job to put all that info into the computer and stuff. I love how I got a letter in my file for not suggestive selling peanuts, but no one bothers to tell me when I do a great job.

It hasn't hit me yet that I'm going home. I've booked my flights and everything. Weird. On Monday even. That's the day after tomorrow. That's so soon.
It better still be nice enough to go to the lake.

Last night I had re-training at ACC which was fine. I've pretty much already lost that job just on attendance stuff. Whatevers. I have ten jobs. They gave us pizza and donuts and stuff and we watched videos and I did sudoku and didn't pay attention. Mmmhmm.

Then I went to a party at Miranda's boyfriend Dustin's house. I knew a couple of people and made some new friends and drank so I didn't even feel awkward. I talked about MCDA for way too long. But it is basically the best party chatter ever because everyone gets so into it - coming up with more ideas and fun things we could do. It stopped raining in time for us to go swimming. I love swimming! Miranda and I convinced everyone to come with us. The pool even had a heater. Dustin's parents are rich. Inside their bedroom they have a dressing room. I want to have a dressing room. I need one, even.

I slept over there because it was too North to get home easily. I slept in the basement by myself and it was very nice. Very dark and quiet. It reminded me of sleeping over at Melissa Klassen's house when I was little.
In the morning we cleaned up a bit and had coffee in the back yard. Then we went for brunch at Victory.

Tonight I'm working at Big Chill apparently. For a little bit.
I have so much to get done for going home that it's ridiculous. But I probably won't do most of it.
Tomorrow I have to attend some auditions for the movie I'm doing with my friend Adam, then I have the last night of my play. And we're partying after that... so yeah. Wow I have no idea when I'm getting stuff done. Huh.

almost almost almost home time

2007-08-20T14:29:00.000-04:00

I don't even know how people lead busy lives. I think I would collapse if I tried to keep up this pace for much longer.

I'm still feeling good though. And bouts of craziness make me feel productive at least.

The play goes up tomorrow! And I almost know my lines. Rehearsals have been great. I'm beginning to see why Norman is such a good director. Virtually everything that he suggests I do I think, I should have thought of that. Even though I was exhausted last night it was still so worthwhile. It's wild how even just rehearsing in his living room I feel like a real actor again.
I hope there's a point in my life (soon soon soon) where I get to do big theatre. That would be pretty fantastic.

Saturday I worked at Skydome and it was busy but not crazy and I made good cash. Then I baby-sat Ana. She was in hysterics when I got there but her mum managed to calm her down and then she was very nice for the rest of the evening. We read a bunch of Robert Munch stories. I forgot how fun they can be to read aloud. Then I ate a bunch of their cookies and watched bad TV. Nice.

Yesterday I Skydomed again. In the bar by myself. It was just busy enough to keep me entertained. Afterwards I helped set up for our staff party even though I was off the clock. How's that for great employeeship?
The staff party was nice. A huge buffet (including veg pasta and burgers!) that I ate too much of, free tickets to a Jays game (I'm going to see if I can go... I think I might like that), treat bags, and prizes. I won a gift certificate for Best Buy. I've never been in a Best Buy but since I've been auditioning for them a lot late, I feel like it's a sign. Or a consolation prize. Sorry you didn't get our commercial which pays mad money, the universe has provided you with this wonderful gift certificate instead!
I like winning prizes. I did a winner's dance and ran to get it. Obnoxious.

After that was rehearsal at Norman's. The piece gets more absurd and funny. I love it. Aaron and Norman are both so inherently nice and easy to hang out with. We decided to push today's rehearsal back to after work tonight so then we all went out. We went and met up with Sophia and her crew and ChrisClif at Sneaky Dee's and drank beer. Beer is the best for when I'm tired and worn out. Everything is fun again with beer. Afterwards I went and hung out with J Adam. I haven't spent time with him in months and months. I felt bad because I had cancelled our lunch dates. As much as he actually drives me nuts, I also care about him. Weird combination. Makes for interesting interactions.

Today I am stressed with things I need to do. But instead of doing them I'm writing in my diary and eating cookies. I badly badly need to laundry. Okay. Maybe I'll do that. I can learn my lines at the same time. Multi-tasking and other mad party skills.

and the highs are high

2007-08-18T10:07:00.000-04:00

Hmm. Apparently I'm going to launch the 5th issue of my zine next week. I guess I should write that? I am so overwhelmingly busy. In the best way.
I hope I have time to bake pies for the party!

Yesterday I had not one but TWO recall auditions for commercials. Whoa. My agent is so proud of me. I love that. My mum is also proud of me. Or at least she says she is when I yell "Are you proud of me or what?"
And what's even better is that I've been having fun. Something has shifted and now I am allowing myself to be myself in auditions. I've been bringing in tiny props (like too many pens in my pocket for the Best Buy audition) which I think are funny and making inappropriate jokes. I'm confident in a way I haven't been before, except maybe in high school drama.
I'm shortlisted for one of the commercials. It seems like I look too young for either of these parts, but hey - you get paid $50 for each (union) recall. So maybe I could just make my living by getting recalled?

I'm in rehearsals for the tiny piece that Norman wrote for me to perform next week. We're part of the pre-show for 36 Little Plays About Hopeless Girls. I think the whole event is going to be really fun. And it'll be the first time I'm onstage in Toronto. Wild. 3.5 years here, it's about time. And even rehearsing is feeling pretty great. Especially because I get to act like a panda!

I'm also working like a fiend, trying to pay for my trip home in less than two weeks (!!!!!). I'm mostly just excited to see my mumma. And the rest of my fam. And some friends... but I want to spend a lot of time doing nothing in Saskatoon.
Today I'm at Skydome, then baby-sitting, then partying. Tomorrow is Skydome then rehearsing. I'm working so much next week when I'm not performing/launching zines.

I worked up in the bar last night with Vanessa (aka Chungtron. We all made up robot names at one point) and it was deliciously slow. I totally wouldn't mind working up there if it were always that

Tamara had her house-warming party last night. I enjoyed it. I wish I had a whole house to party in. My party spirit is just so big. I spent a bit too much time talking about how great my life is... but I've been so down lately. And sort of expecting everything to go into the toilet, and now I'm trying hard not to.
SC and I hung out mostly because he doesn't like anyone except me. A strange activistic girl tried to help me help him recover his feelings. I'm always going on rants about how he doesn't have any (which I maintain is true). She even wrote down some books that he should read to help him feel and stuff. After he'd left and she was leaving she gave me a giant hug (strangers don't really hug me. I think they know it's not my scene) and stopped to whisper in my ear that SC was emotionally blocked and I might want to help him but it would only end up dragging me down. Too good!

I saw Andrew since the first time since he left for computer camp. He is terribly sweet. If MCDA doesn't get it together soon I'm going to barf. It's such a good idea and we are all being idiots about it.

I'm re-reading The Dark is Rising. It's so good. I forgot about how that whole book is just mostly about Christmas. I was geeking out at David about my favourite fantasy novels and he was surprised that I liked them. Weird. I obviously love them. I guess I just come off way too cool. It's probably because of my new fold-up sunglasses which are my favourite thing. Sometimes at night I think about them and how they just fold right up and I smile.

You know maybe I'm not meant for love, I mean, how would I write poetry?

sore eyes, lack of ambition

2007-08-14T14:43:00.000-04:00

Dana left the American edition of Elle magazine at my house. I've had a subscription to Elle Canada for the past couple of years. Whoa, the American edition is ridiculously better. Instead of articles which are trite and boring, this magazine had articles I didn't even mean to read which seriously pulled me in. I've never had any interest in Obama's wife, now I do, and if I lived in the states I might even take an interest in this election. It had a memoir beautiful piece about a daughter losing her father to cancer (and finding out that they were secretly part black). The article about Rosie O'Donnell was right on for me. Even the interview with Lindsay Lohan was pretty captivating.
It made me want to be a journalist. I've never wanted to be a journalist (well except vaguely every few years or so).
Actually, I think I've warped myself by never reading a newspaper except 24 and Metro, which are the two worst pieces of garbage and should only be used for their crosswords, wordy-gurdies, and sudokus. I guess I read Now Magazine, but mostly for the music listings and Savage Love.

I'm still feeling slightly ill. I've been sleeping a lot lately. I'm stocking up for the next stretch of working. And I'm mildly depressed and don't feel like being awake a lot of the time.

I watched a lot of TV yesterday and Sunday, more than I've watched in the past couple of months probably. It's really, really enjoyable to lie around for hours and not move. No but really.

Dana called me Sunday eve and then brought some food over and we had dinner. And drank mint tea and ate a lot of chocolate. Then we lay around and watched TV. It didn't matter what it was, we just watched it. We even watched Degrassi and Instant Star. Instant Star is actually remarkably better than Degrassi. Nick's new Tim Horton's and Future Shop commercials were on every two minutes. I think they're really funny but it might just be because I think Nick is really funny. I bet he totally can't go into Tim Horton's anymore. At least not without getting called Bagel Boy.
I hope when my MTV commercials air I get called Eyeball Girl.
Dana is pretty sad these days. We complained a lot and vaguely looked for solutions. Vaguely.

In one of my dreams last night I got a roll of film developed but it turned out to be from years ago. But I didn't remember any of the events in the photos.

One of my eyes is really hurting and I don't know why. I haven't worn my contacts in a couple of days. Maybe it's in withdrawal. I'd love a new pair of glasses. Ones that I actually liked/looked good in.

I really succeeded in doing nothing yesterday. I made cookies and wrote a bit. But besides that I mostly watched TV. It felt like an accomplishment somehow.

Today is the first day of working every day for the foreseeable future.
The time that I can go back to Saskatoon for keeps getting shortened. I'm going to have to go ahead and book my flights so that I have to stop booking more and more things in.
Right now it's looking like going home on Monday the 27 and coming back here around September 7th or 8th. Hopefully.

Luckily one of the reasons it's getting pushed back is a teeny tiny theatre piece Norman is writing for me to do.
And because I will still be in town, I am very strongly considering attending Fake Prom. It looks amazing. It would be more amazing if I had a super-babe to attend with. Someone to lose my fake virginity to. Yeah.
I wonder what JTT is doing that night?

where is the summer going?

2007-08-12T15:25:00.000-04:00

New /private.
I feel ill!
I woke up at 7:30 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. I took some painkillers and watched Walking Across Egypt, which stars the incomparable Jonathan Taylor Thomas. I don't think I'd watched in since I first bought it off ebay years ago. It was pretty good. Mostly because he's a babe. A troubled, mean babe in this one. It's weird that it has Ellen Burstyn, Mark Hamill and Judge Reinhold in it.
After that I went back to sleep until 2. Which was better. Now I'm eating too much Special K and moping around.

Friday I worked the Argos game. Saskatchewan won. I hope they get the Grey Cup. I worked in the visitors' side and so there were tonnes of people wearing ridiculous amounts of green. And a bunch of people wearing melons on their heads. Carved out watermelons as hats. I don't even know what that was about.

Afterwards I went to SC's condo (which was nice, more character than I'd expected) to bring him out with me. We drank and I made fun of the buckets of whey powder in his cupboard. Then we went to The Supermarket because supposedly Do Make Say Think were playing. I saw no evidence of that. Miranda and Dustin were there. And David's Stef and her friend. We drank more and I danced. Then SC and I went to Sneaky Dee's where we drank more and ate nachos. I really don't remember much after that. I know we stayed until they took our alcohol away. And I know I was attacking SC's character pretty badly. SC says that wasn't fun at all. And that I got sad. Well, I am frequently sad these days. He's not going to Sneaky Dee's with me anymore because I only pick fights with him.

Yesterday I slept in and lay around a lot. I sewed a bit and thought about writing. I wanted to finish the next zine by the time I go home. We'll see if that happens.

Had lunch with David at the Green Room. We sat on the back patio in the weird almost-garden. There was a sparrow who kept panting and leaning over on one side a lot. It did not look good. After a bit in lay in the dirt without moving. I thought it was dead but then it got up and flew away.
After lunch we went to Honest Ed's and wandered around. There are so, so many ugly figurines and dishes and things there that I really want to buy for my family as jokes. If we ever had a joke Christmas I could do all my shopping right at that one entrance of Honest Ed's.

Went out to The Boat with David and SC to see their friend's band. Worst band ever. No, they were probably fine but I am used to only going to see music I'm pretty fond of. And this was boring and annoying. Not a good combination. David had to leave after they played to see his GF. SC and I walked and got burritos from Burrito Boys, which I'd never had before. Even though Alisin used to live right by there.

Two hyacinths that I really thought were deaddeaddead are coming up again. Hyacinths are my favourite.

SJ called me at three in the morning last night. I was trying to sleep but feeling ill and it wasn't working. I was happy to hear from him. He's in Halifax for a couple of weeks, doing shows and visiting his fam. If it were always three in the morning and he were always drunk we'd be practically married by now. I have no idea what I feel about him these days. Depends on the day, I guess. I care about him, everything else is always changing.

I'm sad these days still. On edge. I'm lonely and always questioning my decision to live alone. Not that there's anyone I want to live with (which, of course, doesn't make things better). I want family and I want to learn to treat my friends better and seek out things/relationships which are good for me, not just challenges.

I need more single girlfriends. Everyone I know is in lockdown except Sarahb (on tour), Chala (on tour/moving away), Dana (being a wiener these days). Wow everyone is in relationships. How do they even know how to do that?

It's raining and perfect out. I'm going back to bed I think.

Yeah I'm totally back off it

2007-08-10T15:47:00.000-04:00

Jesus time passes all over the place.

I don't even know how to do a round-up.

I filmed that rap video last weekend. For Grand Analog. I think it's going to be super sweet. I got to wear red short-shorts and a lot of pink and white and I got to ride around on a kids' scooter. I did tricks and put my legs in the air. I was the youngest of a gang of sexy BMX biker girls. I earned the nick-name Baby Bam after yelling "BAM!" a lot and humping all over.
Quelle surprise.
All the people on set were great and there were times where we fell over laughing and couldn't keep it together for the shot. Not very professional. At all.
We went out to the island on Sunday night. I had never been out there before. I'm not sure why the hell not. It's ridiculously easy to get to and feels just like being at the lake. I got there, planted myself in the sand and buried my legs. I felt better than I had in some time just sitting there. We watched sheets of rain come towards us from across the lake but somehow they never made it over. We drank beer and mojitos and ate way too much guacomole and chips and lay around on blankets and ran around with sparklers and sat by our illegal fire and went swimming in the dark.
Mmmhmm.

I've been working a lot. Yankees were in town so it was busy but not much more profitable. Tonight is Argos vs. Roughriders and I might wear my roughriders t-shirt. But probably not while working. I don't think they'd let me.

I met with my agent yesterday. He says I need to start thinking about what sort of look I want to cultivate and what sorts of roles I am dreaming of. He also said none of the photos from the last shoot are good enough to warrant changing my headshot. He wants something with more personality, something (though I hate this word) quirky. And I agree with him. His vote on the last name issue is for Boroughs. Or to not change it. I really like my agent. Sometimes I forget and get nervous of him. But he is pretty funny and smart. And he said that everything seemed to be getting started for me (I sure hope so! That'd be neat!) and that he's hearing great feedback about me.

I'm considering cutting off all my hair. Something quirky.

I had an audition this morning. Everyone I know gets an audition the day after they meet with their agent. It's good to stay on their mind.

I went to see two Summerworks shows last night.
Jasmine, which Norman wrote and starred in, and The Gulliver Project, which was all the Humber theatre kids from the years I was in school.
Jasmine made me cry because it was about a mother and I hate things about mothers who are sad and lonely. Norman was great and the script was beautiful.
Gulliver was very neat, it was performed outside in a church courtyard with a very cool minimalist set and projection videos and neat props. Partly completely realistic and partly fairy-story.

After, I went out with all the Ryerson kids, who I haven't partied with at all this summer. We went to Bistro 422 for prize night! Prize night, where all the prizes are more drinking!!! I felt healthy because I was drinking Bloody Marys and so I was getting all my vegetable servings for the day in. A bunch of the Ryerson kids that I don't know very well are joining mine and Sophia's sketch troop. They were being funny and I was relieved. Miranda came and wasn't awkward even though she didn't really know anyone. I like that I can take Miranda anywhere.

I still don't know when I can go home and so I haven't booked my flight. And prices are just going up and up. I might be doing a tiny theatre piece with Norman at the end of the month. You have no idea just how excited that would make me. I haven't done ANYTHING in years. It would be neat to have an event to invite my friends to. I like showing off.

I might go to watch auditions this weekend for the film I'm doing for Adam Jones. They're looking to cast a young me. Wild.

Two days in a row? I'm back on it!

2007-08-03T14:29:00.000-04:00

Super fun college reunion BBQ yesterday. I was surprised. I didn't expect as many people to be there as showed. Some people I totally didn't expect, like Christopher Dale (the little whale), who is one of my favourite people that I never see. So cute. We just sat around talking music and babes and telling each other how sexy we are. Fun.
Jackie hosted at her apartment which has a big deck and lots of room for partying. She won my heart by feeding me alcohol and by having bought veggie burgers and had one side of the grill reserved for them (whoa). It turned out a bunch of people are now off meat, so much better than being the only veg. I made guacamole and Carla brought her home-made salsa. So soo good.
I do miss all my classmates. Even the ones I hate. I just know them too well, their familiarity is really great. I loved making Damon eat properly and rubbing Kevin's back and humping Carla and avoiding Shiraz's leers and gropes.
I got hit on a surprising amount and people kept going on about how intimidating I was when they first met me. Ha. I never got hit on in college, I never hooked up with anyone in my class, I never even flirted that hard.
Yeah babe-break is over, but I'm considering re-instating it. I don't know. I ended up making out a bit with the sluttiest of my classmates outside of the apartment and avoiding going home with him, though he tried hard. And now he wants to hang out and I'm considering it. He is actually a babe, in sort of a James Dean way. But he knows it. And he uses the term "LOL" and other anyone bits of e-slang.

Why have I suddenly become confident again that no one's reading this i-net confessional? I just don't believe anyone would waste there time seeking this out. Not even babes. And there's no babes I'm worried about impressing or worrying about not hurting I guess.

The new Tegan and Sara is pretty addictive.

My nails look just so, so good. I want to eat them.

It's still too hot. I do not feel like biking to work. But I do want to go to work. Too many days off lately. But now I think I'll be working pretty much straight through until I go home. Whenever that is. Dammit I want to go home! But I'm seriously so busy. I thought I'd be able to go for a good two weeks, but it's looking like less and less.
I want to go lake-swimming.

Big Sweet Thing show tonight and Nick and Tyler's other band with their UK friend, Blue Fox. I think it'll be good. SC and Miranda and Dustin are all coming and hopefully some more dancing friends. I'm going to have to rush from work. It always makes the games seem extra extra long when I have somewhere I'd rather be.
Then tomorrow I'm apparently going to be in a rap video! At six a.m.! For Sarah Jane. I think it'll be pretty fun. It better be if I have to get up that early.

oh summer, etc.

2007-08-02T18:20:00.000-04:00

College reunion BBQ tonight. I still haven't figured out what to bring. I'll pick up something on the way. Something ridiculously cheap because I am broke until payday tomorrow.

I only had dreams of breaking things. China, glassware, my cellphone. Everything just shattered in my hands last night.

Had brunch at Aunties with Miranda and Sophia yesterday. We had girltalk and waffles. I love waffles. I followed David around taking his picture. He was looking cute though.

I shot Stacy-Ann's sister Zindzi's pictures yesterday. I found it more stressful because I ended up having to be her make-up artist, hair-dresser, stylist and photographer. Boys are much easier to shoot. She also came late and so we lost a lot of the daylight. I'm hoping they still turn out alright. I'll be sad if they don't.
I still like taking pictures though.

I went on a date last night with a boy I met at the bar with a couple of weeks ago, AR. Babe-break is officially over I guess. He seems to fill the same role as other boys I've had in my life. I know that it will never be anything real between us, but he's sort of sweet and thinks that I'm cute. I know that he thinks this because he's put the word 'cutie' in every text he's sent my way. Ew.
Still the idea of any newnesses and any pretending that we are going to be more than we are is grossing me out and I refuse to play along with being cute about each other. But I like affection. And he's an art director for advertising with a background in photography.. which is cool.
And went on a rant about how he actually physically can't live without meat.
Dreamy like I can't even say.
I felt wooed.

I'm hiding in my apartment from the heat. It's sickening out, I hear. My air-conditioner is barely making it tolerable in here, if that's any indication.
But I should get going... but biking in this heat...

Here are more shots from the shoot with Ali, these are the best ones from her digital camera:

No, seriously look how cute this dress is.

I'm part garden gnome. On my dad's side.

Now I just have to decide which one.

strained

2007-07-31T17:23:00.001-04:00

Oh, I am a terrible diarist.

Too much going on all the time.

I'm seriously stressed out and I need to learn how to deal with it. How to make the most of my down-time. What to do to cool the eff down.

I shot my first big-ish commercials this weekend. I thought it was just one promo spot for MTV and I thought it would be just a skeleton crew, but it turned out to be two spots and a pretty substantial crew. It was the same director as the last one I did and she had just called me up to do this one (she's the sister of a friend of mine). Which was sweet. Although it did get a little messy for me when she had told me the job was mine and then made me audition against a whole buttload of other girls. But the point it that I got to do it.

I danced on the street corner of Bloor and Landsdowne in heat for about three hours. It was remarkably fun. I love dancing and I love being cute and those were about my only requirements. Eat that college profs who told me that I couldn't sell cute. Whatevers.
I wore a very cute outfit and had my hair french-braided and my make-up done. A babe on a bike was checking me (and the whole filming set up) out so badly that he ran the red light crossing Bloor. He almost got hit. There was a lot of honking.
The DP and parts of the crew for this shoot had worked on the Joel Plaskett video and remembered me. Neat. Everyone on set was ridiculously nice. Two of the art dept people were friends of Jamie's and went to Ryerson with everyone I know so I made friends with them.

I can't believe I actually made money off acting this month. Whoa. It's like I'm a real actor and shit.

I'm rediscovering my love for the Treble Charger 'Maybe It's Me' album. So, so good.

Yesterday I had a Christmas in July dinner party. It was nice. Mostly it was just me and Niki and Mehta but Tamara and Joda and Miranda all came here and there. We had a really good chickpea salad and apple crisp and stuff. I do like having people over.

Miranda and I went to Beaconsfield afterwards to visit Nathan DJ-ing there. I wanted to hit on the bartender but it got pretty busy and so there wasn't really opportunity. He was totally in love with me though. Who isn't?

Yeah, so babe-break was okay. I don't know how "successful" it was... I didn't make out with anyone. But I definitely got a little tipsy a couple of times. And I hung out with boys a bit.

I went on a way-too-much-of-a-date with a boy I'm not interested enough in. I like him a lot, I mean, I think he's very funny and I like his self-deprecation and story-telling. But. We had drinks at Kalendar (which was my idea and I should've thought better of it because that damn patio is so romantic). Drew was working and he picked out my cake and beer for me. I like knowing my server to make them do all the deciding for me.

I worked the door for Chala's BFF Sarah Jane's boyfriend's CD release show. Who is Grand Analog. I got to spend time with Chala and now she's left for Fringe-touring and we'll barely be in the same city ever again. I love Sarah Jane. She's somehow magical and invincible. Ambitious and warm. Like, I believe she could get anything done. She's producing his new music video and somehow she managed to get it sponsored by Holt Renfrew and shit.
Anyway. I worked the door and what I saw of the set was pretty impressive. I love rap about love. Actually, what don't I love that's about love?
I made SC come and hang out with me. He's so, so, so weird. He's the weirdest kid I know. After the show we went and met Miranda and her Dustin at Sneaky Dee's and had (more) beer. They left and we stayed, stayed really really late. The sun wasn't coming up yet, so it wasn't a proper summer night, but close. We spent the whole evening fighting. Arguing, cocks-on-the-table, all out. I probably said too much and I was probably mean. But It was good fighting. I hope. We might be actual friends now.

I'm losing track of everything these days. I'm sabotaging myself and not being responsible.
I forgot there was a day game last week and totally just didn't go until my boss called (and woke me up!) and asked where the hell I was.

I'm sure that there's more I'm forgetting to say. But that's the way I am these days. Forgetful. Always losing things and leaving things.
I'm trying to organise though. To keep stock.

In the mean time:
Pictures from my first official headshot photo-shoot!
I'd appreciate any feedback on account of I actually want to do this for a living at some point.

This is probably my favourite.

Devon was a lovely model. I mean, his pouty face is a bit hilarious but he's actually quite cute. And he seemed to love the pictures, which is important.

I'm hoping to do some more photoshoots. Maybe tomorrow even.

babe-break 2k7

2007-07-23T13:47:00.000-04:00

What do people do about fruit-fly infestations?

I'm officially on a babe-break. And a booze-break. It's good to take a break from both together because they seem to be related.
We'll just see how long this lasts. I'm hoping a week at least.
I might extend babe-break depending on how fragile I'm feeling.

That's how my mum describe it, she said I was sounding fragile these days.

I'm just stressed and I have never, ever been good at dealing with stress. It's just not my scene. Everything is so extreme these days. The good parts are toooo good and the bad parts are toooo bad. I feel stretched and always tired. I never want to get out of bed even after twelve hours of sleep.

I flipped out on Thursday night a bit. I called my mum up when I got home from the bar. She hates it when I call in hysterics, it makes her think someone has died or something.

I keep ignoring problems by moving on. Mostly to other babes.
This does not end well. I guarantee. Instead of dealing with being upset about things I just cover up. So when there's no one left to cover up with then I have to actually go about being sad about several things at once.
I'm an idiot.

I made myself a Christmas-in-July dress last week. It's a sundress made of Christmas-print pillowcases. It is very pretty.

I went swimming with Naomi at her condo. Her condo is nice. I would find it odd to live someplace with so little personality. It's unnerving. I would decorate to the extreme or something. Everything is shades of beige there. Expensive beige.

I baby-sat Ana a couple of times last week on account of their regular baby-sitter was ill. There is nothing that makes me feel less competent than looking after a four year old.
We did have some good times colouring and going to the park and playing in the paddling pool. But we also had a couple of fights. I don't know how to win them.
Hard work.

Thursday I went see bands at Tiger Bar with David and SC. It was alright. I am reactive and should not be allowed out of the house. I wish Miranda and Niki had come earlier but they only could come after they closed up at the Chill.

Worked at Skydome all weekend. The Jays are back in town. It's been good lately.

Saturday after work Dana and I met up and went to see a dress-rehearsal-type run of Chala's play. They are doing the Saskatoon and Calgary fringes with it and so they ran it here to get feedback and practice and stuff.
It was neat. Some parts were really really true. And it was definitely a play I related to, and we know I only like things that are about me.
After that I went and hung out with Dana and Leslie and all their male compatriots in their backyard. Except we ignored the boys and had girltalk on the lawn. Mmmhmm.
I went home really early and was in bed by midnight. Delicious.

Yesterday I worked at Skydome in the day and at ACC at night. The Police were playing. They are old. But also still rocking. It seemed like a pretty good show. I'm back there tonight to work it again.

I'm going to try and use this week to figure things out. To decide what is good for me and bad for me. And to be careful of other people and careful of me. Same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old same old

2007-07-21T09:32:00.001-04:00

"You don't need a therapist, you need to quit drinking"

I've been having a tough time lately. A round-up entry soon enough. Hopefully.

For now, here are some of the photos that Ali did for me this week:

2007-07-21T09:21:00.000-04:00

I really, really like this:

Monarchs, roses

They are matchbooks, lit matchbooks that fly.
I drive fast and east
to the radioed melody of a woman
and sunlight and my hand
kiting out the window
in a blue car beside a stream
traveling west and south
to the Gulf of Mexico to join
the water that is the sky over Atlantis.
I am an arrow of happiness and I like
root beer and walking from Brooklyn
to the Met and standing
inside the first sigh of grass
in the morning but when my joy
strikes a pair of wings the color
of hydrogen
exploding and the monarch
falls in the rear view like a shirt
shot from its hanger, I want
a tiny piece of chalk
so I can trace the body
for the detective who will slap me
and say, we know you did it, Rocky.
That I'm not Rocky
won't stop justice from smoking
its cigarette in my face
and I slow down too much
for the people piling up
behind me on their way to some other
massacre but I like
cows and the cello and being a killer
as seldom as possible. When I stop
and dismantle the car, you are welcome
to the tires and the horn but leave
the radio, this woman
sings like her voice is a rose bush,
is thorns and complex blooms
and it forgives us
just by letting us know it exists.

-Bob Hicok

2007-07-17T19:30:00.000-04:00

I am in a god awful mood. Just terrible. I wish I had something to blame it on. I feel like screaming and punching things.

I am stressed about money. I am always stressed about money. In an avoiding sort of way. I wish I could imagine a situation where I'd have enough money not to worry. Seems like an impossibility. Shitty buzz.
I want to be able to go home for twenty days in August/September. That would be the sweetest of all. But it seems stupid. I don't have enough money. I will never have enough money.

Where is my rich husband?

I need to take a babe-break and instead I keep adding more to the pile.

The Saskatoon friends' bands played again on Thursday. It was really fun. AlexPB aaaand AlexC were there. And Niki and Mehta came. And Saskatooners all over. Dance party.

Friday Dana and I had coffee. We bought a bag of vegan/wheat free ginger snaps and ate way, way too many. Since then I've really been wanting more. Sugar sugar sugar.

I had dinner with Miranda on Friday. We made quesadillas and beans and things. And drank.
Then I biked over and went to a play with SJ at the fringe. It was a one-woman show. I am ridiculously jealous of all theatre actors. Sometimes my stomach hurts when I'm at plays because I'm so frustrated.
You'd think I'd channel that frustration into something productive, wouldn't you?
I won't.

Then SJ and I went and drank at the Fringe club. A dance floor full of actors is always, always interesting. I love everyone cavorting and parading across the floor. It's wonderful. Means I can dance however I'd like.
Networking is good, but I'm no good at it. I am good at making inappropriate jokes though. Talented.

Saturday I worked the Roger Waters concert at skydome. I would kind of have liked to have watched it a bit. I do like Pink Floyd. But I made really good money and had a fun shift.
I went and met Dana afterwards at Ronnie's for a pint. Except a pint turned into a few and maybe tequila shots and maybe going back to these guys' house...
Party All the Time. Etc.
Ridiculous.

Sunday night I went and visited Chala at Teatro because it was very very dead and she needed company. She fed me drinks and I entertained her. We mostly talked about how shitty we both were at relating to men and how for people who hold 'love' in such high regard and seem to be constantly striving for it we sure don't ever fall in it.
Nathan texted and so I went and met up with him at Wavelength. Tamara and Simon were there too. Can't go anywhere in Toronto without running into familiars.

Yesterday I did nothing. I slept and I went and picked up pictures and bought stuff at the dollar store. I organised the bathroom.

Adam Jones.

The film got screwed up. Neat.

Jonathan!

Today I went and did pictures with Ali. We used both my camera and her new digital SLR. I want a digital SLR. I want one. I want one so badly. For my Christmas-Birthday I want you all to save up and pool all of your resources and I will pool my and we will together buy me a beautiful camera. Yeah?
And then I will use said camera to make millions of dollars by taking head-shots and band-shots and maybe even back-shots (this is what Stacy calls doing it from behind. Very sexy).

But, yes, the pictures are nice. Very, Very nice from what I could tell. She will email them to me and then we will really see what I think. Then I will print them off maybe and then maybe my agent will decide. She also took a couple of rolls with my camera that I should be able to pick up tomorrow. I'm excited.

Not that I have money to get the head-shots printed off of course. But still.

I went by Gladstone to visit Dana afterwards. And Leslie was there. So I sat and ate a big scone and drank a big latte. David walked by and I went and brought him in. We sat around for awhile. Then David had to go home and so I called up SC to go for coffee with me.
We went to The Roastery (not The Roastery in Saskatoon because we agreed that would just be too far to bike to). We sat up on the roof and it was full of plants and flowers and shit. Very tasteful. I really like the way that SC talks. It's very specific and eloquent and I feel like he's always mildly laughing at me. Which isn't bad.
He gave me a free week pass to Extreme Fitness (where he works out). I find this hilarious! How wondrous! I said "I'm not going to use this!!!" and he said "Well, you can take it and just think about it". Bwaahahah ('bwaahahahs' are saved for when I'm really LOL-ing, just FYI).
I just might go. Except it would be awful and embarrassing.

I feel like I should do something tonight. Or just clean the house. Yes, that would make the most sense.

I'm working on Et Puis? #4 now. I'm trying to channel my manic panic and energy into something. Maybe when it cools off in here I will do some yoga. That might be centring or some other bullshit.

2007-07-12T14:15:00.000-04:00

So... set.
As a new actor, especially as an inexperienced, non-union one, it is lucky to get to be the star of something. Very fun. And for this episode of this TV show I got to be. Each episode of the show goes through the last 24 hours in a dead celebrity's life. They get interviews with real people they knew and get stock footage of the celebrity and inter-cut it with re-enactment footage the show itself makes. So I was part of the re-enactment, as Jim Morrison's girlfriend, Pam Courson.

It's an odd set right off the bat because they don't record sound for the re-enactment. The story is all told in the show with voice interviews and in narration, not in dialogue. Which makes sense because for the most part they don't know what was actually, technically said, so it would be a tough script to write.
Sets are usually insane about sound and you have to be blocks away before you're allowed to make any noise. So it was neat to be allowed to be around while they were shooting stuff I wasn't apart of. The director let me watch on the monitor here and there.

I loved having the hair & makeup girl follow me around. And wardrobe to keep track of me. I think I'm built to be a star, I like having my hair combed out and my powder touched up, people watching out to make sure I don't look like an idiot.

Monday was a pretty hellish day, if I'm being objective (which I'm not because I am excited to have filmed my first TV part!). It was a hot day, something like 41 with the humidity. The building we were in wasn't air-conditioned. We were shooting on the second floor in an apartment set with about 10 big lights and about 15 people coming in and out of the room. My hair was wet to my head and I was dripping sweat down my cleave. Very, very sexy. But mostly hot.
The director was ill, really ill for a bit in the afternoon and everything got behind. The crew and some of the other cast ended up having a 16 hour day. I had only a 12 hour day and I was exhausted. We did so, so many scenes. Pretty much all of my stuff was on day 1. Everything from dancing/making-out with Jim to finding him dead and flipping out.

It's also a treat, being so inexperienced, to get a part where I actually get to do stuff like scream and cry and dance about. Usually at this stage the roles I get to go out for don't have much to them.

On the down side, I was definitely in my underwear for pretty much the entire day. By the end of the day I had no modesty, and was just glad not to have to wear proper clothes in that intense heat. God damn that was intense heat.

Tuesday I got shuttled out to Hamilton and got there just in time for lunch. I got to hang out for awhile and then shoot some going-to-the movies scenes outside and inside of a theatre there. While we were shooting an exterior scene an old couple passed by me and the man looked at me and said "You really areshort!" I have no idea what he meant by that but it was awesome.

I loved the director. I liked the whole crew actually quite a lot, but the director was far and away my favourite. He was British and sarcastic and mocking and secretly sweet. Just my type of gent. We made fun of each other all day the second day, I kept asking him if he was going to barf more and he kept asking if I was going to act better. At one point I told the crew (in front of him) that he'd said I was too fat, then I imitated him talking about it in a British accent. It was very, very funny. I'm a very funny person.

We went out for a quick beer after the shoot and the director said something like "I should always have you around because then I'd always be laughing," and I said, "You wish!!!"

I was quite sad to leave everyone. And even sadder not to have a set to go to yesterday and not to have anyone to do my hair for me.

My call wasn't until 6 on Tuesday so I got to take Alisin out for her birthday brunch. We went to Aunties, Tamara and her friend were also brunching there. I went and sat with them after Alisin had to leave to go back on tour. Tam's friend was so funny and we made loads of jokes. If he lived here I would totally befriend him, because humour is the only important thing. Ever. And David was there with Hayden, not working for once. Hayden sure is a dreamboat rockstar.

I also had coffee with BFF David and talked about money and babes and other depressing things. I bought some one-dollar books from the local shop and made a really good haul. I found this poet, Bob Hicok, in this one anthology that I bought. He's amazing. He's my new favourite thing.

Yesterday I was sick and tired and de-stressing. Poor John was staying with me again and I was being quite a terror. Quite. I refused to leave the house except when I went and ate a giant ice cream and visited AlexPB at the chill.
We watched a lot of TV and several episodes of My So-Called Life. Everyone who comes to stay with me watches it. It's like required or something.

Today we had brunch with Niki and then John set off on his long trek home.

I am computing and trying to take poetry seriously and edit things. I am trying to not be in pain and trying not to be depressive about being done this TV part and having nothing to look forward to ever.

I'm so glad it went well though.. sort of validates my whole life.

2007-07-11T16:06:00.000-04:00

I keep leaving this far, far too long. It's nearly impossible to give a round-up.

There's been a new /private entry up for a few days.

Things that have happened:

I had lunch last week with Adam Jones, who is terribly sweet and is producing a movie for me to star in. I'm pretty excited. We had pad thai and talked about boys and movies. He's already got a grant for this short and is applying for more.The more money, the better it's going to be. I really like the script, and I'm pretty excited to have play the character because she's pretty bizarre.

I had drinks with Chala at Kalendar. We had beer and wine and I ate pecan pie. Drew, Jo's friend who works there hooked us and up and gave us excellent service, including checking that the pie was lard-free. Drew is a cowboy who loves pirates... so you know he's good.
It's going to be really wild for me when Chala moves to Montreal (which she keeps insisting she is doing). I've never lived in Toronto without Chala. Chala is my family. Luckily she'll be still close-ish. And Charlotte will be living there. And Charlotte is a babe of my life, so I'll have to go visit.

Leslie got married. WTF? To her British boyfriend. I think they actually like each other, so this could get interesting. Talk about MCDA in lockdown. We just won't admit to our fans that one of our members in off the market. I went to the bachelor/bachelorette party in their backyard. I brought ice cream and I leant Leslie my 'bride to be' necklace.
So fucking weird.

Found out that I had to do a bra-and-panties scene for the TV show I got a part in. That same day had my heart stepped on a bit. Freaked out for awhile. Called my mum in hysterics.
So I went out and drank a lot. Pre-drank at SarahB's - she made me a delicious dinner which fortified. Then went to her show at Press Club. The Aussie she is touring around with played too. He was a babe, mostly because his music was also impressive. Niki and Mehta (in town and staying with her) came by but didn't come in, I went and drank in the street with them.
Went and met my text-messaging BFF, SeanC, for a beer.
SC and I have been talking via text messaging and emailing constantly but we don't really know each other in real life. I like that sort of thing. I think it's terribly funny. He is friends with David and co. from highschool but they aren't terribly close right now. I feel like he is too good at the internet not to find and read this. But, yes, we had a beer and talked in real life and I was surprised that we actually got along. Mostly on account of how we are very, very different people. For instance, I do not enjoy: -body-building -tanning -doing my hair for hours -going to fancy swimsuit fashion shows -being a lawyer. But we have other things in common and it was fun.

Miranda came back to town. I am pretty fond of Miranda and she'd been away in Spain for too long learning Spanish and stuff.

I worked all weekend. I pretty much hate working in the bar, but I pretty much love the people up there. So it works out. Friday was horrendously busy though and it just didn't feel worth it...

Saturday I hung out with Miranda at her house and drank gin and grapefruit juice. I like hanging out with people who live at their parents' house. Parents' houses are so weird. Their fridges are so full! Her BF and his cousin came over and then we all went down to the Drake to some hipster dance party night... except I didn't feel like going in and it was lined up to the extreme.
So I went and met SJ at Ronnie's for a pint instead. It was very nice. We caught up and talked about everything going on in our lives. We ended up talking about how we care about each other and about how it's nice that we're friends. Aw, etc.

Sunday John came to stay. And I was horrendously stressed out in anticipation of going to set the next day. I was not a good hostess at all. Terrible, actually.
Two giant Saskatoon bands were in town as well. So John and I went for dinner with Sophia and then Miranda met up with us and we all went to Sneaky Dee's. Sooo many Saskatoon people in one place. Sort of incredible. Just the bands (Maybe Smith and Carbon Dating Service) were 12 members total.
It was great to see Mairin and Alisin again, especially. Two of my very favourite girls. (Although since Mairin is head of staff for the Sask finance minister maybe I should call her a woman. And because she takes off her pants a lot.)
The bands were pretty amazing. I hadn't seen either in years and they'd gotten super good. Lots of dancing and lots of horn sections. Lots of spirit fingers and catchy choruses. Mairin pointed out the best chorus for me and her, from one of Maybe Smith's songs: I've thought my way out of happiness a million times but I have never thought my way into it
Fuckin yeah.

I have to write about my on set experiences. About shooting my first TV role! About how I'm a real actor and shit now! But I'm thinking I'll write it out proper and post it tomorrow, hopefully. There's too much to fit into this entry. And I'm not done processing yet.
Bottom line though, I loved it.

2007-07-02T03:08:00.000-04:00

So Blogger... I hope you are happy to have me. I've been a loyal diarylander forever and a half.. but.
I'm double-posting here and there for a bit. Seeing how I like it, you know, testing the waters.
For reference,
maredeath.diaryland.com contains more information about me than you'll ever need to know.

.

Man, I totally got a call from wardrobe. Sweet. I hope production tells me when we're shooting soon. It's like I'm a real actor and stuff.

Summer, holy hell. I'm glad it's cooled down and I can wear sweaters again. It really heat-waved for a minute there.
Holy hell, summer.
Everything feels intensified by Summer. I can't even tell what's what because there's just too much. I can't sort anything that's happening and write it down because it's all too... actual.

I am only into old-school rap. I am schooling myself to give MCDA some cred.

Today is my first day off in fifteen or so days. I did not leave my house. I rule. I've been in a nasty mood though, but it's harder to notice when I don't have to interact with anyone. I meant to get some writing done but it is now two in the morning and there is nothing much to show for it. I did watch some CSI and I did eat a whole lot of beans. I talked to my mum and to John on the phone for great deals of time. John is coming here soon! I adore John.

And Alisin and Mairin are coming with their band and other friends and Mehta's going to be in town. So many peeps.

It's been too much party all the time. I have a drinking problem. Thursday went drinking with Sophia and Jo and Morgan and all the girls' friends. It was prize night at Bistro 422. Amazing. All the prizes were more drinks! Amazing. We went to a weird bar on King West where the band played covers, including The Doors and we danced hard and I celebrated getting a real part some more. The night culminated with swimming and we so didn't get arrested. Fuck yeah.

Friday I went to Chala's fundraiser for her Fringe play. It was good. I danced for a minute and got danced up on and shrieked, which Sarahjane found hilarious. I ate some cookies and drank some beer and felt awkward with all these people who are closer to Chala than I am now.. so many babes hanging around that love her too. She's like a kitten and the way the toms all hang around the backyard, just waiting to be chosen, leering.
Sexy.
I went home early-ish and then Niki came over and we drank and talked and stuff.

Yesterday I had lunch with Naomi for the first time in decades and we caught up on all of actorly gossip and plans. We need to start working out more. For realz. Or, I do mostly.
Then I worked at the Chill for a few hours to cover for Mark. Me and Niki were just so not in customer service moods. I hate customer service. I just was not feeling it.
So we went drinking at DanaLeslieOwen's house with SarahB and some other boys-with-accents. It was pretty good and I got trashed and Dana pierced her nipple except she didn't have a ring to put in it, so that was silly.
It was the first time MCDA were all together all in one place, partying together. Neat, and yet it passed without much fuss and definitely no work-talk.

I'm enjoying my life as a shut-in today. I'm not particularly looking forward to leaving the house tomorrow. Here my heart is safer and there are less people to irritate me, less things to distress me.

By which I obviously mean that I am lucky lucky lucky and also an ingrate and also just so, so tired these days.